Gonna be busy at work today but thought I'd get my night + positives out there...
Yesterday was my 8th wedding anniversary. I mention it to h a few days ago...partly as just a reminder (he's been busy with school plus feeling sick...normally he totally remembers these things) and also to confirm with him that we weren't doing gifts ... nothing unusual...since it falls so close to xmas PLUS we usually go away for it (heading to NYC after xmas) we usually don't. I just hate to be empty handed if someone else isn't!
anyway...yesterday am I wished him happy anniversary and he responded. Yesterday afternoon while talking to him on the phone he was talking about his plans for the night...mostly studying (totally expected as he has exam #2 today). I asked him if we'd have time to take a little break and just mark the occasion.
Pause.
Sure, ok, he says.
I say...well...we can put it off to another night ... I just don't want to lose the day/event.
He says "do you mind?". No.
I ask...did you buy me a card? answer is no. So, I say...ok, well I won't get you one either...so I don't feel stupid.
He says "I'm sorry. I've been thinking only of myself lately."
I stop at the grocery store on the way home figuring that I'll get stuff for dinner (180 for me!). I also buy a cake. I get home...not in the most positive frame of mind but trying....h is moderately defensive he has that "even if you say this is ok, I'm not going to believe you stance" and I guess he was partly right...I tell him that I do feel disappointed that we had kind of dropped the ball on noting this at all...and that since our anniversary is going to fall in the middle of his exams for the next three years that I'd like to be more definitive next year about picking a stand-in date to celebrate. He says "ok" but says something like "you still don't seem fine with this" in a defensive voice.
I tell him I'll cook dinner, he comes down, we eat, he apologizes and is much less defensive. He suggests that we have cake and champagne later. I go out to the store again to get him soda...I quiz him on some of this exam material. We have cake and champagne...his toast was "to us and to the only woman I can see being married to".
h was very loving and attentive the rest of the night...listen eagerly to my talk about work, asked what he could do to help with my desire for a new job. we watched tv for a while then I went to bed. H said "you do know how much I love you, right?". I said yes and asked the same back of him.
So....I know in the BB scheme of things bitching about not having my anniversary noted in the manner I wanted is probably low on anyone's pain scale...I can appreciate that. I can also appreciate that so much of my sadness and disappointment is based on EXPECTATION and ASSumption. Guilty as charged. There's a part of me that feels like a giant jerk for not being able to completely act "as if" this was all fine and dandy with me. There's another part of me that thinks...no...this IS important to me. And I wasn't unrealistic or inappropriate about my responses to him....
Last year at this time we were 6 weeks post bomb. My m was tenuous to say the least.
Have we come SO FAR that we can ignore the day (noting that we never have before)? I haven't. I never want to ignore the day. and I lamely had hoped for some sort of noting of how far we'd come...maybe that was his goal.
Anyway...I think I need to get back to even more DB basics than I thought...
Positives: h talked a lot about my job with me
h clearly loves me and felt badly
I got an A in one of my classes. Other class grade still pending but the A was in the class I was less sure about!
Sage
BIG PS: It occurs to me from reading over my post that I didn't do what I said I'd do on the phone with h....agree to put it aside for another day.
Going to the grocery store, buying the cake, all of that was in opposition to the agreement.
So...nice mixed message...even though I said it was ok my actions said that it wasn't.
Any thoughts on what to do now? Apology time for Sage?
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Wow. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one that struggles with these things! I'm not sure we can ever rid ourselves of these insecurites totally, but just to recognize them and change how we react is a huge step. Thanks for sharing this Sage-I for one have always thought that I was different from other people for feeling this way. I'm learning to recognize when I'm reacting to these feelings of insecurity and not to project them on my H and others. Instead of withdrawing into myself now, I'm telling myself that I AM lovable, and just because I'm having these feelings, it does not make it truth. IT DOES NOT MAKE IT TRUTH! Rachael
Quote: ...I tell him that I do feel disappointed that we had kind of dropped the ball on noting this at all...and that since our anniversary is going to fall in the middle of his exams for the next three years that I'd like to be more definitive next year about picking a stand-in date to celebrate.
I think you handled this part well - truthful, non-accusatory, and presenting a plan for how you BOTH can do better next year.
Overall - I think it confirms for me a little of what I've been wondering about your sitch. See, you've been so down lately, questioning yourself, double-thinking - reminds me of myself around June of this year. In retrospect, that is when H's depression had started to get bad again but before he and I recognized it and he got back on his antidepressants. It really wasn't me that was depressed or having trouble with the R - I was just REACTING to him, and soaking up his moods. As soon as he perked up and started behaving like his old self, all my doubts about the R and my feelings evaporated. Never underestimate the power of positive affirmations from your spouse! I've been wondering if you haven't just been reacting to H's ongoing depression and letting it drag you down.
Now, in the past, I might have made something like your anniversary a "test" - if he loved me, he would do XY or Z. And I would have been the stoic martyr and made excuses for him if he didn't. But what I WOULDN'T have done is simply speak up and voice my desires. So I think you handled it well in the end - should have simply done that in the beginning, no?
Another vote for Sage being, yet again, too hard on herself!
I'd have been disappointed, too, Sage. And funny thing is I can see exactly how it might kinda sorta slip through the cracks like this.
Our first "post" wedding anniversary came just 2 months after bomb #3...oh the torture of choosing a card!!
No gifts (which we usually do...mostly joint purchases for the house...how romantic )...but dinner out.
Now with work and school woes, the holidays looming, and your "usual" way of celebrating (trip) not planned for the actual date this year...maybe some uncertainty on both your parts as to just HOW to handle it...TOO big a deal? Too LITTLE a deal?
I think you did just fine. Sure you went ahead and DID buy stuff to celebrate that day (vs putting it off)...but it's not like you brought in a home dental kit for crying out loud!!'
Oh yeah, and is anyone else being haunted by those bloody diamond commercials?? I'm actually starting to think that if there aren't a few glittering stones in my stocking this year it will mean he doesn't care!!!
Hey SB and Ellie (and all!) -- Thanks for the perspective...I do think that a lot of my struggles lately have been around needing to spend more active time with h...it's been tough with his sickness and school for both of us...guess QT together is a BIG deal for us!
After struggling a fair amount with beating myself up yesterday I decided to offer h an apology and some appreciation for his approach. I think I've mentioned the newletter that I sometimes write for h when he's spent the night at school...so last night (while he was at exam number 2!) I put one together...it's usually only a few paragraphs on what I did at work and at home. The last paragraph was an apology for the mixed messages that I had sent him and thanked him for supporting me.
He was very excited when I picked him up at the train and was SO enthusiastic about my note. He gave me a giant hug and told me that he felt as though he should have been more sensitive to what I was feeling...that gave me an opportunity to remind us both that he doesn't have to be able to read my mind....we had a great night after that...talking about his school, my work, us, etc. He is SUCH a loving man.
This morning...first thing...he called my office and asked me out on a date for tonight pizza at a great restaurant and a movie ("It's a wonderful life") at the cinema that plays the oldies. What a guy I'm married to!!!
It's been a week since I put goals 1 and 2 in place...
I'm doing great on the meditation every day, very good on the exercise (have done something every day although sometimes it's been my 20 minute yoga tape!) and less than stellar on the flybaby 15...this will be my focus for the next few days! Also, I'm chagrined to note that I haven't done ANY significant 180s...I was "supposed" to do two! As I said to Ellie once..."a rut? Who wouldn't want to be in a rut?" --
As for the other goal...a la identifying ways for me to feel loved and supported and for h to feel my love...haven't put overt actions around it yet but I'd have to say that we KNOW what works...just gotta recognize that when life gets hectic.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
he has that "even if you say this is ok, I'm not going to believe you stance" and I guess he was partly right...I tell him that I do feel disappointed that we had kind of dropped the ball on noting this at all...and that since our anniversary is going to fall in the middle of his exams for the next three years that I'd like to be more definitive next year about picking a stand-in date to celebrate. He says "ok" but says something like "you still don't seem fine with this" in a defensive voice.
