Twink - I think that this was a very positive interaction with H. Has this happened before, relaxed evening with wine and talking, or do you see this as progress?
And BTW no 2x4s from me either....you are past the anger/guilt stage I believe, so I don't think that statement had negative impact...the opposite, I think it's a good sign that you can be honest and he doesn't flip out.
Keep doing what you are doing
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
As is true for many of us, the last month has been challenging because of the holidays. I've had more hard days than usual, and have really struggled to maintain my equilibrium at times. I did manage to shut up when Ds loved their Christmas presents from H, although it was obvious to me that OW had helped with their selection. And when Ds had a major falling out, I struggled to remain calm as they each vented to me about the other while I was terrified that my family was breaking apart even further.
With no other options, older D left her pet with H while we were with younger D for Christmas, and when we returned, H delivered pet to her here. Although we'd had a long day of travel, I invited H in, mostly because of D. We sat around in front of a fire with glasses of wine and chatted amiably. Our dinner was past done, so I asked H if he would like to join us. He seemed very uncomfortable, checked his watch, but accepted. Just as I was about to serve it, he excused himself to the garage, I suspect to make a call. I have now decided to ask him to leave his cell phone in the car when he comes to my home, as I find it very disrespectful to be taking or receiving calls during the brief times he spends with his Ds and the mother of his children. I had enough of that before the B. But I digress. Dinner was terrrible, due to my fatigue and neglect, and I apologized, but I really didn't care. H was gracious, thanked me, and hugged me goodbye.
The next day I was updating our joint finances, and found a charge in OW's city two days after Christmas that should not have been on our joint card. I decided that I had to mention it, because it felt like a slap in the face and I didn't want it to happen again. It also confirmed that H had spent Christmas with OW and her daughter, leaving his mother alone, which is a whole different set of emotions for me. So I asked, at the end of an email about a few other matters, if it should have been a personal expense. H admitted that it should have been on his personal card. I responded that it wasn't much, but the reason I had asked in the beginning of this to separate our recreational expenses was to protect myself emotionally from just that sort of thing. Yes, I know that might have made him feel guilty, but it is important to me that he pay more attention to how he pays for his 'recreation."
D is now gone and I am alone again, back to my routine of walking, working and otherwise taking care of myself, the house, our finances, MIL and Ds, and dealing with my mother's estate. H appears to still be seeing OW, who lives 6 hours away. Watching him jump to make and receive calls when he is with his family, I suspect he has run away from one set of responsibilities to us only to run into another set in his R with OW. The tunnel must be very dark indeed if he can't see that. Not my problem, though, thank goodness. Still moving forward, but navigating a speed bump now and then...
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
H was out of town last week on business. Older D has been struggling with some issues for a while, and I learned lately how serious they had become. I decided that H had a right to know how bad things were for her, and I asked him via em to find a time to discuss. He said he would call me at x time, but I already had plans and told him so, along with a time when I would be available, but that I was also going to visit D the next day and might not be available while there. I was home earlier than expected. Checking my email, I found an electronic boarding pass for his return trip, not to our city, but to OW's, a 6-hour drive away. He had missed the email address confirmation when he checked in. Ugh. Another slap in the face. Nevertheless, I drafted an email forwarding it to him, saved it to send after our convo, and then collected myself to talk only about D when he called.
He called 1 min. after the time I gave him, and we talked for about an hour. He knew some of what was going on, but not the history or the most important parts, so I gave him the full story. I admit to saying a few things that perhaps I shouldn't have -- that I wasn't sure he was in a position to help much, that I understood some of what D was going through because I had been there myself, that we all had our issues to work out -- but nothing made him defensive. In fact, he listened attentively. His responses were very subdued and sad.
After we hung up, I sent him the boarding pass with a note that I would send him his login info for all of his ff accounts that I used to manage, and asking him to change the pws and em addresses so I wouldn't get any more of his travel notices. I was to the point and perfectly civil, but did not sign "Love, Twink" as usual because, frankly, I was quite unhappy that he hadn't been more careful after the cc charge the week before. I sent the follow-up the next day, then went to spend the weekend with D.
Sunday, H tm'ed me to ask if he should try to see D on his way home (from OW's), and what my travel plans were. I told D of the tm, and that if she wanted to see H, I would make myself scarce. She said she would text him. I replied to H that I expected to come home Monday, and that D would text him. I'm not sure if she ever did, but I do know that he left her a vm asking her if she could have lunch, and they did not see each other.
So Monday, when I returned home, I had an em from H saying that he knew I had used his ff miles in the past to travel to or with Ds when the prices were likely to be high, and he was willing to continue to make them available to me (now that I no longer had access to his account), signed "Love, H." I was half hoping / expecting that he would sense my pull-back and do the same. No such luck. I guess this is the pursuit and distance dance. Oh, joy.
I keep thinking how sh*ty it is that H is off off playing house with a woman who thinks it's ok to date a married man and to model that behavior for her daughter, while his friend and partner of 40 years has dealt with his daughters' issues and her mother's last years alone. My thought-stopping clearly needs some work!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Sorry to hear about your D. I know how hard that can be. That you have the strength to deal with it alone says alot about you.
If I may offer this: My D has had some pretty serious stuff go on (if you message me on FB I can be more specific) and while I have let H know when it gets really bad, I don't bother otherwise. My D is still a minor and while you can argue that he should know (and I tend to agree) he sees her once a week and asks her to fill him in on all that's going on (her usual answer is "ok"). He does not ask me or her C. I think this is his way of connecting with her so I let it go.
You will get to the point where you let more and more go sweetie. Just take care of you and be there for your D.
Brroklyn, I know I thanked you on your thread, and Grace, a belated thanks to you for sharing about your D. I always appreciate your calm and supportive words.
Journaling yet again...
For some reason I am still having trouble processing the hits of the last few weeks -- the credit card charge, the boarding pass, and a few days ago, one more. D was missing for about 3 hours. Her keys were hanging in the outside lock of her front door, her phone was inside, her car was there, but she was not. Her roommate called me, clearly worried. I called H to see if he knew anything, and learned that he was on his way to OW, and would be going past D's city. That was fortunate in that he would be able to take charge of things there, but to learn that when I was sitting alone and the panic was rising about D -- ouch. All was ultimately OK, thank goodness, but not before the police were called and D's distressed roommate was interviewed. H couldn't even be bothered to stop by on his way through and give his embarrassed D a hug.
The fact that I'm having trouble with these incidents tells me that I'm not as detached as I thought I was. I think it also tells me that I must have some expectations lurking under the surface. I thought I was at a place where I could start being more open to H without it bothering me -- inviting him to stay if he came by near dinnertime, sharing D's troubles more freely, etc. -- but now I think I need to step back again.
I think part of the problem is that the losses of the last two years -- H, pets, and my mother a couple of months ago -- along with D's troubles and the pressures of planning other D's wedding, are beginning to catch up with me, and I feel emotionally drained and alone. I'm going to concentrate this week on the things that helped me the most in the beginning -- taking care of me first, friends and family, meditation, negative-thought-stopping, H-thought-stopping, finding joy daily -- and limit contact with H until I find my center again. I know how it feels to be there, and I like that so much better!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Twink - You have done a GREAT job of prescribing your own "treatment" for this situation. I say this from a position almost identical to yours. Those hidden expectations that are often out of our own line of sight are pretty tough! IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB, yes, they are tough, although once I figured out why I had been so down for the last few weeks, recognized it for what it was, and gave myself a talking to, I started to feel better.
CW, I hate them, too, now that I see what they can do to you.
Jack, what bothered me was not the increased contact so much, but that each time I was a little more open and generous, it seemed I was quickly slapped with another in-my-face reminder that he is still very much with OW. I don't think H did these things to hurt me on purpose, but he clearly didn't try to protect me from them, either. I guess I expected to have my kindness returned with a little more care on his part, which is, of course, ridiculous under the circumstances. I'm in the process of killing that right now, and stepping back a bit should help.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
