Quote: Something really, really scary emerged.... I've been STUCK in "h is doing really wonderful stuff for me but I'm still sad" mode since 03/03.
That blows. And is mighty embarrassing. And speaks volumes about where I need to be turning my energy -- 100%.
Sage, are you analyzing the situation/R too much? It sounds like you're examining your faults in an attempt to make yourself perfect. (Cheeseless tunnel?) You don't have to be perfect. Sometimes you can't figure out why someone loves you - you just have to accept it.
Quote: I found a list of "issues" that I thought h might say about me if he were really mad...this was eye-opening: So....here's a list of behaviors that I would ascribe to myself or think H. would ascribe to me (note that these are the EXTREMES of behaviors -- I don't think I'm ALWAYS like this...)
Lacking confidence in our relationship Lacking confidence in myself as a loveable person Clingy Needing constant reassurance that everything is OK Needing reassurance that A. is over Comparing myself unfavorably to ow Critical of H. in terms of how he shows love to me Insecure Anxious Suspicious Nosy Untrusting Never satisfied Pushy Self-righteous (that A. is ongoing) Disbelieving in what is being said and what is being done Always questioning Mired in either the past or the future Afraid
Self-examination is one thing, but I think you're being a little hard on yourself. Why are you having an "arguement" with yourself? My concern is that your thinking about what your H might say taints your image of him. It's going to be difficult to accept his love if you're thinking about the negative things he might think about you.
Quote: What I'm actually wondering is if it wasn't the unconditional love that ow gave him that H. craves. I've never been able to relax and truly love him -- I mean, really love him, in the way that he's wanted. I think partly because I always felt as though he was going to leave me so I was always "on guard". Now, of course, just when it feels almost impossible for me to love unconditionally, I think that may be the unblocker for us -- but it's SO hard for me to break free of my fears and insecurities.
I re-read this paragraph about five times. If your H is giving you all the signs that he loves you, why think all the negative things about yourself you stated above? When will you consider yourself "good enough"? (Not meant to be a jab. I really wonder if you'll ever consider yourself "good enough" as long as you can find fault in yourself.) Are you expecting too much from yourself?
Sage Darling, Girl, let up a little on yourself. You H is doing wonderful things to show you he loves you. We are ALL insecure after what we've been through. It SOUNDS like your trying to say that you should not feel the way you feel when it's perfectly normal. I could be wrong too. Yes, we have to strive to move through all those things you listed, but we surely cannot bypass them. What we have to try to do is work through them as best we can and not project all this onto our H's because to do so is not going to draw them closer to us. Your personality is such that you analyze things. I do that too. Big time. It's good to a point because we figure out what's good and what's not so good. Listing those things helps other on here that are not so analytical-everyone always thanks you for your posts including me because we can all relate so well. Keep making those lists-we can all strive to work through all the things you listed in your lastest post, but you are doing great Sage! My gosh, your H is evidence of that! He is treating you like a queen from your posts, so you must be doing alot of things right too!! Rachael
Karen -- I DO see us as alike in so many ways and I SO appreciate your honesty with me when you see me wandering down cheeseless tunnels...I am not upset with your frankness at all! I welcome it, friend, so please keep it coming!
Quote:
It's great that you are making progress by not "putting it OUT to him." What is helping? How can you continue to FEEL better on the inside even if you are *acting as if* you are fine with him?
I guess time is helping...and meditating...and talking back to myself...etc. But I really, really want to FEEL better...to feel that "we're going to be OK feeling" that I've had on occasion in the last year.
Quote: I don't want to hijack your thread, but maybe this will help. In my case, part of the c-making is not necessarily to get the words, but to see that H could/would get really mad at me (and sometimes I would push to REALLY REALLY REALLY MAD at me), but he STAYED. For him to forgive me was the payoff.
I don't think I try to get h mad...I think I try to get him to CHOOSE me overtly....to say...yes, you are ok....you are who I want. I think I also try to get the verbal reassurances.
Quote: How does it feel to you to truly adore your h, to love him, to be completely open to him, to not have conditions on him? Do you experience that sometimes? I do...sometimes...not your h. But, why oh why, is it only sometimes? How to feel that way all the time? Or at least more of the time.
I HAVE felt that way....and honestly, I feel it in my heart...what I stop myself from doing is giving it away TO HIM....I tell h that I love him quite often, I am physically affectionate with him, etc, but it still feels guarded...don't get too close...don't give too much...he may hurt you again. But it's a double edge sword for me because I beat myself up for not giving him more, for not being able to take the leap...
Maybe THAT's my payoff...I get to beat myself up...remind myself that I am unloveable since I'm unloving.
I WILL get there, though. I know it.
**************** Had sort of a strange (but good) night. H had his first exam...I drove in to pick him up at school...while I was waiting I made some decisions about how to implement this goal...to open myself up...will put that into another post.
Anyway...I was psyched to see h because I figured we'd go out and celebrate his exam...he hasn't had the time or energy to go out much lately so I thought we'd have a date in town. H gets out of his exam, greets me and says "I may have committed a faux pas. I told ff that we'd give her a ride to her car (at the train station in our town)."
I was thrown for a loop for a bunch of reasons...I had thought we might go out (my ASSumption)...I was confused by why she would park in our town...and I wasn't relishing trying to quickly clean out my car to put another passenger in it...I was totally confused. FF comes up and we walk the 10 minutes to my car (freezing cold!) with them chatting about the exam.
h was awesome...took my hand while we walked...not hesistant at all.
We get to my car...quick cleanup...drive her to her car. She explained that sometimes she parks in our town since more trains go thru there. OK. that makes sense. Conversation is fine.
We are alone again. h says he's sorry for throwing that at me. I tell him it's ok but that I was confused...had thought we were going out...h rallied and said "let's go out on a date right now" so we went to a local place. On the way he said "I thought if you got to know her you'd feel less strange about her". I thanked him for thinking of that and he said "I'm trying".
Got to the restaurant and I offered a toast to his exams and to his thoughtfulness re. my sense of security. He toasted my support. I apologized by being thrown and he apologized for throwing
Lots of good stuff all around.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: she talks about getting out the After the Affair book and doing it. Would your H do this? Would actively working on it help you with your insecurities? And if your H won't participate, maybe you need to read it (again)? JMHO
Holdingon...hmmm...so my kneejerk reaction was "no way will he do this" but TBH my h has done (and is doing) a lot of things I never thought he'd do...I need to get this book again and see if it would help.. Thanks! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
SB, Christine, T24, PIB...thanks for the kind words and support! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one wrestling with these thoughts...and I'm also happy to know that my "putting it out there" is helping someone else!
What an amazing amount of positive energy we have here!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hey CHL -- arrgh on the 12/13/03 thingy...but thanks for pointing it out!
Quote: Sometimes you can't figure out why someone loves you - you just have to accept it.
So...that's the "problem" that I was trying (too hard?) to fix -- my difficulty in accepting love from my h...and from others, too I suppose.
Quote: Self-examination is one thing, but I think you're being a little hard on yourself. Why are you having an "arguement" with yourself? My concern is that your thinking about what your H might say taints your image of him. It's going to be difficult to accept his love if you're thinking about the negative things he might think about you.
So the list...and actually the thoughts on what ow had offered him that I didn't were both from March of this past year. I reposted them to show myself that I'm STILL STUCK in the same old, same old.
Quote: If your H is giving you all the signs that he loves you, why think all the negative things about yourself you stated above? When will you consider yourself "good enough"? (Not meant to be a jab. I really wonder if you'll ever consider yourself "good enough" as long as you can find fault in yourself.) Are you expecting too much from yourself?
So...it's an interesting question...am I being too hard on myself? Am I just finding fault with me? Or am I trying to get unstuck...to find a way past something that has plagued me for YEARS...certainly way before my m...
Am I being too hard on myself or am I NOT being hard enough? OK...so maybe beating myself up for my fears and anxieties isn't going to get me any closer to my goal...likely won't help me FEEL GOOD about ME...so..how about a more "strength based" approach...something that is fostered by the things I'm good at? I'm good at understanding myself...I'm good at bravely facing my motivations and actions...I'm good at putting a plan around changes...I'm good at implementing plans, tracking progress, making changes.
So...I have gotten stuck on the "info gathering" stage at times...which is where you caught me yesterday...re-reading old threads to see where I have been...to see what had worked...and what didn't, etc.
I guess it was just eye-opening to realize that I've identified this as an issue over and over again. Here's another weird thing...cleaning out my office yesterday I found an article (opinion piece, actually) from the paper from 3 years ago...it was titled "Trying to Learn how to Let Love In" and it was about this woman's struggle to learn how to be loved. I cut it out mid 2000.
I guess the teacher keeps appearing again and again and again...in a variety of guises.
Here's a strange thought...my biggest challenge appears to be learning how to be loved...to accept that I am loveable...there are times (ASSumption) when it seems as though h's challenge is to know that his love is GOOD ENOUGH. What a wonderful pair we will make in our VICTORY!
Underdog....I'm not sure this is exactly what you meant yesterday about positive approaches but it occurred to me last night that my goal needed more positive action...I still think that noticing the negative thoughts is very important for me...it's my best barometer for when I'm getting SCARED and for me scared = withdrawing and withholding...but here's some stream of consciousness thoughts I left on my voice mail last night...
3rd goal should be about getting to the place where I feel safe and loved and adept at loving h. What helps you feel this love? What keeps you from feeling it? what helps you feel good about sending him love?
Now...where to go from here????
I think I need to answer the questions that Karen has been asking me...
what makes me feel loved and safe and secure? what gets me to the place where I can offer that unconditionally to h.
Here's a message to my h if he is reading this... Sweetheart....thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and resilience and hard work and growth. I'm working hard at hearing what you are telling me every day...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
But, why oh why, is it only sometimes? How to feel that way all the time? Or at least more of the time. 
On the way he said "I thought if you got to know her you'd feel less strange about her". I thanked him for thinking of that and he said "I'm trying". 
