[edited by dbmod: advertising/not recommended] However, you have got to stop watching your Wife's reactions. YOU have to do things differently. If you keep watching HER and HER reactions you will get no where. You might see positive in your actions, but until you move the opposite direction, she will view you as pursuing and being a doormat.
Sandi has some wise words. Please heed them. Break your focus of her and start moving forward with you. Only when you break away from doing these things for her will you get her to really notice. Do everything for you. Lead your life with a purpose and she will notice.
Same old you is there and trying; Opposite of that is doing what your learning but showing her you moving in a different direction. No more doormat. Show her you will NOT wait around for her. It's imperative you go out and do things that make you happy. YOU. Lead and she will follow...and if she doesn't at least you are enjoying it.
Good points. Had that conversation with W - explained that she gave me her phone and I noticed the subject line of that message. She claimed boss was with a group of people and that this is an office joke. Hey, maybe that's true, though it does explain everthing away. I told her that I was glad to hear that because if it really was a private intimate message, as it seemed, I would be having a serious talk with her boss, and that I would make sure it was in a rather public place.
My guess is that this is on the verge of somesort of A - maybe it is already, though they'd have to have been pretty creative about it to get time together outside of work. Or, maybe they are just unusally good platonic friends. (ha!) Either way I have some time, and I want to use it to address Sandi2s points.
In the past couple of weeks I've made a point to spend some time with my guy friends and my brother, made some important decisions that have been hanging over my head, reclaimed some time for myself, and am putting my life back together. I also told my wife to go on her company trip to Europe - as a sign that I was no going to be weak, whinny, and jealous of her coworkers. (boss' wife is going as a part of a large group, so I doubt anything would happen while they are away for a week). I've realized that I probably can't just suddenly change this behavior unless I really change my environment - I'm waking up early, getting support from friends, keeping busy, and just basically getting things together.
Yes, that sinking feeling is probably the saem I encountered as a boy. I think that's how it works. Honestly, once someone is beaten down, really beaten down, the bullies know they "have" him - one sort of gives up when faced with conflict. Climbing out of that hole is my purpose in life now. I'm trying to find things where I can get that feeling of winning - back playing volleyball and running, thinking of running a half marathon this spring. And I'm working with my Ss to make sure they don't have the same experiences I did.
Thanks for the butt-kicking support. Exactly what I needed to start making some changes....
Yep. I especially like your last point. Either way, this is what I should be doing - getting out there and enjoying myself. Stayed out till 1am one night this week - never do that - but a bunch of neighbors invited me to their once a year guys night out. Heck, listening to them talk made me feel like I wasn't alone in some of this. I didn't share my situation, just listened mostly - but it didn't really matter. Felt good.
Hmmmm. Good question Sandi2. I have one of those electronic calendars and - checking it now - it is completely full of kids errands and covering after school care. Not ideal.
So far my 180 has been the quiet, internal kind. Not sure W even notices.....but, I know, I know, it's not for her anyway!
W left house looking super cute in new clothes this morning - definately on the "check me out" side of the attire spectrum. Man, I HATE that. Ruins the whole morning....
Sandi2, you made me laugh! Actually, yes, I'm starting to turn over the inventory of my closet. And I've been running and working out some. But mostly I'm working on laughing and smiling more - those are really my only hopes of approaching "super cute"! (see, smiling)
FaithnAK, Yep, the [edited by dbmod: advertising/not recommended] hit me pretty hard. Still digesting all that. The whole premise, that "nice guys" make a deal (I'll be "nice" and you'll like me) is pretty much right on target. Actually, at first I had a hard time imagining how else it COULD be. And that proves I'm stuck in that rut, doesn't it??? I mean, I get it that I've been "trying too hard" to make W happy and sort of lost myself in that, but I'm having to give it a lot of thought to figure out then, why do W like someone if not for the "nice" things H do, and how they make their W's feel. I get it that W like H who are strong, real, and confident in themselves as independent men - but it hasn't really sunk in yet. I'm doing it - but it seems artificial so far. What a learning process....
Thanks for suggesting these. I have a few more books to read, ones suggested on this thread. But, really, these two have already opened my eyes. And, at least I know I'm not alone!
Maybe the word you are seeking is "passive" instead of "nice". There is a big difference. If you have taken a back seat to the decisions or if you agreed with whatever made her happy....just to keep the peace, then that is being passive. Some men get to a point in the M that they just turn everyting over to the W and they're fine with her running the ship. But, then he doesn't understand when the R starts to fall apart.
A passive man is not attractive, IMO. It's also MHO that women don't want the H to take the lazy way out and just let her raise the kids, run the home, and any other important decision making efforts that come along. She will lose respect for a knot on the log, let me tell you. There have been so many H's to come here and say that the W doesn't want to ML anymore and isn't attracted, etc. She can't if she doesn't respect him as a man.
Don't lose that respect.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yea, seems like I'm not alone Sandi2. I'm probalby traveling the same road as lots of others. I'm going to keep posting my progress - ups and downs - maybe there's something here to could help someone else, like folks have been helping me. Really in a much better place lately.
Let's see how this goes in the week or so. I'm filling up to calendar and working the plan. Those books [edited by dbmod: advertising/not recommended] really apply to my situation. One thing I've learned is that I'll never be able to keep up with W's plans and new ideas - partly she's got high energy and partly because she's an ACOA who stays busy busy as a coping strategy. I'm not going to overreact to every idea - moving, new jobs, new schooling option for kids. I'm going to try and do my thing - be a good H - but with SOMETHING of my own going on.
Less than 2 weeks before W heads off with her office to sunny beach town in Europe for meetings :|
My goal is to get it together and NOT give any indication that I'm bothered by her trip. "Have a good time!" Then stay so busy while she is away I hardly notice she's gone. Lining up visits with friends and family.
Still feel like I have a window of time to get this right. But maybe not a lot of time. Could be I'm just in the dark about it. Nevertheless, ignoring W's boss for now. Encouraging W to go out to renew old friendships. Took boys for a hike. Hitting the gym when I can.
Oldest S is having some trouble with older boys so I get to guide him through that this week. Another opportunity to step up....
I'm not going to overreact to every idea - moving, new jobs, new schooling option for kids
That's a very solid point. She needs you to keep the family grounded. Let her have her projects and those things she likes to get involved with, but when it comes to issues that affect the children and the MR then that's when you calmly but firmly bring her back to reality.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
(see, smiling)