Scylla, You are a stronger person now than you were.
I have copied the random thoughts post and saved it. Some of what you posted applies to me and some to my W. Thank you for giving me something to grow on.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I spent so much time blaming myself, trying everything and anything to "save" this marriage, for what? I don't want what we had.
I am with you on this one. I am starting to feel the same way. The more I think about how I was treated in the M, I am starting to see why I acted the way I did. I could've changed myself then but why would I when I have made changes throughout M and the person I was looking at has never changed one thing. This is becoming a topic that I am visiting a lot lately and beginning to think I may be wasting my time thinking this will ever work out.
Just know that I am feeling your same pain.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
Lol. People keep telling me I'm strong. I think that's part of the problem. I am. Rven the strong topple when they're attacked by stealth, and in my view I was.
Yes I knew he was unhappy, did I know it had anything to do with me? Not an inkling. Was I unhappy, not really on the whole, just resigned to what was knowing that it should pass in time.
What my H. did took it out of me and laid me bloody on the field. I had to recover from that body blow.
I'm not stronger, but I am coming to know my own worth on a very different level than I used to.I understand more about myself and others than I ever really knew.
I was living life in a mostly unconcious manner, taking things as they came, REACTING unthinkingly, to other people, circumstances and events. That's changed some, I have a long way to go yet.
If my personal journey helps you, I'm grateful for the opportunity to share. Service to others counts.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I spent so much time blaming myself, trying everything and anything to "save" this marriage, for what? I don't want what we had.
I am with you on this one. I am starting to feel the same way. The more I think about how I was treated in the M, I am starting to see why I acted the way I did. I could've changed myself then but why would I when I have made changes throughout M and the person I was looking at has never changed one thing. This is becoming a topic that I am visiting a lot lately and beginning to think I may be wasting my time thinking this will ever work out.
Just know that I am feeling your same pain.
I don't want any misundertanding here. I love my H. deeply. He's a good person, he's kind, loveable, giving. He has a lot of sterling qualities I wish I had myself.
I don't want the M he left though.
Do I want him back. Yes, in a different way, better, open, compassionate, forgiving, sharing, honest, fearless way.
I want my kids' Dad back in our home with the skills he either is willing to gain, learn or already possesses to help them be productive and loving fathers and husbands that don't see running away and divorce as viable solution to conflict.
That's what I want. Will I get that. It's in God's hands. I am doing my part.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Zen I've been to the FB site. I know of Michelle's Youtube series, and I get her newsletter. I see the links under the RSS...are those the articles you refer to, or is there something more specific? I woudn't mind the chat feature but I'm loathe to sign up with my real identity
Scylla my friend.....have you "liked" the DB page? Alot of us "BITS" have "liked" the page and some of the articles. Our real indentities remain in tact and exclusive. What Chat feature are you referring to?
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Hi Zen, yes I've "liked" the page after reading what you wrote here. The chat feature is under "more" which is under the RSS icon.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I'm feeling discouraged today. When H. said " You know my position." I got the impression he's resolute in that, determined to divorce no matter what. Anything I have to say now or in the future is so much hot air to be ignored and discounted. I'm tired. Tired of everything. Tired of plodding along. Tired of seeing no change in my marital situation. Tired of our kids been shuttled around like packages. I have not contacted him today, not even to reject me. Seems sorta silly now, seeing as I've already got the ultimate in rejection in a big F you and a email statement of intent to divorce my butt.
Just shoot me now.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Glad you liked "liked" the DB page and articles. We BITS have found some of those articles to give us a diff perspective on things just when we need it the most. Sometimes the timing of those articles is uncanny.
I'm sorry you are having a rough time. YOU are the only one who can make the decision when to gie up D or no D. I've said from the moment I got on this board that you can move on with your life, but you don't have to give up. As YOU continue your own journey, you become stronger and present/represent yourself better each and every day. The WAS's are stuck in their little fantasy world.
I read an ebook from [edited by dbmod: advertising/book not recommended] who mentions MWD in his book often. But one of the things he says early on in his book is that people who want a D always act happy. Key word...act. The fog hasn't been lifted yet for them. This was posted on 2's thread by a vet and it brought up a very valid point to weigh. The old M that we have are dead, gone. And we want that because it wasn't working and if we just jump back in, it will only be more of the same. We'd all be back here and WE will be the ones stuck. What we want is a NEW M with our WAS's. Again D or no D. We haven't taken this journey for nothing. Perhaps in hindsight the greatest gift our WAS's gave us was to become better people without them. Their lack of faith and trust in us to make these changes permanent only fuels the fire for us to prove them wrong. At least for me it does. I cannot and will not go back to who I was before. I like who I am so much better now. I was a sad sack of sh!t before. I wouldn't have wanted to be around me either. Will I still fall into my old patterns once in a while? Absolutely. The diff is I now have knowledge and tools that will allow me to not have the same experience as I had before. I will be the greener grass.
It's not about saving your M anymore. Like I said, that M is dead. Continue to focus working on yourself because it is all about you now. And won't your H be surprised at your changes. That will be the biggest F you! You will have the control of how wide open you want that door to be.
Hang in there. Keep your positive statements coming. You can d it. In the words of FOBD, BITS never walk alone!
Last edited by dbmod; 03/09/1110:58 PM.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Glad you liked "liked" the DB page and articles. We BITS have found some of those articles to give us a diff perspective on things just when we need it the most. Sometimes the timing of those articles is uncanny.
I'm sorry you are having a rough time. YOU are the only one who can make the decision when to gie up D or no D. I've said from the moment I got on this board that you can move on with your life, but you don't have to give up. As YOU continue your own journey, you become stronger and present/represent yourself better each and every day. The WAS's are stuck in their little fantasy world.
Yeah yesterday was rough. I'll write about it on my journalling thread, but not right away. I need to talk to a lawyer first, and let some time go past. It's pretty sensitive and confusing right now.
I read an ebook from [edited by dbmod: advertising/book is not recommended] who mentions MWD in his book often. But one of the things he says early on in his book is that people who want a D always act happy. Key word...act. The fog hasn't been lifted yet for them. This was posted on 2's thread by a vet and it brought up a very valid point to weigh. The old M that we have are dead, gone. And we want that because it wasn't working and if we just jump back in, it will only be more of the same. We'd all be back here and WE will be the ones stuck. What we want is a NEW M with our WAS's. Again D or no D. We haven't taken this journey for nothing. Perhaps in hindsight the greatest gift our WAS's gave us was to become better people without them. Their lack of faith and trust in us to make these changes permanent only fuels the fire for us to prove them wrong. At least for me it does. I cannot and will not go back to who I was before. I like who I am so much better now. I was a sad sack of sh!t before. I wouldn't have wanted to be around me either. Will I still fall into my old patterns once in a while? Absolutely. The diff is I now have knowledge and tools that will allow me to not have the same experience as I had before. I will be the greener grass.
I agree with you in many places in this paragraph. I have done a lot of work on me, I like who I am becoming. So much of who I am was buried under dysfunctional behaviour, fear, and "supposed to", I couldn't be my authentic self. I'm digging out, slowly but steadily.
It's not about saving your M anymore. Like I said, that M is dead. Continue to focus working on yourself because it is all about you now. And won't your H be surprised at your changes. That will be the biggest F you! You will have the control of how wide open you want that door to be.
I think he got a little shock this weekend. Enough to bring him out of the fog for just a little while. We'll see. Things need to percolate. Lots of stressors coming down the pike if he wants to go the way he's going.
Hang in there. Keep your positive statements coming. You can d it. In the words of FOBD, BITS never walk alone!
I sincerely thank you for your words of encouragement Zen. I hope you can arrange that DB counselor session that Alamo offered to you. IMHO you wouldn't regret it.
Last edited by dbmod; 03/09/1110:57 PM.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
