Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Shine on you crazy diamond II

FOBD,

IF you choose to test the waters, it has to be with the new and improved FOBD.

When you feel this urge, it is best to wait 48 hours to test yourself. Be sure it's what you want to do and you have a plan to handle the scenario. That plan should include something that will bring you closer to your goal. Not agressive, but not just everyday details.

What is your small goal? In other words, what would be a positive sign from her that you are moving in the right direction? What would she say, what would she do?

FOBD I get the same response from my friends. Until they have walked in your shoes they don't know what you are doing. This journey my friend is not one many people take. Some people never even realize it exist. I give you credit 1st for recognizing the path you must take and secondly for accepting the pain that it comes with.



How? With that dude from Canada?

I think maybe assumptions are killing you slowly and you must kill it before it consumes you.



"By persisting in your path, though you forfeit the little, you gain the great."

DBmod, thanks for the advice. Yes, she will see the new me. I now realize and accept that she had to leave because of my actions. Going forward, I will treat her with respect and honor because I realize much of this was my fault.

On a side note, I chickened out tonight. I held the phone for 10 minutes, but couldn't dial the numbers. I will try again tomorrow. I am too afraid of what I will find when I call. Dang it!!!

FOBD

FOBD
I want you to face this fear. I have done the same with the phone in the past, but what you are currently doing isn't working. When my W came over to talk about our M, one of the reasons she said we might as well file was bc we had literally no contact for such long periods of time. She said "what are we going to do, just keep living like this." She wanted me to initiate change and I slowly have. A big problem in my M was that I rarely called her when I was away, she almost always had to call me and I rarely was around my phone to answer. She now felt she was just getting more of the same. It' not easy, but I know I have to initiate contact, not be annoying and do it all th time, but just let her know she matters. I do always prepare myself for the convo. Make a mental list of things to keep the convo rolling. As time is passing, I need to do that less and less bc our convo's just roll on naturally. So I say to you what I had to tell myself...."Time to man-up and git er done"

Iwl,
Can you send me some details on how long you would go without contact. This is the exact thing I was worried about. We had the same issue. When I would travel for business or she would travel for business, she would get upset that I would not initiate more contact. It was a real issue in our M. She complained about it incessantly. She was always accusing me of not caring about the M because I would never call or spend time on the phone with her.

So, here I am "going dark" and now it has been 15 days since any contact at all. She is mad about the S because she felt like it was her only option. Therefore, she is not going to make contact. She feels like she already did enough for the M. But, I have everyone telling me to "stay dark." I just don't think that is going to work for me. I did that for two months last year. When it was over, she thanked me for giving her some space and told me that we could communicate going forward. But, I think I might have let this "going dark" thing go to far. I just don't know any more. I am so confused. I read one book that said even in the "going dark" phase, you should still initiate some small contact at least once every 7 days or so to make sure they realize you are still around and still care. I am quite certain by now, she is sitting around saying, "I knew it, the same old him. Not calling, not caring."

This is the longest her and I have ever gone without any contact in the 15 years we have known each other. I am starting to really worry...

FOBD

Well since we had a child we had to at least text every few days about issues. but I went the nearly the whole month of january and into February without seeing her. The time I did see her was to have our little chat. Not many phone calls and maybe a couple initiated by me. I was trying to "go dark" and at first I did notice changes but at some point you have to pick up your end of the communication line. When she came that night she told me that she was gonna file by the end of the month. Since I've opened up a little more, without being annoying, I haven't heard another word about it. Not to say she doesn't still have that on her mind, but maybe it doesn't seem like her only option anymore. I keep convo lite, make a few jokes, listen to her every word, and relate to what she is talking about. I plan to call her tonite bc she took our D2 to the circus yesterday and I want to hear all about it. You can do this man!

I have tried the going dark approach to some extent as well. What I have seen is that over the past month since doing this is my wife pulling back as well. I stopped calling her at work and for about a week she continued to call me. She has since stopped calling me as well. I have seen a number of posts related to going dim. I think this maybe a more reasonable approach particularily in situations like yours and mine where in the past we did not reach out to our wifes.

FOBD:

Going dark is a strategy. Some strategies need to be adjusted when they are not working.

You must do what works.

Agreed... but you need to make sure that you have given the strategy enough time to truly assess it's success or failure.

BITS
Denver

Denver:

Would you say 13 days of 0 contact is a strategy that is working? I am not so sure. If the norm for FOBD was to go cold when W was around and get distant this is only an extension of that.

I am not saying call and invite her on a date, but maybe some contact would not hurt.

FOBD,

Please get more advice on this. I am only one person.