sometimes ya gotta just stop picking at the scab, stop pulling the cover off and looking at the healing wound..sometimes ya just gotta say..ya crapola that this "accident" happend..I learned from it and now I'll be a better driver. The scar doesn't make me any less of a person than someone who didn't have an "accident".
so sage...what is it going to take for you to accept that your m is strong and healthy? what is it going to take for you to accept that you are strong and healthy (and wonderful, and smart and ... the list goes on)?
what's it going to take for you to accept that although there is a scar you didn't loose a limb and eventually that scar may not even itch anymore.
posted this to you on one of your older threads...(gee seems like I posted to you a heck of a lot more way back when)
Quote:
Believe
I am you and you are me Why’s that such a mystery ? If you want it you got to believe Who are we ? We’re who we are Riding on this great big star We’ve got to stand up if we’re gonna be free yeah
If you want it you got to believe Believe in yourself ‘Cause it’s all just a game We just want to be loved
The Son of God is in your face Offering us eternal grace If you want it you’ve got to believe ‘Cause being free is a state of mind We’ll one day leave this all behind Just put your faith in God And one day you’ll see it
If you want it you got it You just got to believe Believe in yourself ‘Cause it’s all just a game We just want to be loved
The future’s in our present hands Let’s reach right in Let’s understand If you want it you’ve got to believe yeah
If you want it you got it You just got to believe Believe in yourself yeah ‘Cause it’s all just a game We just want to be loved
asside from the fact that I just really like the song (lenny kravitz btw) there is a HUGE statment in there for YOU.
If you want it YOU'VE GOT IT, you've just got to BELIEVE, BELIEVE in YOURSELF!
sage I think it's pretty clear to all of us that your h truly loves you and is happy with you and regrets his mistake....if you take a min or perhaps go back and scan over your threads..you will find many many many words of affirmation and kind gestures and much much much quality time put in by your h toward the m. Kiddo, I don't think you have a damn thing to be worried about as far as your m is concerned...you've both weathered the storm and come out the other side beautifully into the sun. it's ok to take the shades off and see just how bright it is...it's not a false light either sage..it's real...you've just got to BELIEVE!
I am crashing this party. Just wanted to say that while my thread is over in Newcomers, I've been reading lots here in piecing and have gained a lot of learning from reading your threads particularly.
A lot. You are one wise woman. And a terrific DBer. And a light to those of us less far along on this path.
Karen, your post was brilliant. So well put. So important. We should all print it out and paste it up somewhere where we have to see it every day!
wonder
p.s. I am not sure I understand what you mean by crazymaking. Is this creating drama or chaos that doesn't need to be there?
I don't have much to add...just puttin' my tag on your great new thread!!
And for Karen....back a ways, not sure how many threads, Sage goes into some detail on early life stuff that formed some of these basic fears in response to some of my posts.
The seeds were definitely planted well before any of the "this" stuff.
Shiny
P.S. has anyone answered your question re the thread title? did I miss it?
I'm pretty sure it's Asian Martial arts...but could it be Kung Fu?
Have you read Mars/Venus? I'm thinking you have... do you remember the part where he discussed the woman's need to cycle down to the bottom? I made sort of a jump to conclusion that he was talking about PMS, but he elaborated that PMS is part of that process, but not always so. I think that you just might be needing to "go down" for a little while".
I have...it's weird but I always associated his description of the down cycle as just plain old being in a bad mood...but your post made me realize it can just be about retreating a bit, deciding not to do anything, taking care of myself and h as best I can, etc.
Quote: My need for crazymaking stemmed from my childhood--getting my parents' attention and words of affirmation when I handled a crisis with grace, speed and efficiency. I've just transferred the need to hear that from my parents to Mr. Wonderful.
I think mine in part comes from needing to hear that everything is OK and status quo. That I'm ok and status quo...that the world hasn't changed while I wasn't looking. My childhood was very volatile, very unpredictable and not particularly secure in terms of well, much of anything, but affection in particular. My mom could turn on a dime and hate you when a second before she was loving you...and the hatred was always said with FAR more vehemence.
Quote: Sometimes the best thing to do when you're feeling the need to do something nutty to relieve yourself of whatever you're feeling is to do absolutely nothing.
So...this is what I'm going to put my goal around...recognizing when I'm in crazy making mode and then substituting a positive (or NO) activity for the negative.
************** So...I had a not pleasant thought this morning as to other reasons why I've been crazy making of late...some of it is definitely what I've said -- wanting to get reassurance from h that I AM good enough, that things ARE good, that he HAS chosen me, etc. That the world is AOK.
But...I also realized that my current mental gyrations are a way of keeping us both bound by a lack of forgiveness.
I'm not overtly asking for reassurances or bringing up the A...but my WITHHOLDING of joy, of complete acceptance of how good things are for us now, of love, of commitment, of calm is a way (in part) of reminding ME and of reminding HIM (I suppose) of THE STORY. You know the STORY -- where I was hurt and betrayed and on and on.
WHY? Because if I cling to the STORY...I get to cling to all the hurt. And I get to NOT QUITE forgive. And in some totally perverse (and untrue) way I get to feel a bit safer...
IF I don't fully forgive and it happens again, well, I won't have been duped.
If I don't fully forgive then maybe the fall won't be so hard or long.
If I don't fully forgive don't I get to withhold ALL that I am SO AFRAID of giving to him? Don't I get to do it "justifiably"? Well...I'd TOTALLY love you but you did this bad thing....
How convenient for me.
Everytime I look at him and think "are you still in touch with ow"? I get to do two things:
1. I get to keep myself mired in "the story" -- so safe 2. I get to withdraw and withhold
Oh, wait, another thing...I get to passively punish h. Yah, I'm not yelling at him or throwing it in his face...but I do get to protect myself AND punish him at the same old time.
I don't think the punishing element is the conscious reason...well...maybe the punishing of ME is...but it happens nonetheless. A byproduct of the pseudo-safe area I think I've created.
It's time for this to stop. it's time to forgive myself and h. It's time to stop withholding. It hurts both of us.
Time to go bravely where no Sage has gone before!
Goal #3 -- To recognize periods of crazymaking and withholding and turn them on their butt
a. To keep track of my state of mind by counting (and recording) the number of negative thoughts per day. This is supposed to help cut down on them.
b. To pay special attention (and note) the negative fantasy thoughts I sometimes have where I've caught h cheating again and tell him I'm leaving
c. To generate a list of Sage and h items -- some for just me to comfort myself and some for him and some for us. Things to do (small, whatever) that I can substitute for the times when I am eager to make a passive fuss and/or pull away
d. to consciously substitute either NO action or a positive action for the crazymaking and withdrawing
I'm amazed at all the responses I got this weekend...I'll respond to you all this afternoon!
Positives: 1. h let me quiz him for his exam tonight 2. h was cozy with me all weekend..full of wonderful affirmations and physical touch 3. I did some cooking this weekend -- I usually don't take the time to do it even though I want to -- it was nice to do if for me!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
As usual, you know WHAT to do. You recognize the cheesless tunnel you are going down in referance to the OW thing. I'm not sure you can keep yourself from thinking about it.(none of us can) You can however decide how you will react or not react. Your doing all the right things Sage. You see the problem and find a solution. Your very good at this DBing stuff.BTW, I'm trying to do the 3 positive things every day. What else was it you suggested I do in addition? I'm trying to stay positive here! It's working. He's not as distant. It's just gonna take time to get him to trust my changes, and to get him back to where he was before I messed it up with my actions. Rachael
