Oh Beatrice, thank you for voicing the punishment factor in your post. I have long thought that H was trying to punish me for trapping him with more children. Even though H definitely pursued me and was with me every step of the way during my pregnancies and sharing in the care of our children, even in our unplanned child.
Something seemed to change within him when my youngest SS left for the military right after graduating HS. H was 44. I told him at the time that I thought the reason he was acting different at the time was because he couldn't help thinking that if he hadn't met and married me and didn't have more children then he would have been done then. He did not deny that.
I didn't know at that time he was having an online EA. When I discovered it, it was already fizzling out. I do believe now that H fought going all in into the tunnel for years. His on and off depression was evident though for years after that. In the last two years before bomb his depression was evident almost full time. H was miserable and made it very well known to the rest of us that he was. We could do nothing to please him, though the kids and I really did try.
I had no idea what we were dealing with at the time. Discovering what MLC was and how it fit H to a T, really opened my eyes.
I do have compassion and empathy for what he is going through. If there were guarantees that he would eventually come out of it, I wouldn't push so hard to get what I need for the kids and I to live. Obviously, H is still deep within the tunnel and still running trying to find the happiness that continues to elude him. He is also still trying to punish me for that as evidenced by the cruel things he said when he found out I retained a L.
I do understand from the perspective he holds right now how he could view what I'm doing as vindictive. I know my words fall on deaf ears right now, but I do feel better that I tried to explain things from my POV.
Maybe someday it will make sense to him why I did what I did. If it doesn't, it is part of what I didn't break and could never fix in the first place that will keep him from understanding it.
I think a number of us now realise that our spouses were depressed for a considerable period before the bomb, and that we could do nothng right with them. As you say, we knew nothing about MLC, and never thought it would fetch up on our doorstep.
I think you have to accept if you don't take steps to protect yourself it could all become a disaster - I have heard of people who came out of MLC but with a mountain of debt - we are doing ourselves, and also them a favour by sorting it earlier rather than later. I wish I had not waited as long.
What I am saying is that even if he comes out of it what he spends in the intervening period may be all he can get hi hands on and then some. In general the OW is a financially motivated leech. [Not always] Ans in any case your h feels entitled to anything he wants.
