Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Shine on you crazy diamond II

Just a word of encouragement on this issue.

My W is the same way. She flat out told me a few nights ago that giving our M another chance is 'embarrassing' for her bc she will have to face her friends.

The encouraging part... she is now at a point that she SEEMS willing to do that.

So yes, this is a big hurdle to overcome, but it CAN be.

BITS
Denver

I believe my W feels like admitting to come back would indicate a sign of surrender or weakness on her part. Of course if she does not than she can live with that decision. I will not live with it because I am here!



This is why BECOMING the change you want to see is so important. And why YOU can only control YOU

I think that you guys are right, they would see it as weakness ; especially when they say things like they are not afraid anymore and that they will make it on their own one way or another.

But then you have to figure that pride like that when it is pitted against the rest of your life is NUTS. Thats not to say that they will continue with this pride for a while but ultimately it has to subside with common sense. AT least , you would hope it would. Especially when kids are involved as well.

As for the Wedding FOBD, My heart goes out to you. There is no sugar coating that, it will be a tough night. But recently I had to spend a night in the hospital with my w for our son,

Heres how I got through. One minute at a time. It was a long night but I knew that the night had the exact same minutes as the night before and that they would eventually pass. And they did... but I m not going to lie. It seemed like a double night.

Good Luck

9
BITS

BITS, there was a request for me to put a link to my previous post where I interviewed a buddy of mine who was a WAS for two years. The post is at the bottom of the section that you will get to using this link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2124073&page=5

I am so glad this is helping others as much as it helped me!!

FOBD

Ill, Country, Downand, Lost, Denver, 2step and Nine, thanks!

I can't tell you how much I look forward to coming here each night.

Yes, pride is going to play a huge role in this thing and that will be my fault. I always made her feel like she had to depend on me. Now, she wants to be independent. Independent of her parents and independent of old FOBD. Not much I can do about that. But, I would appreciate it if she would quit trying to "sell the salesman" with her B/S about others not playing a role in this thing. My W made this new band of friends about 1 1/2 years ago. Funny, shortly after that was the first time she talked about not being happy and wanting to leave. I just don't buy that this was all coincidence...

Well, not much to report. Day 10 and no contact. She screwed up some paperwork for our health insurance last week while I was away. I got home to an answering machine full of messages from the insurance company. I called on Sunday to discuss. She sent me to voicemail after three rings. I left a message. I emailed. Nothing. I guess two can play at "going dark."

Tonight, I sit here in my half-furnished living room alone. I have taken every picture of her down throughout the house with the exception of one. Next to my TV in my den, I have one sitting there of her and I on our wedding day. She was so beautiful and I was so lucky. If I could only tell that guy what an idiot he was going to become. I don't have the heart to take that one down. I keep putting it in a drawer and taking it back out.

I guess this is where the rubber will meet the road. This is where the "going dark" will either wake her up or put a nail in our coffin. We will see. If she doesn't want to talk to me, I can accept that. But, she doesn't have to be an ass about it. Man, she just lives to punish me. Well, I will just take my whoppin' like a man and continue to wait.

All I can do is get up and get through each day. One of two things will happen. My marriage will end and I will find another or she will come home. Each day I live gets me closer to one of those two conclusions. Either way, I win, right?

Sleep tight, BITS. Tomorrow is another day of living life to the fullest while avoiding the 600lb gorilla that sits in my living room...

BITS never walk alone!!!

FOBD

That was fantastic, thanks for posting that link FOBD!

Just so much hit home, the scary part is... 2 years!!!

Very interesting nonetheless.


"She was constantly picking on me about the way that I did everything. I was tired of being "minimized" in my own home in front of my son. So, when I got out there, I just did whatever I felt like doing. (Team, this is the same thing my W complained about as she walked out. This is something I should have addressed years ago.)"


God, this sounds exactly like my W and I, almost exactly the stuff she told me when she first left. I feel so bad I made her feel that way...

Maybe in getting here but not in going forward. You have put your pride aside. Let her live with the decision of not putting hers.


Is it vital that you speak to her? If not, then make the correction and move on FOBD.


We all wish the same thing FOBD, but you know what………….two contribute to the fall not one. Start by forgiving yourself.



No she doesn’t. She lives to live. She is detached. Time for you to do the same. Live for you.



Yes you are. Only two logical conclusions. Live and stop waiting.

FOBD,

Im with you...still now word from H. I havent seen him in a month now either. Looks like H is going dark now too.

I know things look bad now...I know its hard not to focus on them too...

But, ya gotta find something that you like to do and start doing it. Maybe an old hobby or interest? Think about something you always wanted to do???

We gotta find you ways to stay busy but, that wont let you think to much about the mess we call our M's.

Any ideas?

Im praying for you today FOBD! You can get through this season of your life.

BITS

Dixie

FOBD,

Big, big hugs, sweetie!!!!

You've got to start rearranging that house so it doesn't look so empty. It being empty serves as a nasty reminder every day and you've got to do something different.

You are completely right about the possible outcomes. And even though, I'm not sure you really believe it, it is going to be ok. But, like Dixie said, we've got to keep moving forward and find things that make us happy while we are waiting. You don't want to be the man you were before and you have made HUGE changes in yourself that you need to be so proud of. But you can't get stuck here, you've got to keep moving. That's how you show your W that your changes are going to stick and that you will continue to be a better man.

You've got this wedding come up. I really want to see you get your head right and be more upbeat. You don't have to be upbeat about the situation. BUT you really should be happy about who you are and what you've learned through this process!!!! That is what I want to see shine through at that wedding.

I'm praying for you!!!

LIS

BITS, I love you all. Tonight, I went out with some other couples and some friends. They were all trying to hook me up with singles in the crowd. They made fun of me when I refused to go with women that were clearly on the prowl. Many of then were very cute and sexually attractive to me, but I still love my wife. Tonight, David Faustino (Bud Bundy) and I were drinking together. That dude can attract some female attention, to say the least. I was there to take his "leftovers" so to speak. I couldn't do it. I still love my wife...

Many people walked up to me and said, "Dude, she has moved one. Don't you realize that she has f*cked somebody else by now. Get over it. All these women are throwing themselves at you, take it. You are a dumbass if you don't."

But, I could not. I still love my W. Damn it. I know she has probably strayed, but I won't do the same. I am a loser for hanging on to the vows. I vowed to love her till death do us part. I will stand by that.

Team, I am fading. Not much left to FOBD. God, I love her so much, but today is day 11 with no contact. I am fading fast and I am ashamed. In the past three weekends, I have been offered the opportunity to stray and I have passed. I will continue to do so, but for how long. I dont want to touch another woman, but I am so scared that she has already done so...

Please help a brother out!!!

BITS never walk alone!!!

FOBD