Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not sure I can keep going?

I agree with you that we definitely had a role in the demise of our marriages, but that does not give our wives the right to go outside of the marriage.

My biggest frustration is that my wife took her concerns about our marriage to someone outside of the marriage. She identified to the OM all the issues she had with me and he began to meet those needs and looks like a real hero. She then tells me that she shouldn't have to tell me what her needs are. Go figure. I have now shown her that I am capable of making chnages and had she raised those concerns prior to the bomb I would have addressed them. Anyways, you can't go back.

Nothing much has changed in my situation. Wife did call me today about a stressful situation at work. She sought out my support and advice. I was glad to help and appreciated the fact that she felt comfortable reaching out to me. On the otherhand, she still does not say good morning or good night to me unless I say it first. Not sure where that comes from??? Why can't a person make at least some effort to communicate.

Doesn't seem to be any change in our roommate status. I wonder how much of this our 3 kids pick up on. Must be weird to have parents that never hug, kiss or show any form of affection for each other.

Wife is still in the process of looking for another job which is a good sign because then she would no longer be working with the OM. I continue to monitor the situation, but have not seen any signs that they are still together. My wife hasn't bought a Cosmopolitan magazine since before I confronted her about the OM. Always made me wonder why someone who is supposibly not having sex (with me anyway) would be buying cosmo??? She denied a PA, but there are times when I still have my doubts.

Anyway, will keep plugging away.

Your sitch is similar to my own Punchy.
W gets her endorphins from OM
No "goodnights" etc.
Kids notice everything, but you will take good care of them.
Hang in there. You are not alone.

It's a similar pattern of behavior.
You have to decide how you want to ride it out.
In my case W wants a D and roommates.
After much rollercoaster riding, I am giving her what she wants.

It becomes easier once you get off the coaster,
once you are emotionally prepared to move on without her.
It's called detaching. I've been thru hell for four months.
And finally reached a point where I can move on with or without.
Even with her under the same roof and in the same house, you can still GAL and take care of the kids and let her go.
It's possible. In fact, it is the only recourse.

Only then will you realize that you are the stronger party, the steady rock, your happiness does not depend on her, your light shines brightly, you do not allow anything she does to "hurt" your feelings, you are more prepared to forgive her than she is to forgive herself.

It has taken me four and a half months. You'll get there. Try and enjoy your life while you have it and let the time go by.

Prayers
Pickle

Is anyone one the board right now. Ive had a horrible day. I cant handle much more of this. Ive been hoping for maybe a chance that H would come back. I found out today he was with OW again 2 weekends ago. I haven t heard from him in over 2 weeks. I want to be mad at him but i cant be. I miss him terribly. We have been M for 29 years. Ups and downs of course throughout. He left in dec.2010. File D papers in Feb.2010. Do these affairs last? Its an out of state on too. He has just lost his family. Is it worth it to him? Im so devastated today. I cant get pass this no matter how many people tell me or how hard i try. Do they come back? Do they come back after they file papers? How does someone he got reacquainted with after 35 years make him want to lose his family? Someone, anyone if you have a minute could you answer.

________________________________
Me 51, H56
married 29 yrs
together 34
S 27, D 25, D 22
bomb 12-6-10
served 2-6-10

Very wise.

I think I am doing better with the detaching. At this point I feel that I am ok with the marriage ending or continuing. I actually prefer the times when my wife is not at home. When its just me and the kids, I actually have a much better time. I find that when she is around I feel more depressed.

The communication with my wife is very strange. She is very friendly, funny and warm when communicating via phone or email. In person though it is a totally different approach. She is much more reserved and distant. Not sure why this is.

With each day that passes, I feel more comfortable with who I am today based on the changes that I have made. I am a much better person than I was at the start of this journey.

My wife recognizes these changes, but is not comfortable at this time with reinvesting emotionally in the marriage.

As a woman that has often been accused of being reserved and distant...it's really easy to let myself be funny and warm and friendly on the phone or in email. There is a protective barrier of sorts in those formats.
Perhaps, just perhaps your wife feels as I have. Judged, evaluated, criticised. I had ( it's changing) a very buttoned down/ formal public persona because of that.

My wife is reserved as well when it comes to communication. She does not like conflict and goes out of her way to avoid discussing issues. This is a major part of why we are in this situation re our marriage.

I will take the email and phone call approach as a positive. She maybe using this as a way to gauge my current take on our situation. I try to maintain a consistent level of response to her. Always positive, supportive, willing to help and being upbeat re phone calls. Same thing for the email contacts.

Over time she may come around re the face to face interactions.

Received my usual morning email update from my wife this morning. We email each other in the morning to update on the status of how things went in terms of getting the kids off to school etc, depending on who went into work early and who stayed home with the kids.

In the past my wife would limit her comments to just the kids. I always included in my emails to her to "have a good day". etc. Recently she has started to reciprocate. Today was a major change in that not only did she say to have a good day, she also asked me whether I had anything exciting going on. I was just thinking to myself last night, that she never asks me how my day went or what plans I have for work the next day.

Maybe this is a sign that she is trying to reach out to me. I know that she has difficulty communicating verbally, so this maybe a way for her to ease back into things a comfortable manner.

I am not going to read too much into it, but it was a departure from her normal interaction with me.

Sorry no one has responded to your post yet Rue. I'm new to this, so I have no answers. I am sure some come back and others don't. I am giving this post a bump so hopefully you get some encouragement. All I can say is you must emotionally detach from your H for your own wellbeing. That's the first thing. Take care of yourself. I'll keep you in prayer.
Pickle

I don't know the answers to many of your questions Rue. I'm in the same place, more or less.
I will tell you one thing that I have learned.
You know those occasional stories you read of 80 year old people meeting up with their high school sweethearts and marrying?
They gush about the other person and tell the reporter how their sweetheart has not changed in appearance or is just as beautiful as the day they met...etc.etc? I guarantee you that these high school sweethearts had had sex. They imprinted on one another, oxytocin is a powerful thing.

This might explain what you're observing.