Sage, it's not your fault. Were you being facetious about my post saying so much??
Yes, the holidays really bother me.
What works? I forget... ...Feeling secure. But how did I do that??? I was all inspired when I found Michele's books, and motivated, and db'ing, etc. What happened to the air in my balloon? And h was making more threats of leaving. (wrong motivation?). I mean, he told me a few weeks ago that he's not ready to say that he is sure he wants to be m to me, but he hasn't talked about leaving.
But that has to come from inside. What if he did leave? You would survive. What if he died? You would grieve, you would survive, you would live still. Karen will survive. She does not need her H to survive, or live her life. He is an added joy to her already, soon to be, overflowing joyful life!
You are young, strong and healthy and have so many choices and options in front of you.
Have fun, enjoy this holiday, make it a good memory to add to your memories.
I know it is easier to sit here and say all of that, but it is what I am telling myself also ok?
It really has to be a choice, deep down inside of you and I don't think anything anyone else tells you is going to get you there till deep inside Karen you decide you will be alright.
I know I had some awesome people from this bb post some great advice to me. And I think it is NOW helping me. I read it but until I got to that place inside myself, I couldn't/didn't really consistently apply it. It helped for awhile, but then I would be back sort of where I was before I read the posts.
It has to be for yourself and your choice. At least that is my experience. And IT AIN'T EASY. But is it worth it, YES , a hundred times over it is worth the struggle to get it and to keep it!
I think it is called the JOY OF LIVING!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
hi, it's me... Had a pretty rough night. Finally dawned on me that the holidays are really getting to me as I am depressed. I stayed up crying last night (seems like there has been a lot of that going on around here ) wondering where my will is. My will to live, my will to save my marriage, my will to pick myself up.
My family has crumbled all around me. My sis and BIL essentially quit talking to H and me 2 1/2 years ago. I don't see my 3 nephews very often. She would let me take them, and is cordial when I see her, but there is no effort to be "friends" again. I have tried to talk to her, and em'd her and invited to our party, etc. to no avail. (Not excessively-I've given her plenty of space.) What happened: h & i got engaged at the end of april and decided to get marry that June on the 10th. He had hurt his knee and was off work. My sis and h's friend became realtors at the same time. Well, we decided to go with his friend b/c he was going to do the majority of the house searching/paperwork...as i was planning the wedding and rec'pn. (And my sister can be very aggressive.) I told her and she flipped out. then BiL called and yelled at me...
Well, since then my 2 uncles, and cousin did not use her as a realtor, so she is not talking to anybody. Furthermore, my mom and 2 uncles owned a co. together that went out of biz and 1 uncle and his fam. detached from the 2 siblings. (I know it's not personal to h & me, but they RARELY go to any fam. functions.) This side of the fam. in its entirety used to get together several times a year.
I love my mom dearly. She is very nice and generous...but I just cannot have any more than a superficial r'ship with her. As I've told you before, she is very negative and has a horrible self-image and horrible view of men (and feels free to say so.) She never dis's my h, but I absorb her feelings if you know what I mean. The more time I spend with her, the less I get along with h. It's not her fault as now I am an adult and s/b able to have my own thoughts and beliefs...
It's only been in the past 2 years that I have re-built an r with my dad. He is an alcoholic, was verbally abusive, and somewhat sociopathic. I always thought that the probs in their m was caused by him so i was really angry with him, but later realized that my mom was the cause of a lot of the probs! I will call him soon and see about spending some time with him. His is the BIGGEST testimony i can give to AD's. I have not seen any other person change as much as I have seen him change.
Plus I'm broke. I have to spend nearly $200 for a clutch for my truck. (so lucky to be married to a mechanic, no? as I do not have to pay labor!) h doesn't expect much as far as xmas gifts go, but oc, i want to give him something! (**emotional stability for longer than 1 1/2 months would be the greatest gift of all.)
My MIL has 10 cats to which I am very allergic to her new additions. I was doing ok there for a while, but now i get sick w/in a half an hour again and the inhaler does little when i am there for hours. And then she calls me "poor Karen." I just don't know what to say. (she's the one that bought them!) I told h that I cannot spend several hours over there on xmas, but would maybe go over later or something. I have not told her yet and i don't know if he has. obviously, i don't want to be by myself while h is over there...
ok, so how's that for a pity party? Shall we make a toast? thanks for reading. karen
I'm feeling better today. H is now being withdrawn, he told me to quit messing with him. Now I feel bad, oc. I only talked to him for a few mins. yesterday and this morn. Tonight we are supposed to go either biking or hiking if the weather isn't too bad.
H has plans for Sat. I've asked a bunch of friends to do something and so far noone can...Don't know what I am going to do. H's female boss is having a party for the guys at the shop. I said, "isn't it for mixed company?" And he pretty much said no, that's it's just the work guys, her h and his friends b/c she doesn't get along with women. Is that weird/rude? Should I care? I'm trying not to.
I called the dr. and he is going to increase my wellbutrin. good, i need it!
Hi Pam & others, Thursday night did not go biking/hiking. I came home and h was hem-hawing & then it got to be too late. He asked what we were doing & I told him that it was too late. He thought it started a half an hour later than it does. I init. and he responds. We went to eat and to his mom's to pick up our camera.
Fri. I worked late b/c I found out I can take M & T off so I wanted to finish up a bunch of stuff. I called and asked if he wanted to come up there and go out to eat. He met me, dinner was ok. Then we come home and he's falling asleep on the couch. I ask what he wants to do. (We had talked about seeing a band but realized it was one that he doesn't like.) No decisions, so I take a shower and ask again. He shrugs. He keeps saying "I don't know." me: Do you want to stay home? h: shrug me: Do you want to go out? H: Shrug me: what's wrong? are you talking to me? h: nothing is wrong me: (trying to be patient and not hit my head against the wall.) Um, when will you decide what you want to do? h: shrug pause pause pause pause... i look at the camera manual make a couple comments H: what do you want to do? me: i would like to go out H: and do what? Me: have a beer, play darts or pool, see a band, see a movie h: we don't have a paper me: we can call...i get phone book h: we don't have to see a band Me: ok pause... H: so? me: so what? h: what are we doing? me: well, i suggested a few options. what would you like to do? h: (finally) well, we can go to a bar and see if any tables are available. Me: cool, where? he names a few places, we decide where to go. pool tables are occupied, get a beer, sit...i try to make convo., h is v. non-communicative. I ask questions and get short answers. I wait for him to talk to no avail. I even smile at him and he doesn't smile back. So, this is pretty painful. I'm trying really hard not to get upset. We finish beer and go home. Earlier I had tried to snuggle with him and he grumbled, so i didn't try when we went to bed. He didn't snuggle me, but fell asleep.
This morn. I got up first and got on puter. H gets ready for work. he has a few min., so we chat. I put on my cheerful face and make small talk. h seems a little better, goes to work.
OK, so I know that I f'ed up and now he is distant. I've just shot myself in the foot! I don't know what to do. We've had talks about me being frustrated b/c he won't help decide what to do for the eve. I'm j & mad b/c he doesn't have trouble with his friends, and he always seems to muster up the energy to go out and stay out til 2am.
He told me a couple weeks ago that this is what I get. This is all he has to give. I cannot expect anything from him. I need to accept this, but it feels like crap. I keep wanting him to make effort for our r, (and getting mad in my head at him), but I'm the one that is screwing things up. So, now he is WAY back in his shell. For a while there (the good 6 weeks) we both bounced back relatively quickly.
I figure we are going to be spending a lot of time together with our days off and xmas, and I need to put on A SERIOUS MAJOR ACTING AS IF hat. He could easily go back to believing that things are not going to change, and think about a D. I do NOT want that to happen!
I know that I need to feel better about myself regardless of how he treats me. I guess that is the key right now (and always). I have lots to do today. I would like to put up our tree. I keep asking h when we are going to do it and he says "whenever." HOW can I do a 180 on this??? I thought about what Sage said, to just start saying, "i'm going X, would you like to go?" But, instead I wait around for his hem-hawing and get frustrated. I suppose I could start putting up the tree myself and see what happens. he'd probably see me fumbling with it and help.
++he told me if i was out today to stop by the shop & he would replace a burnt out taillight on my truk. Now, see, he does stuff like this! Like Pam said, he is putting the effort in in his ways. I told him thanks, and prob. will.
Hope I can do that. Fought more Sat., things ok Sunday. We spent most of the day apart yesterday and then went out for a nice dinner. I am working on not letting his mood/distance bother me (make me cry more) as I am the one that has pushed him away...
Still a couple times, which is a +++. Ok, more than a +
He just went to lunch with his mom & asked if I wanted him to just come back and get me to do more xmas stuff. I said to call first, but i don't think i'll go anywhere til he gets home. I've been doing all the shopping for his fam. He can join me for the rest of it...
Shopped with my mom yesterday and went out with her & her bro. sat. Had a really good time. She keeps asking, "so, you're happy, right?" or, "are you happy?" all, i can say, is "yeah, i'm ok." I cannot get into a serious convo. with her. I'll only end up feeling worse. She hasn't been griping too much about men and may actually be done with her bf who she's been complaining about for almost 3 years. We'll see. I know her thoughts/feelings/beliefs shouldn't affect me, but they are so ingrained in me. I hate it. I make the worst ASSumptions about H and never give him the benefit of the doubt.
I wouldn't be surprised if he wrapped up a D and gave it to me for xmas.
I wanted to find an appropriate xmas card, but can't find one that says, "gee, i've been such an @sshole. Thanks for spending the holidays with me anyway." so i got a cute one and may just write that on the side.
Were you being facetious about my post saying so much?? 
and he responds. We went to eat and to his mom's to pick up our camera. 
So, this is pretty painful. I'm trying really hard not to get upset. We finish beer and go home. Earlier I had tried to snuggle with him and he grumbled, so i didn't try when we went to bed. He didn't snuggle me, but fell asleep.