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DF:

I don't think you should include her in your apt search. She's not going to live there, so you have to find one that suits you and your kiddos. And if she brings up anything about it, I would simply be polite and say something like you I know you are anxious (this validates you recognize her feelings) and that you are working diligently in finding a suitable place for you and your children.

I can't really give you adivce on how to move out when you really don't want to, because I didn't move out but my STXH did. I can tell you from THAT perspective and I'm not sure it will be helpful. But, I, of course of was devastated when he moved out. I felt like with each passing day that there was a huge countdown. I really pleaded alot, I got depressed, I would cry almost every day etc. It really affected my health, my job. And jus like MWD said in her book, it didn't work. I had no choice but to let him go and hope that he would come to his senses once he moved out. But WAS/MLC'ers aer just not in that mindset. I had to accept it for what it was and has been for over a year. He feels his life is happier w/o me in it.

I know this is something that you don't want, but I really feel that by you doing this, you will show her that you are committed to all the changes you are slowly making. It would also be a 180 for you. Behavior modification which is what esentially DB'g is takes time. It's alot of undoing of our routines that we have been comfortable with for a lifetime. Having said that, someone has to tip the domino and get those changes going. It's all about YOU and your kiddos now. You can't worry about your W at the moment. She has to get her own self-awareness in her own way and in her own time. Consider her like a piece of lost luggage.

I'm not sure if I helped in anyway. Keep positing.

DF,
I'm in a similar sitch as you. I moved out the weekend before last to appease my W. I did all the apt searching myself, but I did show W some of the places I looked at. In the end I chose a place that worked for me (cheap, nearby, 6 month lease) and let her know when I signed the lease.

I think your sitch may be a little different in that you have kids together (my assumption). In my case, my kids are with 1st W, and the S helps in that W has a hard time with my S14.

W and I had similar discussions as yours, worries about paying bills, taking care of house, dividing things, etc.

In some ways, other than maybe your kids, I think it's easier once you've moved into an apt. More of my energy has been spent on making apt a home, time to myself, GAL. Also know that when we were S last fall (taking turns staying at my MIL) we were starting to reconcile which all fell apart after I (unilaterally) moved back in. Point being: don't rush back! Use this as a time for your own growth.

I'm apt hunting in our town so I don't move to far away from the kids.

Talked to W about parenting time last and I proposed the typical 1 night a week and every other weekend. She thought one weeknight would be tough on the kids and proposed every other weekend plus an extra one during the 2 months a year with 3 weekends.

W thinks I should get my parenting time while driving the kids to/from daily activities and drop them off at the front door. She also thinks I should pickup oldest son in morning and drive him to the bus stop (15 minute drive to bus stop for school in other town).

It feels like she wants me to do all the work and be happy I get to see the kids while driving them around town. Is this normal for separated parents with kids?

I feel like tellin her that if she wants so much custody thhen she needs to do the work. That and have her live on about what she would be likely to get in a formal separation aggreenment but would just be me trying to to make her suffer and the kids would get hurt.

I will wait until we have been separated a few months before bringing it up.

When I got home from S9's soccer tonight W was getting a demo from a vacuum salesman that had setup an appt with her.

She was in the process of buying a $1,000 vacuum cleaner with a boatload of accessories.

The old me would have reacted negatively and questioned why we need to spend so much on a vacuum cleaner so my reaction was the complete opposite. I was positive, upbeat and complementary of the whole thing. Not that she asked for my opinion.

So I avoided an argument and turned what could have been a very negative sitch into a positve interaction.

I noticed that whe wasn't wearing her weeding ring which is very unusual for her. It was killing me but I didn't mention it. I mustn't read anything into this.

My wife and I have discussed it and I'm planning on moving out on April 1st.

She is seeing the changes I'm making and is happy with them but feels like my effort is too late.

I've told her my view is that I will move out because that is what she wants but I prefer to stay together.

Now she feels like she is the bad guy in wanting me to move out. How should I handle that? Tell her that it's her choice and she needs to deal with it?

DF:

Couple of things....

My STXH said the same thing to me aboutme when I was going to therapy. I think he noticed some change as well, but he too said although I'm very happy for you, it's come too late. It's NEVER too late no matter what IMHO. Some people never even get it. WE did. Step/Goal #1. She is just trying to remain in control and perhaps is still angry and frustrated as to why it took YOU so long to get this point when she has been doing cartwheels to get you notice so many times before. Our S's don't have the trust that these changes will be permanent because of all the empty promises we have made in the past. I think you can say to her when she comments like that, I appreciate your recognition in noticing my changes and I'm sure you have doubts, but this is who I am now.

I would handle her feelings about her being the bad guy by maybe saying something like this (and I'm quoting TrueGritter)

W, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.


You are basically validating her feelings, detaching lovingly and not pressuring her. Look at all those DB Skills wrapped up in a small bow! ;-) I think if you told her these words, she would look at you like who is this guy?! Would it be a 180 for you compared to how you would react in the past? Think about True's response vs. the one you had wanted to say. Which one do you think will get you more of the same or a different response?

Hi,
I having a hard time finding a suitable apt for me and 3 kids 2 days a week. I discussed it with my W and she thought I was stalling and looking for an excuse not to move out. After some discussion she (I know, not very good dbing) offered that I shouldn't move out and she would suffer through our M. Since getting things done is a problem for me I told her I would move out and give her what she is asking for. She did say this was a test to make sure my changes are for real.

I can't believe how much she is willing to affect the kids for this test. One problem is all the apts I'm looking at require 12 month leases

Suggestion for you, take a look at fully furnished suites meant for temporary business people. In my town they have a building dedicated to that.

I had set April 1st as the date for me to move out and then at the last day decided I didn't want to. W didn't take it well but seemed resigned to it. My plan was to continue to DB while in the house.

Now 3 weeks later, my W has been depressed, drinking more than she should on the nights she doesn't fall asleep early and is now decided that since I won't move out that she will but this time NOT planning on taking the children with her. During the conversation she said that I hadn't done the things in the past couple of months that she thought would have made a difference. So I asked her what those things are. Her response:
1. I haven't taken initiative to start conversations about separating. I only react to her starting conversations/requests
2. I only talk to her about the kids schedules and the boys (10 and 13) sports
3. I didn't get us back to MC. (She wasn't willing in the past 3 months)

She is right on all three counts but the only half valid one is the discussions about sports. 1. I don't want to initiate convos about separating since that's not what I want. 3. She wasn't willing to do MC 6 months ago so I assumed that she wasn't willing now.

One theme that has come up in our discussions is that she thinks I don't love her and that I don't treat her like a friend. It seems like focusing on the children, GAL and going semi-dark may have had the opposite reaction.

Well, now she is planning on moving out for June 1st. I did offer to move out again today but she turned me down because she doesn't believe I will leave.

I'm going to help her with her plans to leave and see where this takes us. I will have the children for Sun-Thursday nights and we would alternate weekends. Since she works part time and I work full-time I would get the 3 kids on the bus in the morning and she will have them from after school until I come home from work around 6PM.

I'm very concerned about her now since she was a stay at home mom for 11 years who would never separate from the children and now she is going to leave them. She also feels that she is a battered wife without the bruises from my emotional abuse of her.

My IC did tell me to be very careful since in our state all she has to do is call the police and say I've abused her and the police will be forced to arrest me.

So that's my rambling update.

At this point I'm going to:
- Treat her like a friend and initiate conversations that are not kid schedule or sports related. Focus on her.
- Continue to enjoy the kids and GAL
- Help her along with her plan to move out

Hi,
My W wants to discuss finances of the separation. She proposed each of us 1/3 of the combined monthly net income and children getting 1/3. Since she has only started working again and part time my salary is much larger than hers and I would essentially be giving her spousal support. She would need help in order to get a large enough apt for the kids during her parenting time and since she is proposing to take care of the kids from 2pm to 6pm daily it seems like fair.

Should we engage a mediator to make this more real at this point or is financial proposal something we can move forward with? Would using a divorce mediation service push us further apart or would it allow us to separate with less issues?

The sidenote is W is looking at apartments that would require her to spend 2/3 of her monthly income on rent and utilities. That part alone is very scary to her and to me.

thanks in advance