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for getting through to your man from her blog

Twelve Tips for Talking to Men
Talking Tip #1: Let him say when.
You already know that men aren’t crazy about talking things out. That’s why it feels as if you’re infringing upon your man when you say you want to talk. Consequently, it is extremely helpful to try to catch your man when he’s most amenable to conversing. I can’t stress enough the importance of choosing your timing wisely when you approach your man with something important. If your man is otherwise preoccupied or is unprepared emotionally to deal with your issues, it won’t be a productive conversation. He’ll become defensive, nasty, or shut down.

When you announce that you want to talk about something, you should ask him whether now is a good time for him. If he says, “No,” respect that and ask him, “When would be a better time?” Many relationship experts suggest that a twenty-four-hour time frame should be sufficient. Then honor your man’s request and wait it out patiently. If he asks what you are going to talk about, briefly describe the subject, but don’t go into too much detail. If he’s not ready to talk, it behooves you not to get him going. Some women notice that by giving their partners the power to decide when these confrontations will occur, their men are more willing participants in the conversations.

Talking Tip #2: Be brief and to the point.
Men are not particularly patient with long-winded explanations about things. In fact, when it comes to verbal communication, they’re not very patient at all. Please don’t forget this. You have a very narrow window of opportunity to be heard. Like kids, they have an extremely short attention span. So you have to make the most of the time you have.

One thing to avoid at all costs is doing something guys refer to as rambling. I’ve come to figure out that when guys say “rambling” they generally mean one of two things: that we’re jumping from topic to topic or we’re talking about feelings. Let’s take jumping from topic to topic first. Women often briefly discuss one point and quickly move on to another. This “stream of consciousness” style of relating is very comfortable to us. We think out loud. When we talk with our women friends, speaking in half sentences is the rule. Our friends follow along without blinking an eye. They fill in the blanks effortlessly. We expect this sort of understanding with our friends and we’re rarely disappointed.

But here comes the problem. We talk to our men as if they are our women friends- but they’re not. Guys can’t fill in the blanks. If we switch topics midstream, halfway through the second topic, they don’t hear a word we’re saying because they’re trying to figure out what topic one has to do with topic two. They get lost easily, and when they do, boy, do they get angry. “You’re so illogical!” they inform us. “Why can’t you ever stay on one subject at a time?” Sometimes they say worse things. Then we think they’re being obstinate because we can’t, for the life of us, understand why they can’t understand…but they cant.

If your man has criticized you for jumping from topic to topic, here’s what you need to do. Prior to your discussion, plan one or two points you want to make. It might help for you to write down your points in short sentences. You might even rehearse your lines before you approach him. When you start talking, make sure he understands point one before you move on to point two. Then, prior to switching topics, it’s helpful to say, “I’m changing topics now. I’m on to something different.” This will make the transition a lot smoother for him.

Okay. That’s the jumping-around thing. What about the business of talking about feelings? Why do guys get off track when we talk about feelings? When men are unhappy about something, they try to identify the problem and then quickly want to figure out what to do about it. They’re not interested in “wallowing around” in discussions about feelings. To them, that’s a waste of time. Get the issues out on the table and start fixing them. To us, talking about feelings is anything but a wast of time.

I’ve worked with many couples who have gotten stuck because of this difference between men and women. She identifies a problem and starts talking about her feelings. He can handle listening to her discuss the nature of the problem, but when she expounds on her feelings about, she loses him. And because she senses he’s lost, she keeps explaining her feelings rather than identifying potential solutions. This makes him crazy.

The point to remember is that if your man keeps telling you that you’re losing him or you’re repeating yourself, it may mean that all he wants is the facts, just the facts, ma’am. If you want something from him, make an effort to be more succinct. Describe the issue, tell him what you want, and talk less about your feelings. It might help.

Talking Tip #3: Notify him if you want to discuss feelings.
Sometimes, you want to share your feelings with your man. After all, why be in a relationship if you can’t talk about your feelings, right? Then why is it that every time you talk about negative feelings, even if it has nothing to do with him, it ends up in a fight? I can tell you why this happens and what you can do about it.

Guys have an incredible need to fix things that are broken. When you talk about feeling sad or unhappy, he thinks you’re broken and that he needs to do something about it. So when you start talking about being concerned about your job, the kids, your weight, other family members, he thinks he needs to give you a solution. He believes that’s what you want from him. He starts telling you what to do, and you get furious. You think he’s not listening. You think he’s not caring. You believe he just wants the conversation to be over. Because if he did care, you tell yourself, he would give you empathy, not advice. You get angry at him. And he gets even angrier, because from his perspective, he’s helping and you’re not appreciating him. So you end up mad at each other. Sound familiar?

Well, the good news is that you can talk about feelings, even negative ones, but you have to give him directions first. Prior to discussing your emotions, tell him, “I just want to talk to you about something I’m feeling. It doesn’t have anything to do with us and you don’t need to fix it. I just want to share my feelings with you. So just listen.” Most guys will go along with the program if they know the rules. And once they know that “just listening” is really doing something, they feel they’ve been helpful. This will satisfy their urge to fix things, after all.

Talking Tip #4: Start softly
Sometimes the negative feelings you’re experiencing have something to do with your partner. And, believe it or not, you can talk to him about these feelings, too, if you get off to a good start. Psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., has done some very interesting research on couples’ communication patterns. One of the characteristics of conversations that go well is something he refers to as “a soft start.” Some say that the outcome of a chess game can be dictated by the first move. Gottman would probably say that this metaphor also applies to conversations between loved ones.

A soft start simply means that you approach your partner gently. You don’t want him to feel attacked, even if you’re angry about something. For example, if your man was insensitive at a party and said some things that embarrassed you, although you might feel like clobbering him verbally, it’s not in your best interests to do so. You should start your conversation by saying something like “you probably really didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but something you said last night didn’t sit right with me.” Or “Maybe I’m off base here, but I found something you said last night kind of confusing. Could you help me out with this?” If you’ve been going round and round about housework, instead of saying, “I want to talk to you about something. I’m so sick and tired of doing everything around here,” you might try softening the blow a bit. Try “You know, I really love you and I can’t stand al this fighting we’ve been doing about the housework. Let’s find some solution we can both live with.”

Even if your conversation gets more heated as time progresses, research shows that if you start softly, you’ll end up in a better place. So get yourself into a good frame of mind before you tackle hard issues. Don’t approach your man until you can genuinely begin your conversation with something he won’t mind hearing. If he feels attacked from the start, he’ll spend the rest of the time defending himself, and that’s not what you want. A soft start will lower his defenses and make it more likely that he’ll listen to you and take in what you have to say.

Talking Tip #5: Say what you want.
Two crucial aspects of goal setting include thinking about what you want versus what you’re unhappy about and being concrete. These principles apply to conversations with your man as well. If you talk about those things that make you unhappy – “You always ignore me” – you’re bound to have more trouble than if you discuss what you want him to do instead – “I really would like to spend a half hour each evening talking together.” If you talk in negative terms, as far as he’s concerned, you’re nagging. He hates that and he’ll tune you out or resist. Positive statements, ones that say what you want, are not viewed as nagging. They’re requests for change, and to him that’s a whole lot better than complaints.

In addition to stating what you want in positive terms, it pays to be concrete. Instead of saying, “I want you to be a better love,” which may be Greek to your man, say, “when we make love, I’d like you to start by kissing me, make eye contact with me, and spend more time touching parts of my body other than my genitals,” and so on. Men are much more responsive when things are spelled out in black and white. So before you approach your partner with anything important, do a self-check. Make sure what you’re about to say is positively worded, specific, and action-oriented.

Talking Tip #6: Say what you mean.
Men need for women to be positive, specific, and have our words accurately reflect what we mean. That’s because they’re so damn literal. That’s why when you’re saying, “We don’t spend time together anymore, ” instead of understanding that you’re missing him and you’d like to be together, he’ll dissect your sentence to bits. “What do you mean that we don’t spend time together anymore? You mean we never spend time together? You mean we never see each other anymore? What exactly do you mean?” Isn’t it frustrating when that happens? It sure is. But that’s the way their minds work. They’re just literal beings.

Jim, our daughter Danielle, and I were out to dinner the other evening. The waiter came over to our table. Jim asked him, “Do you ever eat here?” After inordinately long time, he said, “Yes.” I didn’t quite understand what was so tough about Jim’s question, but what happened next made his long silence more understandable. The waiter asked if he could take our order, and we told him that we were ready. Before making a final decision, Jim asked, “How do you like the veal?” and again, after a few moments, the waiter replied, “Well done. I’ve served it medium rare-a few times, but it’s too juicy for my taste.” I had to stop myself from chuckling. Obviously, Jim wanted to know whether or not the waiter liked the veal, not how thoroughly he liked it cooked. But the waiter didn’t have a clue because he was so literal. In fact, I realized why the waiter hesitated when Jim asked, “Do you ever eat here?” He must have thought that Jim was asking whether he ate at that particular table! Oh, well, what can you expect. He’s a guy.

If you don’t want your discussions sidetracked, be careful to say what you mean. Don’t exaggerate to illustrate your point, or your point will get lost . Be simple and direct and remember that he is going to take you literally.

Talking Tip #7: Heed his effort to make amends.
John Gottman also noticed that in healthy relationships, one person often reverses the flow of negative communication by attempting to say something conciliatory. Then the other person acknowledges it and becomes more conciliatory in return. For instance, after fighting for a while, one person might say, “Well, I suppose there’s something to what you’re saying” or “I think we both do that [admitting culpability]. Hearing the attempt to diffuse anger, the other person might make a U-turn and be more positive in kind. In unhealthy relationships, if one person says, “I admit it, you’re right about that,” the other person might be so angry he or she will be oblivious to the comment and just keep going. In other words, repair attempts go unnoticed.

A word to the wise. If you and your partner are in the midst of a heated conversation and he says something even mildly positive, acknowledge it. Any effort on his part to get things back on track is effort worth reinforcing. You want to catch him in the act of getting it right – being conciliatory – and underlining it, remember? Don’t allow the heat of the moment to deter you from doing what will be more helpful to you in the long run. The next time you have a fight, listen very carefully to what your partner is saying. Look for the small signs that he’s trying to make up with you.

Talking Tip #8: Acknowledge his position and feelings.
The premier communication principle is this: Seek to understand before you seek to be understood. When people feel understood, they’re much more cooperative and conciliatory. When couples argue, most of the time it’s a debate about who’s right and who’s wrong. Neither person is really listening. We’re too intent on making our points. Little effort is put into trying to make sense of the other person’s point of view. That’s when conversations get very destructive.

One of the most common things to occur when we don’t acknowledge our partners’ perspectives is that they won’t acknowledge ours. We all keep repeating ourselves over and over in hopes we’ll finally get through. Good luck. When I do seminars, I tell people, “If for some perverted reason you wanted your partner to keep repeating himself over and over, I have the fail-proof formula. Don’t acknowledge what he’s saying. Just keep repeating your point over and over.”

If you’re someone who can’t believe how stubbornly your man clings to his way of looking at things, I’m going to tell you something that works like magic during heated confrontations. If you want your partner to cooperate with you, to understand your point of view, to appreciate how you might be feeling about something, there are two things you need to do.

The first: Really listen to what he’s saying. Now you might be wondering what I mean by that. I’m not just saying that you hear the words that are being spoken, I’m saying that you truly try to understand your partner’s point of view. put yourself into his shoes. You don’t have to agree with his opinion, but you should make a concerted effort to understand why he might be feeling that way.

The second step: Tell your partner that you understand what he’s saying. Check out whether he thinks you grasp his point. Agitated people often become calm, conciliatory, and cooperative when they feel understood. But there’s another reason that acknowledging your partner’s point of view often leads to more positive outcomes. There is one all-too-common problem-solving strategy that I see repeated more than any other – doing more of the same. When we keep stating our position over and over, that’s exactly what we’re doing – more of the same. But when we acknowledge our partners’ points of view, not only are we demonstrating that we understand them, we’re also stopping a bad habit. We’re doing something different.

Some time ago, my husband and I were out to dinner and we were having a really pleasant time when I decided to discuss the purchasing of a new car. Although I felt certain that I had finally decided what kind of car I wanted, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss my decision with him. I had tentatively decided on a sedan that was a bit more upscale than my usual style. When I shared my choice with him, he immediately suggested I get a more practical car, like a Jeep.

Oddly enough, although I’m not particularly picky about the kind of car I drive, the more he favored practicality, the more I leaned toward overindulgence. As our conversation got more heated, I realized we were ruining a perfectly lovely evening together, and I also realized that, down deep, I don’t care all that much about cars, I just like reliable transportation.

So, at the peak of our dialogue I turned to him and said, “You know, I can see your point. Given my lifestyle and my driving needs, a practical car makes more sense,” and kept right on eating my dinner. After six seconds of silence, he looked at me and, referring to the car that I had originally picked out for myself, said, “Okay. Did you pick out the color you want? I’ll go get it for you.”

Once he said that, something mysterious happened. I didn’t care at all what kind of car I bought. All I knew was that it felt great that he was considering my feelings. And I know why he so – he felt good that I had considered his.

If you’ve ever felt your partner is stubborn and that arguments have gotten blow up way out of proportion, it may be because you and your partner have ignored this one little rule: Conflict resolution begins the moment people feel understood. Listening is an act of loving, and when you give love, you’ll get love in return.

Talking Tip #9: Ignore the zingers.
Unless they’re attorneys, men complain that their women are so much more adept at arguing than they are. Many men feel women run circles around them verbally. To even out the score, guys often throw zingers. Zingers are sarcastic comments that don’t feel very good to say the least. If you want your conversation to go downhill at lightning speed, throw a zinger right back at him.

But I say, you be the big one. Know that the main reason he’s hurling a hurtful comment at you is that he feels threatened in some way. He’s trying to protect himself, and although being mean isn’t a healthy or fair way to protect oneself, for that moment it’s his way. But regardless of what he does or says, you have a choice. You can stoop to his level or you can take the high road. To take the high road, you can do a number of things, the most obvious of which is to just ignore him and keep going. If you’re new to this ignoring thing, he’ll be surprised that he didn’t push your button, and he might even challenge you again. Throwing zingers is only one of many ways he tries to derail you. He has other methods for pushing your buttons. By now, you should know what they are. That’s when it takes a great deal of self control to deflect his comments. But it can be done. Once he sees he’s not getting you to react, he’ll eventually stop testing you. Regardless of his method of choice, always remember that ignore him will work in your favor.

When you ignore his zingers, you’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll feel as if your life is in your control. This is all really good stuff, but there’s also icing on the cake. You should notice that by detouring around his zingers, your arguments won’t get destructive. In fact, they might even be productive. It may not happen overnight, but if you’re patient, eventually he should come around.

Now maybe you’re thinking, “Michele, that sounds like a good idea, but how in the world do I stop myself from blasting him if he’s nasty to me?” First of all, you have to feel convinced that it’s your choice. I already told you that you’re in charge of what you say, no matter what he says to you and no matter how his zingers make you feel. Even if you’re furious, you still have to decide what you do about it. Feelings don’t force us to act certain ways. We decide how we’re going to act and react.

Second, you probably know exactly when he’s about to spout something ridiculous or hurtful. My guess is that you even know what he’s going to say. Being able to predict this stuff doesn’t lessen the sting when it happens, but it does prepare you for its occurrence. And since you know it’s coming, you can take a deep breath, count to three (or one hundred, if you have to), and calmly continue with what you were saying before he interrupted. Just keep telling yourself, “Don’t react. It’s not worth it.” If you really set your mind to it, you can do it. I know you can. Remember, you’re changing your steps in the dance of conflict to get better results!

Talking Tip #10: Take a time-out
Have you and your partner ever been in a heated conversation and in the midst of things, your man checks out? His eyes glaze over. He stops talking. He looks away. He utters, “You’re right, you’re always right. I’m always wrong.” All meaningful conversation comes to an abrupt halt. Or in the middle of an emotionally charged discussion, does he walk out of the room or leave the house? There’s a name for what your man is doing. Researchers John Gottman and Robert Levenson call it “stonewalling.” Lots of men do it. And when I tell you why, you’ll probably be surprised.

The researchers asked the couples to discuss a major area of disagreement in their marriage. Throughout their conversations, these couples were videotaped and monitored for physiological arousal. Heart rate, blood velocity, skin conductance, and gross motor movements were tracked. The data suggested that during conflict, men become significantly more aroused physiologically than women. This allows women to tolerate longer, escalating rounds of conflict. Men need to lower their arousal because if they don’t, they might feel overwhelmed and lose control. Stonewalling protects both partners from this sort of escalation. Furthermore, it takes men longer than women to recover from being worked up physiologically.

Even though you now know there are physiological reasons for your man’s tuning you out, you may not feel any better about him when he does it. But you should know that he’s not doing it to make you angry, he’s trying to soothe himself. He needs the downtime. Since many men really do need time to de-escalate, it’s often helpful to build in a time-out period when you have heated discussion.

If you see your partner stonewalling, you can suggest that you stop talking about things for a while. You may decide to separate or just do something entirely different. You can have a predetermined time-out period, or you can make it more open-ended. If it’s open-ended, wait a while and then ask your partner if he’s ready to talk. Honor his feedback, and if he’s not quite ready, set another appointment to finish your conversation. Or, if you’d like, decide that you’ve gone as far as you will go on that particular subject and drop it.

You may think that instituting a time-out period during heated debates is too artificial for you. That’s okay. The most important thing for you to remember is that if your man walks out of the room or tells you to leave him alone for a while, there’s a good reason for it. He’s not just being difficult. He needs to settle down. Your conversations will not be a good one if you keep going when he’s highly agitated. So whatever you do, don’t pursue him no matter how angry you are. A time-out period can give both of you a chance to clear your heads and approach each other in a more level-headed manner. Give it a shot.

Talking Tip #11: To cry or not to cry, that is the question.
A short but sweet tip. Some women tell me that when they’re arguing and they become emotional and cry, their partners tune them out, get angry, or leave the room. Other women say that their tears make their men soften. So I have a suggestion: Once again, keep your eyes on the cheese. If your becoming emotional- crying, being sad, looking despondent – triggers your man to be more sensitive to you, then let it all hang out. If your emotional side makes him become less cooperative and angry, get a grip. Let your feelings out with a good friend instead. I’m not saying you should manufacture feelings or pretend you don’t have feelings when you do, but I’m suggesting that you keep your end goal in mind no matter what you’re feeling.

Talking Tip #12: Unless he’s deaf, he heard you.
It took me lots of years to figure this one out, and I want to spare you the exasperation. Long ago, when Jim and I argued about something, I would keep at it until he either agreed or acknowledged what I was saying. More often than not, I didn’t get what I was looking for. I had chronic frustration. But as I got older and wiser, I noticed something interesting. Even though Jim didn’t agree with me (in fact, he usually vehemently disagreed with me), in the days that followed, his behavior changed. He started doing what I asked of him.

That’s when I realized that my microscope was too narrowly focused. I was looking for understanding and cooperation within the time frame of our conversation only. If he didn’t verbally commit to pleasing me, I felt I hadn’t gotten through to him and I was angry. Since I now know that, even if he tells me I’m crazy and that there’s no way in hell he’s going to do something, I don’t jump to any conclusions. I know from years of experience that when he’s had a chance to cool down, he might just change that stubborn little mind of his. He often does.

If your man is fanatical about self-determination like Jim, it’s much more likely that he’ll come around after you’ve stopped trying to convince him. Then if he complies, he’s doing it because he wants to, not because you told him to. He’s saving face. So don’t think if you haven’t reached an agreement during your talk with him that he isn’t listening or hasn’t heard. Unless he’s deaf, he hears you. Stop pressing your point (and don’t feel bad about it); step back for a few days and watch for signs that he’s mellowing. Be patient. Guys are slow learners. It takes time for good ideas to catch on.

So now you’re armed with lots of tools for influencing the man in your life to be a better partner. And when he’s less than wonderful and you need to talk with him about it, you can make your life easier by taking the talking tips to heart.

ugh...I've blow them ALL.

What's your experience?

Sg

Very wise words of advice - and as to your quote - that is the ONLY path to healing in my opinion - glad to see a DB coach that promotes what TRUE love really is

Ok SG, I'll take the bait! How are you doing it?

Very true.



Ladies, read and re-reread that sentence that I've underlined and emboldened. Read it often until it's tattooed on your brains.

Giving us a verbal tirade, a stream of incessant talking won't get us to act or to do what you want us to do. If it does appear to "work" we'll do it grudgingly and resentfully. Trying to "work on us" really won't cut it. If we do something then it has to be our idea.

If you really want to influence us, the way Michele details it will be very effective.

If my wife wants me to fix something in the house or do something I've already agreed to do, all she needs to do is start doing it and it's enough to get me to spring out of my seat and take over.

When my Mum wanted us to get a new car when we were growing up, rather than ask Dad for one outright (a Land Rover Discovery 4x4) she worked on him subtly over a period of a few weeks. Then he went out and got one thinking he had had a great idea when it was really Mum's subtle and loving influence that had done it.

Michele's post couldn't be more right.

Seriously, how ARE you doing it?

Good article. Did all of them wrong. Unfortunately when neither person in a marriage has any communication skills and avoids confrontation at all costs the final cost is your M.

I think these tips should be printed and handed to all couples at their engagement party. It might help lower the divorce rate.

This is excellent. I need to focus on these tips.