Denver This has been heavy on my mind bc of how an A is affecting my own sitch. I would love to pick your W brain, as I'm sure you would, what was the turning point for her. At what point did the OM begin to fade and the new Denver became the more attractive option. Was it something you did, your patience, your kind heart, your persistance....what was it? He must have fell short of the new Denver or you wouldn't be were you are today my friend. The female mind baffles me.
Denver This has been heavy on my mind bc of how an A is affecting my own sitch. I would love to pick your W brain, as I'm sure you would, what was the turning point for her. At what point did the OM begin to fade and the new Denver became the more attractive option. Was it something you did, your patience, your kind heart, your persistance....what was it? He must have fell short of the new Denver or you wouldn't be were you are today my friend. The female mind baffles me.
Actually, I would like you to post some details on that also. I think it would be helpful.
Take care, buddy!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
One word of caution and not to put a negative slant. If there was an OM or Ow. They have to get them out to their system as well. When My W came back in July , she kept telling me to go slow with her and not to push her. And I did, and kept going slow at a snails pace in fact. The fact was, she was still having affair , unbeknonst to be me.
My point is , yes, we need to take it slow when recon occurs but also be on the look out for sincerity. My W was stalling when she came back and there was no progress. I think we have to be sure they are coming back for the right reasons, that they want to work on the marriage and not because they are insecure about the future or just need us for security.
I read somewhere else that when you reconcile, don't count of the fact that your spouse will have changed. You are getting your old spouse back, and they may even be worse for wear at that time, damaged and worn out by the crisis they have been through.
On the other hand, us LBS have gone through the darkest time in our life but we would not be here, waiting, not giving up hope had we not found ourselves. All of us agree we get out of this sitch a much BETTER person.
We have to be patient and wait for our H or W to come back, and we still have a lot of work to do. We have to lead them out of the darkness they are in as well, carefully, so as not to lose them. The fact that they are back, or have signified wanting to work on the M, is just a beginning. They have a long way to go, and we are ahead of them, thus it is upon us to still be the lighthouse.
The advice that everyone gives here is that the best way, maybe the only way, to do this is by example. Taking things slowly, using your best judgement, not being demanding .... maybe those are good things to start with.
I think that this is EXACTLY right Angel... and it is what I am finding with my situation.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver This has been heavy on my mind bc of how an A is affecting my own sitch. I would love to pick your W brain, as I'm sure you would, what was the turning point for her. At what point did the OM begin to fade and the new Denver became the more attractive option. Was it something you did, your patience, your kind heart, your persistance....what was it? He must have fell short of the new Denver or you wouldn't be were you are today my friend. The female mind baffles me.
Pick away IW...
Unfortunately, I can't pinpoint the turning point. I had a gut feeling that it was happening in the middle of January. And that does coincide with the answer that my W gave me. A couple of weeks ago, when she told me that she had realized that she still loved me, I asked her when that realization struck her. Her answer coincided with the same time that I had that gut feeling.
What caused the turning point?
Patience on my part for sure. My W wanted to move forward with D right away after she moved out at the end of November. She said as much at the very beginning of December and again at the very beginning of January. Both times I told her that I didn't want D and that I wouldn't assist her with it (I did tell her that I would cooperate though)... My strategy was to buy our M as much time as I could. I went dark for much of December... maintained contact with my SS... And let my W initiate all contact bw us. When we did talk, I didn't bring up R, M, D, or OM. And I kept convos short and to the point. Eventually, she began to become more friendly...
Persistence... I wouldn't say that was something that I did bc of what I just explained. I didn't pursue at all. I let her have time and space... that seemed to draw her closer to me over time.
Kind heart? Probably. I was always polite to her when we did have contact. At xmas, I did the same as far as gift giving goes with SS (not W) and bought some presents for him from 'santa' knowing that my W couldn't afford much. I gave xmas cards to her family members telling them how much they meant to me. After xmas, I stayed in contact with SS and began to invite him to do fun things with me in January. I texted him or called him almost every night to tell him good night and that I loved him.
BUT, the biggest thing that I did... GAL and 180s... I did fun things with my friends and posted pics on FB so my W would see them... she commented a couple of times to me about those things... I could tell that it bothered her that I was out having fun. My W is somewhat jealous and I knew that the thought of me out where I could be meeting women would bother her. But I NEVER did anything like that or suggested that I had on FB or to W. It was very subtle what I did with FB. I think that this is important to say.
180s... I bought new and stylish clothes... seriously. Sounds goofy, but I did. I made sure that I was always dressed nicely just in case I had contact with my w. And this paid off a couple of days before xmas. I was dropping my SS's presents off at her mom's and she was there. We talked for a little while. She commented on my new clothes... she teasingly said "new gf dressing you now?" but I knew that it was on her mind.
The biggest 180 though... I acted very, very happy every time that I spoke with her or saw her. This was big for me, bc one of my problems before she left was that I was depressed. It is not fun being around someone who is always depressed... I reversed this completely. W told me the other night that she sees my changes, but the biggest change that she sees is the 'energy' that I project now.
Lastly, I think that the A did what most affairs do... it lost its luster. Most WAS's think that their lives are going to be full of dancing fairies and rose peddles as soon as their S is out of the picture. When there is an A, that feeling is increased 10 fold. After a while, the WAS realizes that their life isn't as grand as they thought that it would be, that the OP isn't as great as they originally thought. They begin to miss the positive things that they had with the LBS... this happens when the anger wears off.. which can only happen if the LBS gives them space IMO.
I read on here that A's are a process... and unfortunately, part of that process is to actually push or let the S be closer to the OP. This has the effect of making the A less appealing bc it is no longer exciting... it is more of a R... and we all know that with every R, there are annoying things that we find out about the person that we are with. So if you let two people having an A with one another have that R ... one or the other will most likely realize that the other isn't all that he/she was cracked up to be.
Bottom line... PATIENCE AND TIME
Question is... can you stomach it?
Only you can decide.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
