Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Need Help dealing with my WAW

My goal now is to GAL, and take control of my finances. I bring in 75% of the family income, but my W has always handled the family budget. When we got married it seemed to make sense. She worked in the mortgage industry, I was a scientist, and she actually made more than me. Over the years my career improved beyond expectation as I climbed the ladder of success, but she didn't advance more than a few rungs until her industry collapsed and she became unemployed in 4/2009.
I realize that I just sat back and allowed her to assume responsibility for the family budget and over time she probably resented me for it.

She's been out of work for two years, has taken a total of 3 classes towards a nursing career, and she thinks she is going to go out 3 times a week and spend my money while I sit home with the kids? I can easily divert my pay to another account which she doesn't have access too and completely control the family budget. If she wants to put gas in her car or go out with friends she can come to me with her hand out and say please.

Update: W returned from party @ 6:00am, got a shower, and was out the door by 7:15 for her class. The old me would have asked a lot of questions, but I just said good morning and made breakfast for D. W told me she had fun and bumped into some people who knew her dad way-back-when, talked all night, and stayed to help clean up.
I was pleasant and kept my responses brief. I found a post last night that lists many examples of Loving Detachment and I read it about 5 times. I'll try to stick to it and give W her space while I GAL. Got to go now and take D to B-Ball practice.

Here is a burning question I need help with: I was thinking about doing something as a family tonight, but now I think I should just go out on my own. I took the kids bowling last night and we had fun, but I think I deserve some GAL time.
Just not sure what to do.

Me 45 W 43
Married 16 years
Still sleeping in same bed
S 14
D 11 (down syndrome)
10/2010 ILYBNILWY
W EA 3/2006

Okay, I see why you've been so clingy with the TM's. But, it doesn't improve things, does it?

I believe you definitely need to control the money! She's not withholding information to "protect you", she's trying to save her own hide! Sweetie, you've got to face some facts.....beginning with she can't be trusted to handle the family budget when she is partying 3-4 nights a week.

You don't show her you trust her with the financial welfare of the family when she's waving red flags all over the place. If she wants to be trusted with that level of finance, then IMHO, she would need to start with a better track record.

According to her behavior, her mind is clearly not on being a good wife & mother. Do you think she is being a good role model? Is she financing these all-nighters with her money or is that part of the "budget" you are paying?



Short notice for someone who tells you to give more advance notice, don't you think?



Beginning now, "expect" it. Beginning now, have your own plans that doesn't revolve around her.



I'm sure you didn't intended to appear weak, but many WAYs would see that as such. Now look very carefully at her answer:



Really?

Why would a woman/mother her age go to anything where it would be considered "rude" to take her H as her escort? You see the signs. If she won't be honest with you, at least be honest with yourself and realize that you've got to step-up and save your family. She's in a bad place and I don't think you can depend upon her right now, do you?

In the last week or so I have been making an effort at "loving detachment" and GAL. I no longer pursue WAW with frequent txt and phone calls, and I leave it to her to initiate communication. My responses are brief and I don't ask here where she is, what she's up to, etc. We haven't had an R conversation in a month or so and I'm striving not to start one. I'm just trying to keep busy, stay positive, and put on a happy face. Yesterday, W took S to a charity carnival put on by the local hockey franchise. I would normally hang out with D at home, but instead I went to visit family so D could play with her cousins and I could hang out with my sis and BIL. It was a good time. I was tempted to discuss my Sitch with them, but didn't. So far I haven't discussed it with any family. WAW has been discussing it with her friends for months. She has some friends who are recently divorced (or in the process) and she has been asking them for advice and providing her side of the story. I wonder what advice she is getting from them?

It is best not to talk about R with friends & family b/c they are too close to you and it's hard for them not to be biased. Your W's D friends will no doubt encourage her to follow them. Those who try to encourage her to work on the M are the friends she may drop.

Rely upon the support group here on the board and keep friends and family to have in helping GAL.

Thanks Sandi,
I appreciate your support.
My W has a GF who lives about 10-minutes away who is recently divorced. According to GF, Her exH had a drinking problem and was abusive so she took the kids and left. Her ex has the kids every other weekend and she often invites my W over because she doesn't like being in the house alone. My W also has a guy-friend who is having marriage difficulties and accordind to my W "they are definately getting divorced". My W dated this guy for a while as a teenager, and lost contact with him for 20-years. She reconnected with him on Facebook a year ago and now communicates with him frequently. After the ILYBINILWYA bomb in October 2010 I checked the phone records and saw that she was talking to him for 30 to 60 minutes several times per week when I was not home. I confronted her back then and she said that he was just a friend and they mostly just talked about his M problems and the good old days. She did admit that she wasn't sure if she could ever be happy with me again, but he was someone that she might be happy with. She also said that there were several other guys she knew that might make her happy.

Saying that "he's just a friend" is the second most common answer a WAW gives when busted.

Yes I know the "he's just a friend" line is BS when referring to someone you spend hours a week talking to on the phone. When confronted about the phone use in Oct. my W didn't apoligize and basically used her unhappiness with the M as an excuse to justify it. When I stated that her actions were hurting the M and would be a roadblock to us making things better she said she wasn't sure things between us could ever get better. This is the same night she dropped the ILYBINILA bomb. I spent the next few months making all the typical mistakes (pursuing, trying to plan date nights, etc.) and go nowhere. In January I discovered this forum and got a copy of DB. I'm not trying to follow the GAL and 180 guidelines as best as I can.

You're not?

Maybe you meant "now" you're doing the GAL & 180.

I have noticed one thing in common for the success stories I've read here on the board. It was when the LBS was able to set the WAS free.....truly free in his heart....and move on with his life as if she would no longer be an important part of it. But that's something that the individual has to do for himself. If/when he can....the M stands a good chance in the W turning back to him and wanting to work on the R. I don't know how to explain it other than to say it is human nature. It's attitude that you can't give to a person....you just have to get it for yourself. When you are able to move forward ,and I don't mean with a D, but mentally moving forward with life....it takes all that negative energy from you and the W likes what you have become.