You are strong. You can do this. Don't ask her to contact you and don't make any promises from you end. Stay composed. She is making the worst mistake of her life and leaving the best guy behind.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
.....and she's off. I mentioned before about what I'd been doing to GAL and detach a bit. Well, in the last few days before Ws trip I did ok - a B maybe.
Yesterday was the start of spring break where I work - not that I get any time off, but it still seems like something worth celebrating - so for dinner it was cheeseburgers (in paradise), fruit on sticks (anything on a stick is better, says middle son), and Tang with drink umbrellas (ok, a stretch, but adults got something of a higher octane). Bought totally cheesy plastic leis and the kids loved it. The best part was how it developed: W comes home, I gave her a big smile, and I listened to her talk about her day, kids were crazy, and she eventually realizes, hmmmm, what can we do for dinner? So I say "hey, I want to celebrate spring break" and we end up making dinner together and she goes along with the whole thing.....I didn't ask if it was ok, I just asked her to help me do my thing. I know I shouldn't be surprised about this - and it's just dinner - but she actually LIKES it, that was so clear. Just a simple plan for a weirdo dinner and me a bit out in front.
I found the last episode of this sorta strange TV show we used to watch - it suddenly went off the air. Loaded it on the ipod. And later that night decided I wanted to watch it - invited W to watch it with me, but I was going to do it anyway. So we sat in bed and watched it on the little screen. ok, nice.
This morning I did several house projects with my oldest son - who needs some extra attention these days - while W packed. Then we went for a short hike with boys and the dog near our house, a new tradition for Saturday mornings I started. W started talking about neighbors relationship and she said some things that could have been right out of the DBing handbook about how neighbor's behavior - whining about not having enough sex after new baby was born - was probably not attractive to his W. There was a moment of understanding between us about the importance of Hs being strong, and Ws not making that too hard to do. interesting. W wanted to hold hands. Whoa.
Came home and W finished packing. Yes, she did pack a very sexy dress and heels, and totally hide them at the bottom of her bag. And yes, she shared her itinerary with me and there are big dinner parties and big chunks of "free time", and she is planning to go out to clubs with a girl from the office. And boss is presiding, front and center. But I didn't bite. I told her to have a great time, and not to call - just email to let me know she arrived ok. I told her she should absolutely go out with her work girlfriend - they'd break some hearts over there. (Hey if boss isn't involved, stay out all night! I didn't say that out loud.)
Dropped her off at work this afternoon, smiled and was happy. It was a nice goodbye. I think she was happy that I was strong about the whole thing - maybe I'm just projecting but.....it went about as well as it could go.
Who knows what happens now.....I feel good about doing what I had to do this week, even though it was TOUGH. That good feeling will wear off I suppose. But whatever happens it's up to her now. I'll probably never know one way or the other. Just a week to work on some things on my end
Now I just have to stay busy....easy enough with three kids. All their friends are here now for a movie night. And I figure I'll post a couple photos of us having fun this week on FB....
Everyone. Thank you. If I hadn't pulled this together W would have left with her last vision of me being very different.
Don't know any better way you could have presented yourself. And....who knows how that lasting memory might affect her? Not to get your hopes soared, but we never know...and I think you conducted yourself like an attractive and very confident man.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm not getting my hopes up. Still not a good situation. But I do hope to keep up with the changes - I feel better about myself than I have in a long while. A little success was really nice.
So......staying busy is not really a problem. Had 11 kids, ages 5-13, in the house today - the whole neighborhood. W emailed twice, once to let me know she arrived and once to tell me how amazingly "lush" the hotel and her room is.
(For those late to the thread - Ws trip is a "training meeting" to train a group of us who work at the same company; though the training is specifically designed to for what I do I was not invited by Ws boss because of "budget limitations"......though everyone is being put up in the nicest hotel in the city, eating out at the nicest places, taking private tours, etc.)
I waited to respond, responded with short, happy emails.....
Wow. Finally, a quiet house. Did some reading and thinking today. My recent behavior reminded me of the "old me" - times when I was doing my thing and W and I were better. At those times I don't think I had any idea I was "doing" anything that W found attractive - I was just being me. Hmmmm, getting all Taoist again....trying without trying too hard, and such. It was just natural, honest me. Maybe, if all this becomes more natural I'll find myself there again.
Really understanding now - more than I did before - that I really did the wrong thing by giving up myself and seeking Ws approval. If it didn't make her happy I must not have been doing it right.....so many examples of making her "happy" in the short term, while dooming us in the long term. Instead of living off the interest, I spent the principle, then wondered why I was broke. At the worst of all this I was asked to draw a picture of myself - and I drew all around the space that was "me", leaving that empty because I defined myself only by what was around me - as a father because I have kids, as a husband because I am married, etc. When W started pulling away it was because I wasn't attractive....well, I wasn't much of anything anymore. And the thought of losing her was (is?) unbearable because without the things around me I would cease to exist. Realizing now those things I gave up - what was I thinking? Where did I get it that this was a good idea? Damn the 80's and 90's and the idea of the sensitive new age guy. I wish someone - some wiser guy - would have seen the warning signs and taught me something back then.
So, ok. When my W said she had no respect for me - the single worst day of my life - she was telling me to get my act together. Only she couldn't really tell me - not in a way I understood. Because she was scared, and how would she know what I needed to do? And I just tried harder to please her and sacrifice my interests for the family. Man, I gave up friends, hobbies, interests, dreams, my health.....and that's not what she wanted. I was scared because she might leave, and she thought she might have to leave because I was acting all scared. Seriously, she could have made this a little easier - she was a bit of a bully and made some high unilateral decisions, but I probably set up that dynamic.
Her boss gives her the perfect cover - she can go see about him under the guise of "work stuff".
The progress I've made lately is really the first time I've ever made the connection between a man being authentic and honest and strong and a women being attracted to him. No, I'm not THAT dense. See, I actually WAS that guy a some points in the past - but it was a natural accident. It was just me. I never realized. To attract someone you don't actually go out and try to attract them. You let your light shine brighter and in their general direction. (OK, slow learner here!) Would explain why going out to "look" for someone doesn't work and then you stop and bam! there they are.
My progress has been in little steps so far. I think it's time for some BIG changes.
I REALLY enjoy traveling and adventure and exploring new places. And I'm tired of making excuses about why we can't go, and watching W go to all the great places and make memories with someone else. I have some extra $ coming and instead of plunging it into retirement - hey, I might never see that money again - I'm going SOMEWHERE, and soon. W owes me like a month of travel time from her trips. I'll offer that I'd love for her to come but I'm going anyway. Heck, if I can't cover kid care I'm going to rent an RV and even at $4 gas I'm going to drive until it gets warmer.
I think making this work is going to require a new (to me) approach. I'm not going to try to save my M. I love my W, I want my family. But right now I just want to see if there's any "me" left in here.
Also think it may be time to have an understanding with Ws boss. A conversation would likely backfire, but I suspect I could make my feelings known nevertheless. Will put that on the back burner for now....
Rough day. Understand W is out clubbing all night on the other side of the world. Everyone at work is talking about what a scam the trip is - must have cost a hundred thousand dollars, and no one here has had a raise in years. Apparently, this is a five star trip all around. Rare, short emails come at 3am her time. My head is filled with all sorts of thoughts....
Had a session with therapist today - he he agrees that what I've been trying to do is the best option. He said he's seen many people with similar issues and the things I'm doing - thanks to the good advice here - is better than most in my situation. Said many people in this situation aren't focused on their families, or making things better. But at the end of the session I admitted to him that I just don't think I can keep this going. I just don't feel right now like I can continue to do this. Even though I saw how lately how good things could be I thought all day about just giving up on M.
Going to put the boys to bed and watch some movie. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.....
Heard from W that her boss didn't do something he said he would for me and my office, making me pretty look bad to some coworkers. I expressed some frustration - not alot, but enough - and W got defensive. A set back. At least it was annoyance I was expressing and not whining. While I am justified in being annoyed I could have handled it without involving W anymore but I took the opportunity to express a few (just a few, really!) of my negative emotions that had been buidling - and that was a mistake. Totally changed Ws attitude. It was a rough day and I should have never let on. In fact, I should have stopped emailing until I could get my head on straight. Dumb.
Sent a short apology and I am trying to keep in in perspective.
