Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story - He Cheated while I was Pregnant

Lol - ya, I was in such a good mood, it did make me laugh a little when he said it. The next day a lady at the day care was sooo upset with her husband (sounded like maybe he bought her a bag of hershey's at the drugstore/left it for her in the bag on the counter--something romantic like that) because he wanted to know what HE ever got for Vday. Well, that made me pause because with my "new" filter on life, her husband maybe had a valid point.

But you are right. If he's having even a little pity party about the lack of gifts, he's not stopped focusing on himself and realized that this is the reality he's creating (especially if a week seems like a good gap between visiting the kids).

He did record one of those hallmark story books for our daughter, that was sweet for her. Hallmark should seriously put the buttons on the back, though - she's pushing them rather than letting it play.

Rhode Island is my revised 3 hour road trip. I have a gf who will do the 7 hour Niagara trip another time - 2 year old and a crowd/cliff makes me want an extra adult.

2 yr old and a 7 hour trip makes me want a cliff :-)

Hi,

So I'm not sure my DBing was "conventional" but it worked for me.

I've read through your posts, and everything is so similar. My husband did and said the same things he only saw our kids for 4 hours a week and every other weekend.

Be patient. Listen, validate. You need to convey to him that you are the better choice. I did that by continuing to do the things he needed. I remember one time right he left he was so upset I didn't have his favorite pop in the house when he came to visit the kids. He screamed at me and said see, you don't care about me and what I want. A real wife/girlfriend would have had it here waiting. It seems stupid and petty, but to the MLCer (or QLCer in our case) it is all about them. I indulged this...from that point forward I had snacks and pop he liked. I usually cooked dinner on those night or brought something home too.

I can tell you for the first 6 months, I was a basket case. I was pregnant, hormonal and just crazy. I took him about a year to wake up, and part of that was my craziness and inability to stop putting my foot in my mouth every time we made any progress. We have been working towards him moving back in for about 6 months now, and he has been fully ready to move back for probably 6 weeks.

This is a long process...strap yourself in!

Haha - well, the car rides went ok. Ironman, I would expect more iron from you - my kids are pretty good in the car, but D 2.5 has started to yell about being stuck and wanting to walk...I dread the 3's!

This wind was not good, though, we could barely walk around today once we got to Mystic and RI.

"Relationship update" -Friday he called half a doz times. We sent pictures throughout the day and he wrote back saying how cute they were and etc. He called early in the day to let us know he had a meeting and would be out of pocket (not sure why this was important to tell me) for a few hours and wanting to know if we were in RI). We actually did a shorter day trip instead.

Then last night he called again to talk to D. I started her on pics so she could tell her dad about her day....30 second later he cut us off because his mom was calling. Retrospectively, maybe it wasn't his mom, but was OW? Anyway, it was a total 180 on his part - just dropped the poor kid like she didn't matter at all to return the call.

Today we took a longer day trip to RI- pretty much 0 from him all day. I sent a pic or two and let him know where we were in a brief text. (If I am traveling, I usually do that for him and my dad for safety). He's coming to see the kids tomorrow. Hasn't seen them since mon because of a busy work week. I should turn off phone/disconnect till he shows up. I'm annoyed that he's rolling in around 12- these kids nap for 2-3 hrs around 2. But, I am not him and he clearly doesn't think coming early is a priority. Lord help me if he shows up covered in hickey's again. Lol. Lord help him if he lies and tells me he has razor burn again!!

I feel really helpless right now. I want him to crack and badly. I want him to ache for the wife/kids/family/home/money/love he's chucking away. But not in a woe is me, run away and self medicate with sex and isolation way. In a "man-up" "get my [censored] together and fight for what is mine" way.

I have an unfortunate deadline - I'm not renewing mu lease under the current situation, so if things aren't clearer by the end of june/july, the kids and I are moving closer to my parents - 14 hrs by car or half a day in airport/flying/driving.

I feel like I'm writing country songs.

Time to go inside (in drive with calm, sleeping babies in car) and clean house. nothing says "come back to us" like dirty dishes and laundry and toys everywhere!

Men out there, what cracked you and helped you out of the fog?

Women out there, remind me again that men can change back to a better person when they've wandered into lala land? I read Calliope or someone's thread whose H came back and left again a year later and have been terrified ever since. I handled the 1st departure gracefully ( mostly)....

Tera I did friends and family know what was going on in your situation? Did anyone help or hurt by knowing? My immed fam and a few friends know. His parents/sib and a very few others (inc his boss, so he can leave early for visitation) know. He's really avoided telling anyone who matters to him.

Sounds like you guys had a fun weekend! Way to GAL!

So, at first my husband told everyone. His dad came and helped him move out. He took off his wedding ring the day he dropped the bomb and he told everyone at his work. After a while though he regretted it, and told everyone at his work we were back together. Right now, only his family knows we are not together, and they are pretty upset about it. They have been telling him to make a decision either way.

If you want to get back together, my advice is not to tell too many people the gory details. I say this, because I had a complete meltdown when he left and told my parents way to much. I also gave my sister a few blow-by-blow accounts of our fights. The only thing this has accomplished is getting him banned from their homes. I haven't even been able to tell them he is coming home. I'm going to lose a lot by taking him back. Had I not provided so much detail I think things would be easier.

Tera - do you feel like you detached (per DB) at all? That's the hard thing about having the little kids. We're thrown together a lot and I'm forced to be around a lot. I try to get away sometimes when he has them, but he's not even set up in his apt for the older to do overnights. I can sometimes just hand the phone over for my 2 year old to talk, but for a real update/discussion, I end up being involved.

AJM - In a weird way, your situation is a little similar to mine. My wife and I had been married for a couple of years. In love. Decided that we wanted to have a baby. My wife became pregnant after a few months of trying. All is well.

Then she decides to have an affair with a woman while she was just three months pregnant. The affair continued physically up to the birth of our baby boy. It continued for another 5 months until I discovered it. The OW had been married for several years, knew she way gay, tried for years to have a baby but couldn't. It is just so psycho, but my wife told me that she pursued other OW.

It is amazing to me how that decision was made to have the affair. How can you know that a child that the two of you made is coming into this world, and you are going to make a horrible decision that will change its life forever?

My heart truly goes out to you.

Thanks Sparks - it is truly shocking. I read something really interesting when this 1st happened - the article was geared towards men, but I think it applies to women too. When you're a kid and even early in marriage, you're the center of the circle. It's ok that life mostly revolves around you and what you want. But when a baby is coming/arrives, you (male or female) have to get out of the center of the circle. Some people are very selfish and immature and have a hard time doing that. That was my sister's take on all this. But I think with DBing and time, I've started to understand that you have to make time for each other. Your wife was probably really influenced by OW's thinking - who clearly is obsessed with the idea of a ready made family...problem is that it's your family. So, my thought, from the other and same side of the fence at the same time - your wife got something that was lacking in your relationship from this woman. My husband got sex from someone not preg/not planning on being preg and youthful/fearless admiration/flattery. What did your wife get? Probably unbridled enthusiasm about the baby coming and her changing body (possibly to a twisted degree), envy of her situation - that rush of ego that women can fall prey to, plus that addictive high a new relationship gives.

I'll have to catch up on your posts, but it's interesting (and painful - I feel for you) to hear the same story from a different angle.

For me, good things would be knowing you were proud of me for how I'd carried the baby/taken care of myself/gone thru labor/etc. Knowing you were glad, in spite of everything, about our son and were going to be there for him/reliable. ( A suggestion for this - open an email account for him. Send him little emails as he hits milestones or you think of things you want him to know. Keep it appropriate and upbeat - not a platform for lashing out against his mom or OW. Let her know at some point, so she can contrib too, if she likes. Think of it as an online baby book. Tell him about the day he was born, etc. He'll appreciate when he's older - do it for the 2 of you, not your wife.). That's all I have for you for now, but we do the email thing and it helps me remember good things/slow down and enjoy life, even with all the crap going on.

AJM. I am close to tears right now with your words. Thank you for recognizing the situation in the same way I do.

Your husband is out of his mind right now. I wish he would understand the family that he has now an truly embrace it.

My wife and I right now are in a very amicable and even friendly relationship (maybe to my fault), but she has a long way to go in finding herself. She, to my knowledge, has broken the affair. Right now, we are on a long road of rebuilding but not quit reconciling. Maybe this turns for the best, and we realize that our family was meant to stay intact. If the worst happens, maybe the healed relationship provides our son the best we can give from a broken marriage.

It hurts, though. I wish I could look at my wife in the eyes and ask her if this is really how she wants to love her life? Does she understand that 50/50 custody for the son that we both are in love with means that we miss out on half of his experiences? Not just the early childhood experiences but more for the rest of our lives.

It drives me crazy to think that way, and I am sure we share the same feelings. Our spouses acted so selfishly, but here we are trying to pick up the pieces.

I will keep an eye on your, sitch, AMJ. Thanks for keeping an eye on mine.

Take care of yourself.

Oooh, I wish I had some Oreo's and milk in the house. Comfort food from childhood. tired today. H and I are getting along really well, but no "progress". That's impatient me being blind to the real progress, I think. He's not gone to an atty. We're not fighting. He's bonding with our son. We're talking and texting - I need to back way off on that. I send more than he replies. He likes them, but that's not the point.

I just got him to agree to babysitting this Saturday night so that I can go out with 2 single gf's. I made a joke last night about the next man who keeps me up all night wouldn't be in diapers (our son). I apologized this morning, said I didn't think it was funny/nice and that celibacy is getting to me. He said he thought it was funny. He thinks I am pretty funny, which is nice (ha, I am hilarious).

Whatever, though. I am glad to go out with my friends and am going to try to keep them from getting me totally intoxicated. Cause they are spending the night, but my babysitting H isn't.