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Thank you Busting. I needed to read what you had to write.
It was a little shake awake I needed. It made me realise that I am feeling rejected/abandoned again and less worthy than I am.

Being abandoned is something you don't really get over easily. especially if it's happened more than once in your life, and especially if it happened to you as child. That's a wounding that heals slowly. Clearly I'm not completely healed there yet.

In reading what you wrote, I became aware again, that this whole siutation isn't really about me. It's about H and his own wounding. He rejects me because of the lies, and ideas he carries about me, my behaviour and the certain belief that I can't/won't change.

Thank you, that was gentlest swat with a 2X4 I ever recieved. No splinters!

Random and not so random thoughts...

I'm coming to some decisions.

I will not accept antyhing less than I deserve: affection, sex, or companionship wise again.

I did not deserve the level of neglect I have endured in my M. That's over. If you prefer your computer games over me - a breathing, thinking, feeling, loving and loveable woman. just go.

If a man can't speak or share his thoughts and feelings with me, I don't want him. Rambo may have been a h3ll of a warrior, but the strong silent type hurts relationships. If you are so hardened you can't feel much pain and sorrow, you can't feel pleasure and happiness much either.

If you're not honest, are secretive, not forthcoming and lie by omission. Forget it.

I am trusting, but I'm not a fool.

I am not impressed by a big wallet, a fast car, and a better than you attitude.

If you are not in good control of your finances, you are not in control of your life.

Gilligan was cute, and he tried so hard to please, but I will not play the Skipper to your Gilligan. You cannot be my "little buddy", Gilligan needed to grow the h3ll up.

Hey again, SC. I didn't know your husband was so immersed in video gaming. I'm sorry it's been hard for you too.

I quoted what you wrote, because I'd like to know if you were referring to yourself or your husband?

My H. is a combination. A Silent Knight (Rambo type) , and to others ( and sometimes me) Gilligan.

"So hardened you can't feel much pain and sorrow" jumps out at me because of the message of hope it carries in my situation, IMHO. Outwardly it's easy to say that my wife is so hardened towards me, our relationship or what we're going through, but now that I read what you wrote, it may not be so clear cut, because my wife IS in pain and sorrow, not in public, but enough for her to cry in front of me infrequently and enough for her therapist to say she has depression.

I am sure my H. is in pain. Can he reveal it? Not to me.
He's steely eyed, unemotional and gives away nothing. His pupils do not even dialate when he sees me, and I am always dressed attractively.

My H. cannot speak the language of feelings. All he can express is extreme frustration and anger at his inability to identify what he feels. This is part of why Retrouvaille failed for us. Even though he had word lists of feelings and the words were categorized and faces of emotion were depicted.

The other part is he felt coerced by me to do it, because of his inability to say no/disagree.

I do not know if this helps you any. I hope it can at least help others.

Beautiful. Confident and attractive. Sounds like you're in a better place, Scylla. Happy to hear it.

Hey Scylla:

Just wanted to check in. Sorry I've been off the boards but have been busy really working GAL'g.

I know that you may not be a huge fan of FB at the moment. BUT, again I just wanted to throw it out there to go to the DB page on FB. They have some great articles you would "like". It's been a huge help to me in staying on course. I hope you will consider it.

Sending HUGS. Don't lose your momentum.....You are doing very good for YOU.

Zen I've been to the FB site. I know of Michelle's Youtube series, and I get her newsletter. I see the links under the RSS...are those the articles you refer to, or is there something more specific?
I woudn't mind the chat feature but I'm loathe to sign up with my real identity

After writing what I did about Random and not so Random thoughts,
having a sleepless night, and reading and responding to AntoniaB's post today, I think I'm coming to detach and not care about my M or my R with my H anymore.

I spent so much time blaming myself, trying everything and anything to "save" this marriage, for what?
I don't want what we had. I don't want to be the responsible one, the reliable one, the fixer, the doer, the organiser, the controller, the answer lady, or the Skipper of the SS Marriage.

I am captain of my own ship, my own soul that's enough.

I have no interest in a relationship that places the lion's share of the burden for emotionally maintaining it on me.

Financial independence may be difficult and will take some time but I will do it. I don't want to rely on H for a damned thing anymore. He's starting to resent me for that too.