Can anyone advise me on what to tell D2 and D4 about why Daddy is gone all the time? He comes to the house and stays with them while I work 3 afternoons per week, but leaves when I get home and completely absent the other 4 days of the week. D4 has been crying and when I ask why, she says "I don't know." It breaks my heart. I tried to talk to H about what to tell them and told him about the crying and he said "My conscience is full. I can't take in any more." Any thoughts on what that means?
He has been very nice the past 2 nights when I get home from work. He even hugged me goodbye before he left both nights, and the first night he hugged me for a long time. I can see he's in pain and turmoil, but it is so hard to understand why he has to run away from his family to "deal" with it. How does that help exactly?
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Another question....is there such thing as a "mild" or "moderate" vs "severe" MLC? My H fits the mold, but he seems to be less severe and crazy than others I'm reading about here. Or is worse stuff coming down the pipeline? He seems to really realize how deep his issues are and wants to work on himself. What stage would that put him in? The comment about his conscience being full makes me wonder if depression is setting in.....Any thoughts?
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
About the "why they run" question, my H described it as an almost overwhelming feeling that he must run away or he would die. Jim Conway describes flying over a desert island in a plane and pretty much wanting to jump out the window to escape to that oasis of calm. Their pain is so great that it's as though their clothes and hair are on fire and they're afraid the searing pain is going to reach their bodies any second--but nobody else can see it. Their families are going about their normal business, or tearfully reproaching them for the pain they're causing--but all they can think about is the fire.
Yes, some MLCers are definitely more mild than others. My H certainly was--perhaps because the pain his mother caused was balanced by lots of other people who loved him unconditionally? Don't trick yourself into hoping that your H will speed through the tunnel--if the changes he needs to make are to be permanent, it will take him some time to work through his issues.
Also, I know how hard it is not to hold up that timeline as a yardstick, but it is virtually impossible to know "where" they are until you can look back on the completed journey. It really is more helpful to spend the time examining where YOU are on your journey, because it is so much easier to see the progress that we make, from grief-stricken newly bombed LBS, to confident, fully realized adults.
It's great that your H wants to work on himself. While he does, what would you like to do for yourself? Take this time to fully explore your own goals.
With your kids, I would just act like it is normal. Talk about daddy's house or daddy being at work, just like if he were an uncle or friend they wanted to see and couldnt right then. My children miss their dad sometimes, but the less I react, the more calm they are about it.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
My kids don't know H has moved out. My IC thinks I should tell them "Daddy needs to do some work and he can't do it here at home so he will be staying with his friend for a while." H keeps wanting me to say he's at work, but they know he doesn't work this much. Tonight D4 asked why I told her "daddy will come over tomorrow." I don't want to hurt the kids, but if this is going to go on for any length of time I can't keep lying either. What should I do?
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
So H hugged me Monday and Tuesday before leaving, didn't see him Wednesday, and then yesterday he left without hugging me and I was devastated. Why does this one little thing throw me into a complete tailspin??? How can I stop being so affected by every little thing he does or doesn't do? I need very specific instructions, because I'll think I'm doing good, detaching a bit, but then it hits me out of nowhere and I'm a mess (not in front of him, but after he leaves).
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Meganna, its very normal to be feeling that way. As you will read in this boards, detachment is really hard to master. We all watch what our spouses are doing, we are hopeful when things are OK, we look for little signs along the way (crumbs) and greedily gobble them up, then when they withold, we just panic and crash.
At least you are careful not to show it to him.
There are many ways to help cope with it, thought stopping, distract yourself, pray. A good cry also works wonders.
I have been in this sitch for 8 months now and it still hits me.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
You are doing a good job at detaching..It gets easier and we get stronger in time IC is good..It helped me get through it
At first, I had a hard time telling my kids the truth they were 5 and 11 at the bomb And I was unclear what the real truth was Over time, It seemed clearer and right to tell them what I truely believed Dad was not happy..and needed to figure things out first he left to work on himself then he was using and abusing prescription drugs so he was inconsistant and unavailable due to MLC and addcition The truth was they had already experienced his erratic behavior and they were rapidly growing up Now they are 9 and 15 I think it is best to be honest with them and to explain the best way we can that thier age can understand
IT was never about them and that point I said and still say it He loves them and it is not their fault I also theink it is important to allow them time to talk or cry and verbalize the best way for them they do heal in time It is traumatic for everyone in the beginning and they would sometimes watch my cry or hold me they know we are struggling and I would sad I am sad i miss dad or whatever was my truth now it is very different we are somewaht scarred but all wounds heal and although my kids have spent the last 4 years adjusting and letting go of Dad..they seem ok
good luck you will find that in time it will all work out peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Meganna, I think you could benefit by distancing from him before he leaves...maybe, I'm going to do the dishes/load the dishwasher while you are here with the kids, just holler when you're headed out. Or sort laundry, or read a book in your room, or go for a walk, or take a shower.
H wants them to think he's at work because (my opinion) he doesnt want to face them asking about him leaving. I think you can just say he's at work when he's at work or that he's at a friend's house and then tell them when he will come see them. A calendar with some simple marking can help them understand when he is coming - I use this with my kids after it was suggested by a family member dealing with a similar issue.
Maybe with the hug he is trying to detach, maybe he forgot, maybe he loves you less, maybe he thinks you hate him, maybe...maybe...maybe...don't worry about it. Get hugs from your kids and family and let him have the space he wants. It'll be ok someday, maybe soon. Try to stay strong.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
I'm new here too and I can SOOO relate to focusing on every little thing they do--hug, no hug, smile, no smile, email, no email. It is COMPLETe crazy making. I, too, am trying to detach. I feel ridiculous with all of the mind games and the unnatural feeling that I can just be myself with this man who has been my best friend for 20 years. One thing I've had some success with is I try to have music (upbeat) playing when he gets home to get myself in a happier place and to also make him think a little bit. I am a total mess as well. all I can say is I feel your pain...
