Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Wife of 6-years wants a divorce - pt 3

IMHO she will try. Remember she's about 5 years old emotionally right now.
Is she allowed to clean you out without any barriers?
That's for you ( the adult) to decide. She's moved out.

So aside from acting childish, I'll treat this like a test she's giving to see how I respond. Less than a stranger, indeed...I told her that's how I felt many months ago, but she somehow managed to justify it within in herself that it was okay to treat me worse than a stranger because she resents me.

A point. You are not denying her access to stuff. You are merely securing YOUR home. She is welcome to come in with YOU there.

I feel like I'm living in a children's playhouse. I'm probably childish too, but with all the adults and my wife's parents helping her this week, you'd think ONE of them would have some kinda social conscience, right? I guess negativity is infectious. A mob mentality, if you may.

Thing is they are her support network. If she's demonised you, they've taken on her perspective as you being the bad actor in this.
I haven't spoken to my inlaws since I called and told them H. walked out on me and the kids. They in turn have not communicated with me in that time either.

UPDATE 6pm

My wife brings her father to the house to load stuff up. He stays outside. My wife had made the decision to break contact with her parents from the year we were married, so I haven't seen my father-in-law for 6 years. I was ready to face my demons because he probably wanted to kill me for hurting his daughter.

I had been vacuuming a carpet earlier and the vacuum was sitting out. My wife sees it and says I need to use that. I asked if she was going to return it tomorrow or something because I needed to clean the place up (due to the mess she left behind). She indicated that she's keeping it. I was, like, WHAT?

That started the whole ball rolling about why I thought it was not okay to take things she wants to take. I said it's not that I want the vacuum, it's the principle of it. Then my wife said that everyone, including her dad, said she was too nice in leaving things behind for me. They said she should've wiped me clean because they felt that I had mooched off her loan money while hurting her with porn.

I asked her if she and they are focused on the money-mooching aspect now, rather than dealing with what caused our marital problems, i.e. porn and lies? She said they're all part of it, to which I said the root cause was my porn addiction - not money, not laziness or whatever, or are you telling me you're reneging on agreeing to take out some loans to help us through the earlier part of our marriage? Then my wife said she knows I'm not over it (porn). I said I never was, then she interrupted: "You always said you're over it, but you never are. You want me to remain in a marriage where I'm unhappy and miserable?" I said again, "I have told you I never was over it....I still fight it, I still have temptations, but I know how to control them."

That was pretty much it...she was upset and crying a little. At one point she stood in front of my crying and I asked if she wanted a hug. She said she just wants to get away from me. Later I helped moved her office desk with her. And then she and her dad drove away without letting me say goodbye or goodnight to our son. I called her and left a message that I was surprised that they left without letting me say bye to 'E'. Please tell him goodnight for me and give him a kiss for me too, I added.

Got through first real night alone in this house. It probably hasn't really sunk in yet.

Yea take it easy man. It might take a while. When my wife left in 2009 for 6 months, it sunk in big time 4 weeks after she left.

One thing that i do look forward to is talking to my daughter every other day. It keeps my world from falling apart.

yea seems like your W still is angry about your issues. I dont recall, but are you guys on the D path?

See our D might be finalized in a week or so and my W still complains about my attitudes about money. I guess somethings are never let go.

She wants a divorce in June, I think.

My feelings about spouses who still lament or complain or cry about what they don't like about us are:

A. They still haven't mourned or gotten over their own guilt.
B. They still are not sure of their decisions, even after the fact, like in a case of a divorce.
C. Certain people tend to hold grudges longer than others.
D. Some spouses had developed a mother-son relationship.

Like MWD said in her book, as well as other authors -- it's good when the spouse complains or criticizes or nags, because at some level they still care about the relationship. It's when they stop doing it altogether when you need to start worrying. I'm not sure if this rule applies to after a spouse who walks away, but I'd like to think that.

UPDATE 9am

Had another appointment with my DB coach, Chuck. Told him about what has happened the past week and a half, from my wife breaking the news that she's moving out, not revealing her address, the two big conversations my wife and I had, and the move. I tried to describe to him how and I said/acted in each of those situations. Basically I repeated everything you can read here in this thread since 2/18. Chuck's summarized that I did fairly well as a DBer, but not so hot in a few of those situations. He noticed that when I messed up, I let my emotions rule the roost, especially when it came to setting my boundaries. He told me to make sure my goals are behavior oriented, not feeling oriented.

As an aside, a few minutes ago I picked up a black and white photo that was lying on the floor in the house. It was our son at Chuck-E-Cheese when he was a little under two years old. I couldn't hold back the tears...I miss him already. I'm looking forward to seeing him later at dinner.