H called last night from his buinsess trip to say goodnight to he kids. I let it go to voicemail at first because we wer busy with dinner. His message said "just calling to say goodnight to the kids, hope you guys had a good day. Give me a call back." He called back when I was upstairs but did not leave a message. I waited about 30 minutes and called him back to to let him talk to the kids. He was very friendly and after he spoke to the kids I filled him in on their day and was sure to end the conversation first without asking about his day or trying to start a conversation. This is a first for me....I was proud of myself. I know it seems small but I usually try so hard to engage him and show interest in his trips and what he did that day. I still can't stop thinking about my situation and obsessing on what he is going to do...leave us for ow or try to make things work. This is so difficult and breaking me down. I keep going over our last convos. I wish I knew what his plans were....I have to stop trying to mind read.
Does anyone have insight on what I should be doing at this point? How should I be when he is at home. More distant but cordial. I want him to realize I am pulling away and let him know his behavior is not ok, I have said it but that does not matter to him. I know actions speak louder. I want to save my marriage and the what I have been doing is not working. Being friendly, acting happy, no r talks, changing behaviours he had complaints about. He is just getting closer to ow.
Having a really hard day today. The thought of losing my family is crushing me. Despite everything my husband has done, the fact the ow has a pic still up of them on facebook as her profile. I want him to wake up and chose to save our marriage. This whole situation is mind blowing. He gets home tomorrow from his business trip and I have no idea how to act. He did email me yesterday and when I didn't respond he called a few hours later and asked me if I got the email. I was nice but aloof. He then asked if it was ok if he drove to Atlanta Friday to pick up some tav's for our side business. WTF he asking my permission to do something silly when he is caring on with ow.
Oh boy, sweetie, first you need to calm yourself. Second, stay off of facebook. I'm famous here for my facebook rants, I hate that site especially for people like us. It just gives these WAS's a new arena to hurt us. The cool thing is, though, that you can ignore it and stay off of there.
You know exactly the behaviors that you need to engage in. You've said it all: "Being friendly, acting happy, no r talks, changing behaviours he had complaints about." Are you doing these things??
If you read up on my H, you'll see that he did exactly the same things. Only OW pictures were up on his page. He also called a lot, asked permission to do things and was much more persistent when I was ignoring him. My H also unfriended OW. Good news? My H is home right now.
Do not worry about him drawing closer to OW. That isn't your concern right now. Fixing yourself is your concern right now. If you focus on the M or the OW, you will lose it faster than you can blink. What are you doing to get yourself back? What improvements do you think need to be made? What things in life are going to make you happy (exclusive of the marriage)? You need to come up with this list NOW and start working on it. Nothing will change in your situation until you take a leap of faith and TRULY change yourself. Find something that you can really get into. For instance, for me, I took on a whole new fitness program. I hired a personal trainer and I spend a lot of time at the gym. It's been awesome for me and I have been A LOT happier. Find something like that. One of the girls on here actually started taking flying lessons!!! How cool is that??? Once you do these things, in all likelihood, you will make him curious. But most of all, you will feel happier and more confident. This isn't about him anymore. This is about YOU.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. Please know that there are a lot of us who are here to help and talk to you and maybe be able to receive some of your good advice.
Thank you so much for responding. I know you are right. I need to take better care of myself. I make sure the kids are unaware of the situation and try to focus on other things but I just get sucked back into the negative thoughts and conversations we have had. I keep waiting for my husband to come back but all I see when I look at him is a stranger. I have focused so much during the last few months tying to show him what a great life we have, trying to be the perfect wife. I just fear if I pull back it will make it easier for him to walk away.
Also random question, how do you make a signature with your stats?
For now, just remember: You cannot control your H, no matter what you do. He will do what he wants to do. Let him be.
From what I see, he is very much like my H, loves the kids, but is confused because of his feelings for OW. He does seem to value the family.
I also thought about all that you said - the fear of pulling back, making him turn to the OW.
Let me ask you first: what was the effect of what you did - trying to show how great your life was, etc. Did he notice? Is it positive? Did it make you a better person as well? or were you living in the past, not making any changes?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Let me ask you first: what was the effect of what you did - trying to show how great your life was, etc. Did he notice? Is it positive? Did it make you a better person as well? or were you living in the past, not making any changes? [/quote]
I began trying to be more positive, started working out trying to GAL, stopped nagging him, started doing things for him without complaining such helping him run errands. He stated I was always so focused on our kids and never did anything for him. I did actvities he liked. Stopped calling him often, did not complain when he wanted to go out (which really was only a few times in the last 3 months). I avoid r talks. However in Jan 31 things came to a head when his friend stated he was still involved with the ow (who lives several states away) and the ea had turned in to pa. I flipped out and confronted him very calmly and stated he had to stop seeing her or leave. I made it clear I wanted to save our marriage but would not tolerate the lying and the continuation of the affair. He agreed to stop seeing her and stated he did not want to lose his family. I believed him but this past weekend she posted pictures on her fb profile of them together and a friend found a 2nd fb page under my h name with a different photo of them. My H stated he did not create the page and would take care of it. Again I confronted him and now he is back to saying he has not been happy for two years and maybe we would be happier not together. He left the next day on a buisness trip. I have no idea where we stand a this point.
Read the DR book, Riley. There is a lot of advice there, but what seems to work best is not pursuing, and distancing, but it should be done lovingly. Listen like a friend, validate, do not call, do not say I love you, do not pressure, no R talk, keep it to light, everyday topic, about OW, if you must set boundaries, make them such that you can follow them. When he comes back do not bring up the topic of separation or divorce, as that is part of R talk, but do think of what you would like to say to him if he does bring it up. If he said that in the heat of the moment he probably will not bring it up again, if he means it he will talk about it. Your H is very confused, from what it seems, and only he can resolve that problem. I wonder though if he is willing to go to MC. Have you asked? It might help him sort out how he really feels about you, the OW, the marriage. However, many MC's are not solution oriented and might end up advocating separation instead of fighting for the marriage. For now, focus on yourself and the kids. If you think about him and the M all the time, you will be reacting to his every move, every word. Try to detach from the situation so that you can breathe and think about the sitch.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
H is getting back from his trip tonight. We have not really talked since he left Monday after I confronted him with the facebook pictures that proved he had met up with ow.
He has called each night to speak with the kids and we have been friendly during our convos. I have made sure to end the conversations first and not call him during this trip. I also have let it go to voicemail a few times before calling him back. I am usually calling and trying to engage him in conversation outside the kids and jumping when he calls, so this has been very different.
I have no idea what to expect when he gets home. Based on the past 3 months he will act normal like everything is ok. I have really been thinking about how I need to stop persuing behaviors. I thought I had but I was still calling him, trying to engage him in conversations, offering to run errands for him, following him around the house.
Thanks so much for all the support everyone! It is helpful to come somewhere where I don't here "kick his A** to the curb" and move on.
