Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

sparks i hear you

when you start to move on inside it is such a great feeling...and you still do have your ups and downs but the manic-ness (is that a word?) starts to subside

i'm glad for you
keep it up

Thanks, grr. Very true.

Although, I still need to learn how to balance my 180s with my detachment.

I really do appreciate your words of encouragement.

After having a great day with my baby boy yesterday, I dropped him off on my way to church. That is really difficult and might be a new topic for those that have split custody during a separation.

I did not initiate any contact via phone or text yesterday or so far today. Although, I haven't heard from her either. She is teaching today, so I wouldn't expect anything anyway. I will have to coordinate picking up my son tonight, so I will be forced to check in later today.

This goes back to the 180 and detachment balance. How do I do it? After putting my foot down about talking about the finances for our therapy session on Saturday, it seems as though we have both locked up.

I understand the need for boundaries. Splitting our accounts is one of these boundaries for me if she is living on her own. I will approach it in therapy. I imagine this will be the main topic of discussion along with her moving out on Saturday.

After finally making progress towards talking about our feelings, I hate that we have to waste a week of therapy going over the semantics of finances and her moving.

Anybody have any thoughts on how to balance the detachment and 180s?

I am finding this a difficult juggle right now.

I want to be cool, confident, and validate her feelings when I see her. I just don't want to over-give like I normally would due to detachment. I also want to detach from contacting her often, but I don't really want to go in the dark either yet. I have also mentioned that we have weekly couples therapy as well as a weekly R-free dinner out with the baby. Is this too much?

Hey that activity sounds great!. But will that help with detachment since this is an activity that you guys would have done during normal times?

Karma - I'll go ahead and attach my response to Figg when she asked about the dinners. Let me know what you think.

"The dinners were suggested by our couples therapist. They were originally intended as a place where we could talk about our R away from the house she did not feel safe in. Once the whole email hacking saga came out, our couples therapist said that all R talk should only occur in her office once a week. She suggested we could continue the dinners to have no R talk. We take our baby with us, but it is the one time a week that we just get to have stress free conversation. It is also the prime time where I show off my 180."

Yea i think that is good that your R talks are happening in front of a therapist. At-least that way both of can develop good communication techniques that could help.

Did you guys already start your 'no-R-talk-dinners' ?
Yea, i guess it can be a nice place for your wife to see the 'new you'.

You know but i think the elephant in the room is still her A. Did you guys come to any resolution on that?

That is a HUGE elephant. I have been advised on here to detach from it completely.

No resolution. Her therapist told her right after I presented my knowledge of the A that my wife break off contact. She said that she has, but my W has of course been FULL of lies in the last few months.

Last therapy session, she told me how she has never had an emotional connection with any other person in her life like the OW. She is working with her therapist now to discuss her sexual orientation. That is why I have been patient.

Do I believe that my W is still not in contact? It eats me up inside, but I think it would be impossible to think otherwise. Would getting her own apartment on Saturday make it easier? Yep.

But again, I cannot control her actions, only mine. That is very easy to write. It has been a daily struggle to do. It makes my stomach upset everyday just to think about it, so I have been doing my best not to think about it.

I just find the struggle thinking that it would be nearly impossible to make any progress in therapy during our separation if the A continues. In a normal circumstance, the A would usually fizzle. In this case, I am not so sure.

I had my therapy tonight and W was bringing over our S for me to take care of tonight. Due to the timing of each, I asked my W if she would stick around for S bedtime routine. I then mentioned with her moving to her apartment on Saturday, tonight might be a good night to get an idea of she is planning to take with her from our home. (I lived in this house for 2.5 years before we married, so nearly all of our furniture is staying.) I presented it to her as the two of communicating, so there won't be any surprises. She agreed.

I think we had a great time putting our S down. We discussed certain items that she would like. Right now, she said that she just needs some basics. It also looks like everything she is taking, we have more than one of anyway. We went room to room discussing certain items. We were both very friendly to each other (which is normal nearly everyday when we are around each other).

She said that our close mutual friend has decided to help her move which I am glad for. She didn't think it was fair to ask me to help her, and I told her that I agreed and was not going to if she asked. She said that if I wanted to take our S for the day and get away, then I could. My mother is actually coming in town to stay with my sister, so that will work out just fine.

She also offered to swap out some of the furniture stored in the garage with what she is taking after our couples therapy tomorrow. She mentioned it may help me a little coming home Saturday to the emptiness and sadness. I told her that I would think about it.

We talked for a bit before she left. I reiterated that I supported her need for space during this time of self discovery. I then told her that she has a home when she is ready to come back.

My W then walked into my arms and held on tight. I fought hard to stay strong and not get emotional. She told me that I could stop acting so stoic through this. I had been trying so hard to keep my head up and confidence beaming. W obviously noticed this. She held tighter and told me that it was okay to be emotional, because this is really hard. She is not ready for it either, but she has overstayed her welcome at her brother's and is just not ready to come home. I fought back as many tears as I could, but a few got through. She said that this is horrible and she cries every night when she goes to bed. We held each other for a bit before I let go and walked away to get my composer.

I then told her that sometimes it is the ones you love the most that you have to let go. I wanted to tell her that I just hoped she finds herself back in this family, but I kept it in.

She left shortly after. No tears on her part but obvious sadness. She has been pretty good about keeping the tears locked in. I guess that is part of it.

I am trying so hard to be strong through this, but the idea of her moving out of our home tears my down deep.

For those that have been through this, tell me I am proceeding through this step the best way I can. I am having a hard time tonight.

Sparks, right now your S story sounds almost exactly like mine, except I'm the one moving out (W had the house before she met me). W and I have been getting along and have been deciding which items to split. We also have two of most things.

I've also been stoic through this process, but last night after I picked up my keys it really hit me. I started the day on a high note (W and I snuggled for a while in the morning) and by the evening I was trying my best to hold back tears.

My W also plans on using this time to figure herself out. I truly hope both of our W's do.

You seem to be handling this as well as expected. Hang in there!