Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Piecing is almost harder than before #2...

BTW, I'm getting close to that point too. The only difference with me is that I THINK (not 100% sure yet, maybe 80% sure) and Hope (100%) that it's just a matter of time for me.

Here's what I know for sure. If I'm patient, I have good odds that things will be great again some day soon. If I'm not, I have 100% odds they won't. If I'm patient and I wait 6 or 12 more months and they work out, then FANTASTIC. If they don't, I've wasted 6 or 12 months. If I'm impatient and screw it up, I've only potentially saved 6 months, but maybe wasted 50 years! The risk vs. reward matrix clearly says be patient....

great thinking!
I'm cutting that out and posting it above my computer.

So back off XYZ.

Patience is a gift you give yourself. It's really about you and how you approach the issue. Yes your W sees benefits, but now that patience is coming to me, I feel so much better. I am happier and more secure. It really is amazing.

Of course, I 100% believe things will come back including ML. But I can wait. The kisses and hugs, I can wait too. I used to try to put an imaginary time line on things like ML. Like I'd like to get back to being intimate in the next 2 months. Those are going because it doesn't really matter in the big picture whether we ML or not in the nest 2 months. What does matter is that she is here and she is working.

Hey just wanted you to know; if you are 6 months since the bomb and back in the house for 4 months, that is actually CRAZY, insane progress. Each case is different for sure but after a few years of lurking, it seems like it often takes 6 months for spouses to even start to decompress and begin to believe the changes. You are way ahead of the curve.

I don't see it that way. Well except for the pushing part, is that the hybrid?

Thanks, DNO(y). That's nice to hear. I have always been very driven and goal oriented. I'm successful in my career, and don't often let much come between me and my goals. Those are usually "good" qualities. As with many things, there is a dark side. That dark side is that I want everything now. I go get it. And when it's not in my control, it's very challenging for me. Thanks for the the 2x4.

JTB - I feel that way because while W and I ware both working on things, we discuss her pain and feelings, but don't really discuss mine very much. When mine come up, she is very quick to say something like "you're just justifying your actions". She hasn't gotten to a point of accepting any responsibility at all or even acknowledging that she could have had any role at all in our fall.

Don't get me wrong, it's way better than before, but I would think "real" piecing is when both parties are accepting responsibility, both parties are listening to the other and both parties are making adjustments. Right now, I feel like it's a little one-sided. But more time....

XYZ...that would be frustrating.

At least for me, my W acknowledges her role in the situation and also acknowledges my work and feelings.

Honestly, I think your W is being completely unrealistic. Especially, since she is some sort of therapist. What is so hard about saying, "I'm not justifying my actions, but I do think it's important for you to know where I'm coming from for this to work."

It was her choice to ask you to come home, it was her choice to ask you to try to work on thing (I think JTB had something similar with his W) and I believe in your post about it you said she hoped she didn't do irreparable harm.

I understand there might be some fear in approaching things that way. maybe

As for things continue to progress. We had a nice dinner out with the kids, during it my W was making a ton of eye contact (if didn't know any better I'd think she was flirting, LOL) No kiss or hug before bed, but I was s'okay with it. In reality, her going to bed earlier than me gives me time to indulged in a little Call of Duty without taking away from her or the kids.

Then this morning before work, she said Let me give you a hug. I think she went in for a kiss, but I turned my head an she kissed my cheek. She also called me the "pet name" she has for me that I haven't heard ina long time time and said "I was a good dude."

I'm trying to mentally slow things down though as we are a work in progress and I see it would be easy to just fall back again.

XYZ, are you justifying your actions?
Or more likely does it 'sound' like you are justifying your actions?

I really like what Harrier said: "I'm not justifying my actions, but I do think it's important for you to know where I'm coming from for this to work." Or something similar and in your own words.

It's not really piecing if it is all one sided. Learn how to talk, communicate, try new ways, come in sideways, but do not keep doing what doesn't work, that strategy is partially why you're here.

Hey Harrier,

Was born in Waterbury, and family in Watertown. How close to you?