Hi, Thanks for the input Water! I will try to go slowly...
Ok, I'm a mass of emo's right now. Some great, some not so good. I am SOOOOOOOOOO being tested-by h or God or both, whoever, but this is definitely a trial.
So, a few weeks ago I told h that his bday stuff was post-poned to vday night since he was sick. He said, "oh, good, the pressure is off of me." I said, "pressure? what pressure?" Neither one of us said anymore. So Friday h brought me home flowers. Nice. But, 3 are already turning brown. I love yellow roses and this guy comes around to h's shop selling flowers and knows this...
vday. h goes to work, comes home, relaxes. He asks when we are leaving. I'm not in a big hurry. I say that the room is 15 min. from where din. is and that we can go there first or go after din. He said he was getting together w/friend sun. I asked when he wanted to be home. he says 11. i frown. the place is an hour away. I told him that i didn't want to be in a hurry to come home and thought we could go out to bfast. H says he didn't know we were spending the night and it's ok, not a big deal, he can tell friend. I give h a card and a couple little gifts. He gives me nothing; doesn't say anything. (I usually get at least a card and little gift.)
We get ready. I tell him it's casual, that I am wearing jeans and a blouse. H gets dressed. He doesn't shave, looks fine, not dressed up. He says let's go to room first. Get there, whole ordeal was a fiasco, get money back, go to din. While there, his phone rings. He said, it's prob. M. I said something to him about going out this weekend not (thinking/realizing) it was vday. I cry a little on the way to din. H touches my leg like he cares (as far as he knows, i am only crying about the room.) I buck up, keep telling myself that this is where he is, I need to accept it, and this is where God has him right now, and I need to trust that...We sit down, I go to potty and want to bawl, quit crying. Back at table, h rubs noses with me and says "ILY!" I say it back, am trying as hard as f'in heck to act happy. H asks me what I want to do after. I say, go home and be "romantical" (my made up word) somehow.
We go home, go to bed, h starts . Yay! I have a kind of shirt on that h likes, and really low jeans. So low, I couldn't wear undies. H thought that was extremely sexy and said so. He told me I was incredibly hot. During, he says I feel great & look fantastic. We are getting somewhere! Pass out...
Sunday morn, I init. and it's all good. I ask him to do a little something, he does, I'm lovin' it, wanting him badly. yippee again!!! I say ML has been great! He says yes, it sure has. Somewhere over the last couple days H said, "isn't it nice to get along?" yes, I say, still wanting to pummel him. We go to bfast, I'm am quiet, but try to keep smiling and be pleasant. We joke around a little, I get sarcastic, but it comes off as kidding. phew!
OK, I'm trying not to have expectations, etc...I bit my tongue several times. I wanted to ask why he didn't wear cologne, why he didn't get me a valentine card, why he dresses up when he goes out with his friends, why he didn't do something for me or say, "i know this is my bday stuff, but i want to take you out...", when are you going to put some effort into this f'in r? It's just not like him to not buy a card. ???
Testing, testing...
I am so tired of feeling like I have to "prove" myself worthy of him and like he is doing me a favor by "staying" with me. I feel like saying, "don't do me any favors!!" He says that he wants to give me what I want, so why doesn't he???
This morn. he asks what I am doing today. I say I'm going to go buy myself a vday present. He said vday was yesterday and why? I say b/c I didn't get myself anything. (I really don't usually, but now I want to b/c as they say, I don't need to depend on him. If I want a present, I can buy it myself).
Ok, there is more good...H asked what was going on this week, and said that since it is going to be warmer this week, that we could walk on Thursday. Good. He asks if I have thought about where I want to stay in Vegas. No, any ideas? we chit chat...
H has all this money for truck stuff, and I asked for cell phone money and groc. money, but he did not give it to me. I asked if he wanted more money for the dig. camera. we decide $25 and he says to take it out of what he "owes" me.
I can't f'in deal with this. I feel like crap. Am I just being selfish? I know, it's supposed to be all about him and his feelings right now...but I have feelings too. I know it is best just to wait. I know if I were to bring up this stuff, he would close off again and never want to do/give me anything... I'm just having a hard time pretending right now and "acting as if." I'm afraid I will blow.
I need to do all the stuff that db'ers have been telling me-do my own thing, have fun w/o him, go out and get dressed up w/o him...I am ready. I am so f'in ready. I am reading my local sports magazine and am going to join club(s), go to events, I must find some girls to go out-out with, etc, etc...
And, we are still planning to go to Dayton Tuesday and eat at the Cheesecake Factory in Columbus.
Hi, Well, noone has killed me, so I am still alive. I am feeling much better this morn. (Not a raving biatch in my head). Came home yesterday and started to do our taxes. OC, H pulled up a chair and we did it together. We are missing a couple documents, so we must search and/or request new ones. Return is looking pretty good. Mine is mostly going towards bills and maybe a little something for myself, and I owe my mom a Christmas present.
I went to church. I didn't ask h if he wanted to come. In the past, he has said that he would go with me (on occasion or sometimes or something like that), but I haven't pushed the issue. I'm doing that - trying not to ask him for anything thing.
Church was good. Love the music. Pastor asked for volunteers to take $100 and think/pray about it, and decide on a needy cause to give it to. God told me to do it. H made fun of me, but I didn't care. He said god didn't tell you to, the pastor did. I said teasingly, laugh if you want, but no, the pastor asked for volunteers and god told me to volunteer. I made din., h played on puter, ate din., my uncle stopped over b/c he borrowed my truk, hung out-i drug out some vegas brochures from the mid 90's (from my travel library-haha) and we looked at them, went to bed.
We read, snuggled some. I thanked h for a great weekend and thanked him for the flowers. I simply removed the 2 brown ones.
He went to work, we don't have definite plans for tonight-he is leaving it up to me as we have been getting together w/my mom and uncle on mondays, but i will prob. just cook since we are spending big $ tomorrow.
At church I prayed some more about the $ thing with h. Funny thing, the sermon was about $. The only thing I can think to do, is to just take control of my OWN $ sit. so I have more to save/spend on whatever. I need to do something about my dog fence. Want some stuff for truk, but that can wait. Etc.
. Yay! I have a kind of shirt on that h likes, and really low jeans. So low, I couldn't wear undies. H thought that was extremely sexy and said so. He told me I was incredibly hot. During, he says I feel great & look fantastic. 
We are getting somewhere! Pass out...