Having another bad day here. Didn't sleep at all last night. I'm guessing it's my head adjusting to the AD's. Also can't stop thinking that W's already moving on with her life...
I've been reading Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil...decent book, but it made me feel terrible about myself and also reinforced to me how hard things must have been for W...I have been unknowingly guilty of a lot of his "bad spirits" through the years...no wonder W is where she's at right now. How was I so blind to how I was poisoning our marriage!?!?!?!?
Well, IC for me tonight. Maybe it'll help me feel a bit better...
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Look, for 15 years, my MIL would take me aside and tell me that I was the son she always wanted. One week after my W left, I stupidly walked into the snake's den (her living room) and tried to apologize for what had happened. She went off on me. Told me that I had mistreated her D and that I was getting what I deserved. She also told me that I never made her feel welcome in my presence. Are you kidding me??? What I didn't know is that for well over a year before my W left, she was dumping all our dirt on her mother. I thought our problems were contained, but they weren't. Turns out my MIL was waiting for over a year to get back at me and I gave her the chance. A few weeks ago, my FIL followed and turned on me too.
Yes, they are going to offer to help. But, it may not be the kind of help you were hoping for. To some of them, regardless of what they say to your face, you aren't blood. Hell, you are only family by the piece of paper you signed on your wedding day. And they will get rid of you just as fast as your W tells them to...
Oh man, i did the same exact thing. Only difference being that my W kept telling her mom and sister everything wrong thing that happened from the time of our marriage.
My IL's went off on me and my parents. My SIL went off too. At that time i just took it. I knew that was the time to make points or argue. But yes, good point FOBD, it does not matter how much you've helped your W's family or how nice you were to them, at the end of the day i do feel they just cannot be objective.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Well, IC was interesting today. She thinks I should basically give W an ultimatium while I'm home due to the toll this has been taking on me...I guess its up to me to see how long I can keep this up. Hopefully the AD's help and I can keep up the good fight.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
You're right, it is up to you know how much you can take, and for how long. Be careful, most traditional counselors have no idea how to handle a situation where only one spouse wants to work on a M. Their typical business is built around helping couples out when both people are involved in the process.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Navy, it's all about what you can handle. Your health and happiness is more important then anything! Even your W! In these situations we let others control our emotions, our feelings, our happiness, our well being...
Remember that life does not end in death. Not in the death of your marriage, and if you are Christian, not even in actual death...
Life goes on... IN PARADISE!!!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Navy, I would advise against the ultimatum this early. I tried that with my W and it failed horribly. Let's put it this way, if it would have worked, you and I would never have met each other. Get it? Ultimatums are a horrible thing for a marriage. It causes one spouse to feel as though they are being controlled by the other. You know your M and your W better than we do, but I would advise against any kind of ultimatum right now.
Your feelings toward delivering this will change. I promise. When she first let, ultimatums and revenge was all I thought about. But, over time, it did get better. I promise it will. And then, you will see that giving her an ultimatum would have been a bad idea.
From one "squid" to another, I would park that for now.
BITS never walk alone!!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
She thinks I should basically give W an ultimatium while I'm home due to the toll this has been taking on me...
I don't like this advice on so many levels. Is it the IC M or yours? Don't run from your emotions, welcome them because when you do you will be a better person. You give your W an ultimatium then what. She response negative and the sitch is escalated. What did you accomplish?
Not a big fan of Dr. Phil but any book I have read have made me feel like dirt. I was able to see how I had hurt my W but it also opened the door for finally really undertanding myself and understading my W.
SBH: I don't know if I agree completely...I know my health is very important, but right now I think my kids' and W's happiness should come before mine.
2step: I was originally seeing the IC for M, but it has morphed into trying to help me cope with my sitch ever since W left. Probably not going to do the ultamatium...but I do want to talk to W. I want her to know the toll this is taking on me, and make sure that she understands that I am not ok with the role I currently have in our kids' lives. I have done a lot of work on understanding my W and myself and I feel that I truly do understand why she feels the way she does right now...what I don't understand is why she's not wanting to try to work on it.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Well, back to Colorado I go tomorrow. Can't wait to hold my kids again. W is picking me up from the airport...she'll probably still be all dressed up from her job interview tomorrow morning and looking beautiful, as always. D5 will want me to ride in the back of the van with her, so I probably won't talk to W much on the ride back.
I guess my plan is to let her know up front that she's welcome to join us anytime, but with no pressure. Not much else I can do.
Tonight on skype was heartbreaking...W took the kids to Chuck-e-cheese today, and D5 told me "they had extra coins left so Me, her, and S2 can go...and mama too. Our whole family can go!" So hard to hold back the tears...
Someday Bubby, we will all go to chuck-e-cheese together again, I promise.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
I feel for you, my friend. Kids say the darndest things and sometimes they are things that turn our hearts to mush. Quietly I wish that mom, dad and 'E' can go out and have fun too.
