Oh, I've learned a lot in the past years, including the answers to these questions. I'll put it out here, though it ain't easy to write down. Remember, you asked!
Why was I weak and whiny?
As a young boy I was small and sensitive, and I sought to please people. Perhaps it was a personality, maybe something more. But I was bullied constantly - virtually every single day from about the age of 7 to, I don't know, maybe 14. I was taught that I wasn't good enough and that other people could take what they wanted from me. My first serious girlfriend told me on our prom night that she was sleeping with my best friend. I married my next serious GF (that'd be my W). Not much experience with relationships in between. Now don't get me wrong - and forgive me if this sounds like I'm bragging but I need to prove I'm not a total loss here - I was pretty popular when my day came and I'm actually very successful at my job, and a good dad. But my W grew up in a highly chaotic home and is much more used to conflict than I. Although I learned to handle myself and am not afraid of anyone physcially and my job can be dangerous (which I like) I literally shut down when confronted by W. I always give in. Often I even end up apologizing, for what? I don't know - breathing maybe. So, look I'm being honest here. I have struggled my whole life to overcome the feelings of low self worth brough on by years of bullying. God, I wish someone would have been there to help me, as a little kid trying to stand up to groups of much older kids.
When I meet my wife I was in college and doing really, really well. Getting out of my hometown was wonderful!! I was on top of everything - classes, martial arts training, SCUBA diving, travel - and had tons of friends and I was fun. And ok, why hold back now - W was my "first", adn that I think gives her some power, even to this day. The stress of life has worn me down, to reveal the other stuff. I never said NO, even to things I thought I couldn't handle, for fear of rejection. And when W told me she had no respect for me - I never recovered from that. It is, I think, the single worse thing any W could say to her H. But, hey, it was true wasn't it? She didn't respect me because I didn't respect myself.
What do I want - I want my self-worth back! I want to be the man I was. I want out from under this cloud of depression. If I managed that the M would take care of itself. or it wouldn't. As much as I love my wife and my family, I'm no good to them like this.
What can I do right now? I don't know.
TGer, I hope this wasn't too much to lay on you. I appreciate you asking. Heck, your post might be the best, most helpful I've read....Thanks.
Hello Still Learning
Your honesty is refreshing. You want to save your marriage? You need to save yourself.
Your Wife doesn't respect you because right now you can not respect yourself. The giving in and shutting down strikes a cord with me, because I too felt at one time the way you are feeling right now. You want your self worth back? Google - No More Mr. Nice Guy & Hold on to Your N.U.T.s
Time to take your problem head on. Awareness and willingness to look within is half the battle. The second half involves action. You have self worth, you just need to find it again and keep it.
Self respect, confidence, and strength is attractive to women. Time to get it back.
Still learning, I'm sorry. I had my brains on scramble this morning. The book is "This Is Your Brain On Joy" by Dr. EARL Henslin.
I want an edit button!
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
As a young boy I was small and sensitive, and I sought to please people. Perhaps it was a personality, maybe something more. But I was bullied constantly - virtually every single day from about the age of 7 to, I don't know, maybe 14. I was taught that I wasn't good enough and that other people could take what they wanted from me. My first serious girlfriend told me on our prom night that she was sleeping with my best friend. I married my next serious GF (that'd be my W). Not much experience with relationships in between. Now don't get me wrong - and forgive me if this sounds like I'm bragging but I need to prove I'm not a total loss here - I was pretty popular when my day came and I'm actually very successful at my job, and a good dad. But my W grew up in a highly chaotic home and is much more used to conflict than I. Although I learned to handle myself and am not afraid of anyone physcially and my job can be dangerous (which I like) I literally shut down when confronted by W. I always give in. Often I even end up apologizing, for what? I don't know - breathing maybe. So, look I'm being honest here. I have struggled my whole life to overcome the feelings of low self worth brough on by years of bullying. God, I wish someone would have been there to help me, as a little kid trying to stand up to groups of much older kids.
Wow, apart from some differences, my behavior seems similar. My childhood was lil screwed up because my parents fought constantly. Had no skills in resolving conflicts. So i used to shut down when i had arguments with my wife. My coping mechanism was to simply agree with her. I also had this constant need to be re-assured and my whole world revolved around her and i always felt necessary to be nice to her and keep her happy. All very bad things for my own self esteem. I recently came across this book called "anxious to please" that helped me in understand my behavior a lot. Dunno if it applies to you. As TrueGritter says, its in YOU to help YOU.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I had a good day yesterday - not b/c my situation has changed but b/c I know what I need to do. Thanks to everyone who is here offering good advice - surprising how many of us men are in this situation, and how many women this affects too.
Little steps:
I did not mention ANYTHING about boss' email, and for some reason am not the least bit tempted to check Ws texts. I sort of accept she's in an EA at least - using the time to get myself back together. Walked dog with W and it was quiet - I didn't ask about her day or try to get any information - just enjoyed the sun, even though she is distant. [edited by dbmod: advertising/not recommended]Resisted temptation to get friends opinion on this - when/if this all passes I want these people to be friends with W too.
Trying to prepare for next for weeks - expecting LYBNILWY talk soon.
TRYING TO FIGURE out a 180 something that gets Ws attention - something surprising. Not sure what that is. I might actually encourage her to go on an optional upcoming work trip - that would blow her mind. But not sure I'm quite THAT strong yet.
Finished the NUTS book. Good, true, helpful. The chapter on (not) arguing reminded me of this quote: "your spouse always gets the last word in any argument. Anything you say afterwards is the start of a new argument.". Trying make jokes to lighten the mood here - it's pretty chilly between us. W is totally checked out. This is getting real.
I made french onion soup tonight - I like it and figured we didn't have to worry about onion breath ruining a romantic evening.
First, thanks for your posts and advice. The advice was spot on! I've been away a little while, working things out and reading all those books you suggested. Thankfully, many are e-books. The days are up and down, but at least I think I am pointed in the right direction, working on myself, and seeing a little progress.
I learned something about having "conversations" with my W. Since I always get this sinking, deflated feeling and start to shut down when we talk I tried another strategy lately. It's similar to the tip in the NUTS book you all suggested. When I need to express an opinion I preface it by saying how I feel in about a minute, then end the conversation. So I don't try to justify why I feel a certain way. No one gets upset. It's not a OR talk - often it has little to do with OR. I keep it light and to the point. Smile and find something that needs to be done. It's been GREAT - a big help! I don't leave every conversation apologizing for how I felt.
I would outright say it to her. I would say "listen honey, this has nothing to do with me not having enough self-esteem or knowing that you love me, it has to do with the fact that I WOULD never send messages to a married woman in that way, so this is not about you, this is about HIM. If he is not professional enough to understand that his position as a board member in the company REQUIRES him to respect his workforce, including me, as a matter of fact, then he needs to learn that so that it doesn't come back and bite him in the butt in the near future".
After that, take her to her favorite restaurant, grab your phone, take a picture of the plate, and send it to HER phone saying "being with you is a heck of a lot better than inappropriately "thinking" of you".
Still, your W is doing the same thing to you that those older boys did when you were a kid. She is a bully. That is why you shut down with her. That's why you won't say "no" to her and will do whatever she says. Bet you get that same sick feeling that you had as a kid.
She has to have you stand up and tell her "no"! She needs that! She desperately needs to respect you, b/c otherwise there is no way she can have those "in-love" feelings for you. Respect is the lifeline for a woman's love.
She needs to see her H doing what he said he'd do, or what he wants to do, or what he knows is the best to do...in spite of what she demands. Oh, she may throw a heck of ait, but she still needs to see her H being the man she M.
She has treated you badly. She went back on her word. She tested you to man-up and stop her, but you didn't. You thought letting her have her way was showing love for her....but it isn't. Now, she's showing (or about to show) the ultimate disrespect by having an A.
Considering the background, you will have to prove to her, more than once, that she cannot treat you like a doormat.
Have you considered why the boss's W has suddenly started working PT? I'm sure this is not the first time he's chased after skirts. She may have had a little talk with your W.
You will have a lot facing you, but you have what it takes for a woman to know she doesn't want to lose you. Also, your son needs to see how a man needs to deal with a rebellious wife. He needs a role model in order to know what a good MR looks like and how a man gets it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
