So, I'm just sitting here going over things in my mind... trying to figure things out. I'm going over our conversations and thinking about his mannerisms. Most of the time he won't look me in the eye and I wonder if it's because he just doesn't think enough of me to think it's necessary to look me in the eye or if it's because he feels guilty. Then there are the times he fully engages with me and leans into me... we took our oldest the mall a couple of months ago and he was walking so close to me that he was bumping into me. Am I reading too much into it? Am I seeing things that aren't there? I just don't know anymore...
I have been reading over different posts(I don't always know what to say) and have realized that I've lost myself in this self imposed limbo. I'm almost afraid to fully detach because... well, what if I do and it's the end of us? My head is telling me that I need to make MY life and the rest will follow. I have 3 great kids that think I'm the best mom in the world. I am in school studying for radiology. It was a very slow start, but I'm finally doing it. I have a new job prospect that will mean more opportunities and a better income, which will be very welcome as a single mom. I have a good circle of friends that always seem to be asking me to go out. There is a lot I have going for me. I have to refocus my efforts. GAL doesn't mean waiting around for something to happen... you have to LIVE the life you get.
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
One thing that strikes me is that he's told me a few times that maybe one day he'll be able to tell me what went wrong, but right now he doesn't want to get into it. All he said was that I was a horrible housekeeper (did a 180 there) and had a bad temper (another 180). He admits that these things alone were not reasons to make him leave, but then says the whole can't tell you now thing. He even cries when he says that... it all leaves me with a big HUH?
Sorry to keep going back and forth... it's a mess in this brain of mine...
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
Thank you so much for reposting the response from True. It really does make a difference when I take responsibility for myself and when I evaluate my actions instead of trying to decipher his.
Funny thing happened this evening. He texted to let me know that his tax return was taken by the state for back child support. He had a job for about 5 months this year and only recently restarted his unemployment. So, he complains about losing his car because he doesn't have enough left over after they take the support. So I suggest that he contact the office to see if they can lower his monthly amount and he tells me it's a bad idea. Then I suggest he contact the car place and see if he can trade in for a less expensive car (he got it through one of those places that give anyone with a job a car) and he tells me that they don't do things like that. Then he drops his request... he says "or you can give me the $1000 back when you get it and tell them you want to stop it." I reply, so you're asking me to pay you back the child support? He drops it and says never mind but once it's paid off call them and stop it.
The last one was him saying that it's fair that I not only get the earned income credit and a huge return but i get his too because he was unemployed and still getting charged child support so I get his taxes now too...
How do I respond to this? I haven't said anything to him about the last comment. What do I make of this? He is so resentful... it's like it's my fault that I've been employed all year and have had full custody of the kids (because he lives 45 minutes away with his parents) and he couldn't legally claim one of them. How is this my fault?
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
Ok, so I've thought about it a little more. He put himself in this position. Old me would have fixed it for him. I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure it was alright for him even if it meant I had to sacrifice for it. I've been his soft place to land for many, many years. Even now I've done that for him. I can't be that anymore. How is he going to figure out what changes to make if I'm there to make everything ok? Even if he doesn't realize he's the catalyst for his problems me being there to make it better isn't going to help me at all. I didn't make him buy a car that was beyond his means. I didn't make the grass look greener or push him out the door. I didn't tell him to leave the first job he had in 3 years. He did it all on his own. It is not my fault that he is made to take responsibility for his children by the state. Bottom line... his situation is not my fault. It is a direct result of the decisions he's been making over the past couple of years. I didn't break it so I'm not going to buy it.
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
Ok, so I've thought about it a little more. He put himself in this position. Old me would have fixed it for him. I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure it was alright for him even if it meant I had to sacrifice for it. I've been his soft place to land for many, many years. Even now I've done that for him. I can't be that anymore. How is he going to figure out what changes to make if I'm there to make everything ok? Even if he doesn't realize he's the catalyst for his problems me being there to make it better isn't going to help me at all. I didn't make him buy a car that was beyond his means. I didn't make the grass look greener or push him out the door. I didn't tell him to leave the first job he had in 3 years. He did it all on his own. It is not my fault that he is made to take responsibility for his children by the state. Bottom line... his situation is not my fault. It is a direct result of the decisions he's been making over the past couple of years. I didn't break it so I'm not going to buy it.
Exactly, Bravo
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Saturday was our D's basketball tournament. We spend 6 hours together. He paid for me to get in and asked me to sit with him. Well, he chose the seats and assumed I was sitting with him (which is a pretty safe assumption). He then pretty much ignored me the whole time. If I made a comment about the game he'd answer me and look at me out of the corner of his eye, which was kinda weird. I tried to talk to him a couple of times, but after his behavior just stopped. The games were done, I said goodbye to the kids, and we went our ways. I had a great rest of the day furniture shopping with my mom. I was in a great mood for some reason. It was awesome.
Today we met to exchange kids and he asked to have dinner with us. Then he told me all about his new school (he started barber school last week) and told me all of these funny little stories about the people there. He bragged about a test he took and said he didn't even open the book and did better than a woman there that studied really hard. Then after we left he texted me about a woman in line in front of him at the store. I just don't get it. It's all weird and doesn't make sense. He's sullen one time and friendly the next.
Am I missing something or reading too much into what he does?
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
LM, I cannot know why he is maintaining contact beyond his obligations to the children.
Perhaps he cannot move on. Perhaps he’s coming out of the fog. Perhaps he’s testing the waters.
We can perhaps what our WAS do to death and the only thing we’ll accomplish is more stress and worry for ourselves.
It contributes to our uncertainly and undermines our self confidence. It makes us vulnerable.
We all maintain hope and we will never truly be completely divorced from them. In my own sitch someday there will be grandchildren to fuss over and love. I’ll be better off when I have detached and moved on as completely as I am comfortable with.
How comfortable are you with your present level of detachment and autonomy?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
