I posting this here and in MLC because there is some GREAT advice getting pulled up from older posts...
That got lost with the passage of time.
I am not putting this here to start a debate because as I have reconciled all this against my own experience I find we all are really saying the same advice and have the same goal ...
Help the LBS find their way.
In hopes of clarifying...at least the way I see it:
MLC (fog) vs WAS
And…Bo Peep doesn’t work.
Leave them alone and they’ll come home. Patiently wait until they decide to come back?
Denial? Yup.
But not the way it's been descibed in the past IMO.
Denial that you are afraid to look in the mirror and answer the question.
Is my W leaving because she can’t stand me or
She can’t stand herself.
Most likely WAS is the former or maybe it runs along a continuum.
SO if you think all the man up tactics you try….the “don’t put up with crap behavior” tactic is going to change anything…
You want your W to respect you? You are entitled to it? Why?
Look at the man you were in your M. Before she decided to disrespect you.
NOW you are going to try tactics to show her she should respect you.
NOW your respect is measured by demanding she respect you and how she reacts or doesn’t react to your demands?
You’re Bo Peeping.
If I do this…she will respect me. What if she doesn’t? Where are you?
Unless you have the courage to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself then you will be the victim of your W’s decision to leave you and her continued choice not to come back to you.
Until you respect yourself… she won’t respect you.
She thinks its Holloween and you got your “I am not a lazy, a$$hole, fill in the ______ husband” costume on.
Manning up ain’t got anything to do with HER. Your NUTS are not a function of her. You are not entitled to her respect unless you deserve it.
Don’t get me wrong I believe in boundaries I just think they are tools to help you gain your sanity and find your way.
In the end, you should not attach your self worth or respect to how someone respects your boundaries.
They will or they won’t and then you live with the consequences. Both of you.
MLC? Crisis?
Does it exist? I don’t care if anyone thinks it exists. I know that some people have emotional/spiritual/inner conflict crisis in their life.
Some people in crisis might have a mental disorder that IS recognized by mental health professionals. So call it what you want. It is a challenge in your M.
Is it an excuse for bad behavior?
No.
Is it a reason?
Yup.
Are some LBS in denial? Yes. Unfortunately, they are here on each of the boards on this forum.
MLC vs WAS ----> Answer the question for yourself. Is your S leaving because they can’t stand YOU or THEMSELVES? Or somewhere in between? Are they engaging in self destructive behavior? There is a difference.
What if Little Bo Peep was a real b!tch and didn’t feed or take care of her sheep? Would they come home? Even if she went to look for them and tried to put a fence around them. Would they stay under those conditions?
Is it (crisis) an excuse to be in denial… not to see it for what it is and not to look at oneself?
Absolutely not.
The first advice given in MLC is no different than anywhere else:
Live your life, look in the mirror and be honest with your own failures, you can’t control another person, only yourself. Detach. Protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally and live your life like they are not coming back.
In the end, your success is defined by your choices and how they align with your core. If your S wants to be with THAT person.
Then your M has a shot.
If not, then you can live your life without them and call yourself a success regardless of their choice.
I like this so much I'm gonna grab it and post it on my thread.
Thanks, True.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Very good post my friend....You have come a long way from the day OP and I pulled you out of newcomers...a long way;
Quote:
[/quote]In the end, your success is defined by your choices and how they align with your core.[quote]
That statement is the truth of human life. Whether it is in marriage, friendships, or business ventures. We are each unique and special individuals who need to be who we are. Who we are is addressed by our core principles and off of those principles we develop values that ensure we live by our principles. The irony of that is marriages cause change that lead us to hide our principles to maintain a happy relationship.
The truth though is.....we shouldn't have to hide our principles to be married. A marriage should be a celebration of those principles......or two sets of principles joined together equally to create a better world for both spouses.
In the end an LBS needs to do only one thing to succeed (and that is not defined by saving the marriage) and that is to listen to the advice of others, but to follow the core principles in our heart. Following that route, which we define, will always find the right road for us to follow.
