The Job hunt is looking positive still. There's one that looks most likely to turn into a solid offer; i'll find out in the next day or two. Thanks for asking, Mike.
I can't afford a lawyer where I am right now, but I hope to get in to the county's free legal cousel office tomorrow.
Okay, good deal. Keep us posted on your progress.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Does anybody know the DB success rate for WAWs who do not remain in the state, such as across the country? I know there are many variables, but I'm curious if success is (at least partly) contingent on geographic distance, i.e. short distance = better, long distance = not so good.
I wonder this because my wife wants to move to the East Coast for medical residency. How would DBing my heart out on the West Coast going to be effective from so far away. I imagine us seeing each other probably twice or thrice a year due to our son (maybe).
I doubt anyone will have an answer to that, but how is that going to work with son? One of the first things my W and I talked about when this first started was that neither would move far away for the sake of our D. I even stopped thoughts quickly about moving to SoCal when I realized how difficult it would be for our D.
Just curious what the logistics would be in your sitch.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I doubt anyone will have an answer to that, but how is that going to work with son? One of the first things my W and I talked about when this first started was that neither would move far away for the sake of our D. I even stopped thoughts quickly about moving to SoCal when I realized how difficult it would be for our D.
Just curious what the logistics would be in your sitch.
My wife is convinced that because of my addiction history, she needs to be the primary care giver for my son, you know, for his protection. At this point, she's in such a rabid mode that she absolutely will not entertain or budge from the her plan. In other words, she will take our son where her profession takes her. For her, being a doctor has been her dream since, well, forever. Nothing will stop her from achieving it. Is is selfish? Yes it is.
I'm so glad that you and your wife worked things out regarding your daughter. I do hope my son can stay close enough to either of us, and not 2 gajillion miles apart.
My wife comes into my room and starts choking up. She said she can't believe she's doing this but... Then she told me the address of her new house. Now I wasn't expecting that.
Then she stayed for about an hour and started saying how afraid she is now that I know where she lives, what I might do to her. I consoled her some and assured her that I will not and have not the intention of harming her or such. I was concerned as a father where my son was. I thanked her for telling me. Later she brought this up again saying that once she files, she's going to be really afraid of what I'd do. If I did anything, she's put a restraining order on me. I said don't worry, I won't do anything like that.
There was a lot of back and forth after that, about things like care for our son, her residency, etc. However, here are some of the main things she touched on:
1. I want to remind you that this will NOT work between you and me, because the I'm not attracted to you and haven't been for a long time. I knew this wouldn't work when early in the separation I tried imagining you sleeping with another woman, and I didn't care. I was apathetic.
2. I don't see you ever kicking your porn habit. I saw something in your history the other day (she mentioned only one site that I was unfamiliar with), so you're lying. You keep telling me you've got it under control, but the way you talk and the way I've heard you talk in recent weeks -- you used to talk like that during our marriage. You're only okay for a couple weeks, or months and then back at it again. All I see is words.
3. I notice your new 70s old school Christian values that you suddenly have. So black and white. Before this, you used to be more liberal. I can tell you that even if you didn't have the porn issue anymore, I will never want to be married to guy with your Christian values. (I tried explaining that what she saw was me going back to the fundamentals, but I still enjoy those liberal views. I gave her some examples, but she didn't think they were relevant).
4. This new Alamo I see, those changes you said you've made -- i don't find them the least bit attractive. When I talk to you over the past weeks, there are times when you still react or talk like your old self. All the things you say, well...there always has been the counseling Alamo and the real Alamo. And the counseling Alamo is nice and perfect for all his friends to see, but the real Alamo keeps saying the same things over and over again. And with porn, I'm not interested in seeing if you're over it.
5. All the things I tolerated about you earlier in our marriage - when I was younger - like your laziness, your momma's boy attitude...I can't stand them and are huge turn offs for me.
6. I spoke to the therapist and she said in order for me to move on, as well as for you, I and our son to move forward, you need to get that hope that this will still work out with me out of your head. You're still not accepting that this is over.
Then she walked out the door.
Is my wife just trying to clear the air from her side of things? What is she trying to accomplish by bringing up all these topics/gripes? Is she Hoping she can convince me that it's truly over, so I will leave her alone? Is she venting? Or is there some small bit of positive somewhere in there?
First positive: you set the boundary of needing to know where your kid is, and she respected it. Do not mess it up by using the information to your advantage. Now that you have it, I would recommend you mention to her that you have put the address in a safe place so that if there is ever an emergency and you need to get to your kid, you know how to get there.
Second positive: she provided you with a list of all the things you need to work on in yourself.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
First positive: you set the boundary of needing to know where your kid is, and she respected it. Do not mess it up by using the information to your advantage. Now that you have it, I would recommend you mention to her that you have put the address in a safe place so that if there is ever an emergency and you need to get to your kid, you know how to get there.
Second positive: she provided you with a list of all the things you need to work on in yourself.
Amen on the positives, Mike. I felt relieved after that conversation, actually, because I saw a glimpse of the woman I fell in love with amidst all this chaos. It was a mild reprieve with some rays of hope. One thing about the conversation that indicates the extreme difficulty (or perhaps impossibility) of her ever wanting this relationship again is the frequent statement where she says that she is not interested in seeing if I'm over porn or not. I also posted a similar entry at the porn addiction recover forum I participate in to hopefully get their feedback on what this conversation means from the POV of the wife of a porn addict.
I posted my conversation my wife and I had on one of my porn recovery forums, and so far the response is that my wife most likely is through/done. It may be the brutal truth, but I feel sad for many of these recovering addicts and spouses of addicts -- they mostly sound so sad and bleak in terms of relationship building. The end is the end...that kind of stuff.
