Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis detached from everyone - but ok...

I'm sorry it's come to this TAMF.
I am glad though you found the strength to stick to your convictions and boundaries.

I wouldn't call what you have experienced getting hard. I'd call being resolute and true to yourself.

If you had backed down it would have been the same old waltz.
Time to rhumba baby!

TAMF it is hard to let go of the "old emotional me", I'm struggling with the same thing! I keep tying that girl to the one who was happily married and who took the vows "for better or for worse", you know? But that girl was victimized and I know it, and she'll keep being a victim unless she gets off that merry-go-round.

I think what we have to work on is trying to reconcile living our lives now without these broken exes and not see what WE are doing as betraying any vows or anything. We are choosing to exit a situation that is dragging us into a place from which we and our families cannot flourish.

If these guys ever choose to come along on the ride to betterment with us, then great. We can entertain that idea if THEY are committed to change and progress. But until they do, the best thing for us to do is compartmentalize. We had some wonderful years with them, but right now, it's not that way. We are giving ourselves space to heal and be strong, and they impede our progress. It's not about being hardened. It's about survival of the fittest ;-)

She isn't gone TAMF.
If she was gone, you wouldn't care.
She'll come back, tempered a bit, but she'll be back. Honest.

The other part of that? You'd don't want her rushing back to the fore front either, not with him, with him, you want her to come back slowly and cautiously.

TAMF,

I think, unfortunately, you are doing the right thing. Setting those boundaries is important for you. Our sitches aren't that different....Gonna update soon....

H called and asked again if he could go with me to the councelor, I said why. He said that he really needs help and doesn't know what to do.

I said that he could go. no matter what happens to us - he needs help!!

The session was interesting. It wasn't at all like what he thought it would be like. C told him that he needs to get his own IC. H agreed and said he would really like that.

In the session, C asked him why he couldn't give up the OW. He said that he didn't know - couldn't understand himself or his feelings. He got flushed and emotional - he was so frustrated with himself. He told the C that he loved me, I was his best friend, but after that there was something missing and he couldn't figure out why he can't be completely happy with me. It upsets him that he feels this way. She told him that she understood that he is confused. And she explained to him that I started the grieving process 9 months ago when the bomb dropped, and he didn't. So when I filed for divorce, it finally hit him what it means and what he has done. His grieving process is just beginning.

When C asked me what I was feeling and where I was with the divorce - I said that I was tired of "pretending" like we are working on our marriage when he is still with the ow. I just want to move forward - whether that is with H or alone - I just don't want to live in limbo any more. I said that 1/2 of me understands what he is going through and wants to do whatever I can to be there for him, give him all the time he needs to figure things out. the other 1/2 is the half that asks,"what about TAMF? Who is there for her? this 1/2 just wants to move on one way or the other."

Depending on the day, I don't know what half wins.

On the way back to work, H told me he felt better. That it felt good to talk to someone and not have to filter what you say. He asked me to print out a list of IC from our insurance network.

I am going to sleep on my decision to have the divorce papers delivered to him this week. He is killing me with his confusion. It makes my own thoughts about what to do so chaotic. I feel like I am going crazy.

Well I think the main thing that sticks out to me is that you are super strong. SUPER strong and resilient. That's such progress. You're supportive of him but you also support YOU. And if a choice ever has to be made, you'll choose to support yourself first. That's progress :-)

when it rains it pours (into my basement!) – but I still have my sense of humor! How about I give you the laundry list?

• My job is not secure as we are experiencing horrible financial problems at work due to the bad economy

• H experienced problems at work that lead to him not working for most of last month so we are BROKE

• Found out we owe $5,000 in taxes

• Got in a fenderbender with my new car on Tuesday

• Basement flooded on Tuesday night because we received 6 inches of rain and the ground is frozen

• Grandma is dying a slow horrible death

• I filed for divorce – but have yet to send him the summons because he hit rock bottom emotionally and we have so many other things we need to deal with right now. He asked me to wait to summon him. He is so very broken and confused. It is so sad.

• I still love my husband even though I am prepared to let go. He is my best friend and we talk constantly, more now than ever before. Tragic.



oh yeah forgot to mention that i was racing my daughter to the car the other night (stupid, I know) and she cut me off, I tripped and fell (if you know my real name this is funny actually)skinned up my hands really bad and now I have a bruise on my hip the size of a 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper!!!

It's all pretty hilarious when you lay it all out like this - did I break a mirror? for pete's sake did I break a store full of mirrors? LOL!!!

Ok, all of my DB friends...this is where you say:

"I feel sorry for you, and I feel sorry for myself too!"

*****This is my favorite saying now - it is something I overheard my great uncle say to my great aunt when they were getting old and dementia was setting in for my aunt and Parkinson’s disease was setting in for my uncle.*******

And yet TAMF...

You haven't broken.

And if this doesn't break you?

I cannot think of what would.

T - The
A - Adamant
M - Muther
F - ing

Lady.

Thanks Jack! appreciate the support

TAMF, I deal better with guys...so I don't often interact with the ladies who already have a strong support group. Plus I'm so damnn attractive on the boards I don't want to blur any lines... ; )

What is your plan, what's your goal and what's your boundary?

He is home, but he is texting the OM?

To me, for me...the goal isn't to get them back no matter the cost.

For me? I'd ask to see the phone when a texting went down...that I knew 100% was with the OM, smash it and tell her to get out until she was f-ing serious about commiting to rebuilding us as a couple, instead of screwing with my emotions.

But that is a pretty hard ultimatium. It seems like he responded to the threat of the Divorce.

In DR, Michele does says on page 230-231. When nothing is changing and your at the end of your rope one of the last things you can try is an ultimatium. However you must be prepared to follow through with it.

Micheles example of an ultimatium is very much nicer and the real way to make one.

For any of you new people, reading this, this advice, about the ulitmatium? It's for TAMF, not you, it is specific advice to her situation, not general advice for everyone.