Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not sure I can keep going?

Hey Punchy,

Hear you about V-Day, I spent all my focus on the kids and I did nothing for my W, she in turn did absolutely nothing for me - just like I expected.

It's weird how your able to "watch" their sitch, and like you said I imagine it gives you more peace of mind than not knowing - and personally I would feel better about that as well as long as you can avoid confronting your W about specific things.

I like what you did with the calendar, that's hilarious.

Nice to see some things happening for you (even if they are small) than give you hope or at least keep you feeling optimistic.

BITS
SIC

Hey SIC...

The "watching" thing is kinda weird. At this point I am beyond wanting to confront her about specific things. The only thing I would confront her about would be the EA taking off again. If I saw signs of that I would have to take it up directly with her.

Whats really strange is seeing my wife use either in her emails to me, or in our discussions, phrases that the OM uses in his emails to her. Not sure if this is a good sign or not??? I started using them as well just for fun!

It also allows me to get a sense of where my wife is at with the R. For a period of time after I confronted her about the EA, her emails to me where all matter of fact, cold and straight to the point. Her emails to her co-workers were all full of humour and warmth etc. Lately her emails to me have taken on the same look and feel as those to her co-workers so I have that as a positive sign as well.

In the situation that we are in, we keep looking for any positive signs that things maybe changing, but have to not get excited if we do come across something.

Another week has come and gone. Its been 4 weeks since I have gone "dim" and there has been no change in my wife's behaviour that I can detect. She is still in this no-man's land place. Doesn't want to leave the marriage but at the same time doesn't want to work on it.

I am just laying low, being positive, helpful and supportive wherever possible. Wife is so detached from the family, she doesn't want to do anything together. I have not asked her to do anything with just the 2 of us in over in a year. She also has no interest in any family related activities. My daughter just had a Birthday and my wife has made no effort to arrange either the kids party or family party. Whenever I bring up the subject, she just ignores the discussion. She also has no interest in attending any of the kids sporting activities.

Not being able to talk about the R is like living with an elephant in the room. Everyone knows the issue is there, but no one can talk about it. I find that this is the most challenging of the DB'ing approaches.

It will be 3 months next week since I confronted her about the EA and total silence from her on the issue since then.

Each day that passes, I have less and less feelings for her and am beginning to see her as someone that I could live without.

Punchy, it sounds like depression. There does come a point when drastic measures must be taken for the good of your family IMHO.

This situation is not healthy for you and is not healthy for your children. It has gone on long enough IMO...

Tough love is not just for children!

Good luck my friend...

When I confronted her about the EA, she stated that she was very depressed. With the EA ended, I am sure that she is even more depressed. You would never know it by her overall behaviour. On the outside she is not projecting anything that would make you think she was feeling down.

Just not sure how much longer I should let this go on and how I should go about addressing it. We don't engage any of our families because of where she is at and we do nothing socially with our friends either. All of this because of the fog that she is in.

I understand completely Punchy. When I told my W to stop her EA or leave, she stopped the EA. But she was very depressed. I would peek in the shower and watch her cry. Truth be told, I didn't feel bad for her at all. She did wrong and was paying the consequences. That was 5 months ago...

It is so much better now. We are a couple again. We have fun every day and don't take one another for granted.

And I tell you this, if it ever happens again we are done! And I will never be friends with her but I will be friendly.

We each decide how much we can take. My threshold is short. I refuse to be cheated on. I don't need a friend, roommate or buddy. I need a wife. That's the position that is available to the person I married. And with that position comes certain expectations. That's what I'm looking for. That's who I want to love and cherish and support...

She choices if she wants to fill the position. If she does not want to then all I can do is move on.

She chose to stay. And that's good for BOTH of us. Not just me! Her too...

You are worthy of more then you're getting Punchy. We all are!

Thanks for the info. How long did it take for your wife to move on from the EA? Did she ever apologize for her EA? The other frustrating thing for me is that my wife has never shown any remorse for her actions.

I am like you, if she ever restarts the EA or has another one in the future then she is done. She has had her one chance and I have my limits on how much I can take.

What up Punch... My W started EA in early August and finally told me about it after my prodding in early October. She ended it sometime in October. It was painful for her. The "fog" made her feel "in love". This guy is 32 years old. NO WAY is he actually going to take care of a 39 year old woman with two kids. And I think she knows it. He would have had some fun for a few months and moved on. I'm sure he liked her but when fantasy turns reality, things are a whole lot different...

No she never apologized for what she did. Mostly cause she thought we were done. And I gave her every reason to think that. In fact, I told her I was done! And I was done!

Like you I too wanted an apology. Let it go Punchy. If things work out your W will show you that she is sorry and that will be good enough.

Mine is showing me and it's awesome!

Right now all you can do is what is best for Punchy and all the little Punchys. Your W wants to be on her own... SHE THINKS!!! So let her and see how far she gets...

The grass IS NOT greener... And she will see that!

Interesting. My wife is 47 and the OM is 42 and divorced. Like your situation, I am not sure how excited he would have been to take on 3 young kids. I think that once their bubble was burst and reality set in, they realized things were going to be a whole lot different then the fantasy world they were living in.

My wife's EA went on for over a year from what I can tell, so I imagine it will take her sometime to get over it. I would prefer actions over an apology and hopefully she can move in that direction. Time will tell whether or not she can re-invest in our marriage.

A year is a long time... The hardest thing for me Punchy is this...

I MAKE THE MONEY...

So she saw him with the car I pay for
So she emailed him from the computer I paid for
She texted him from the phone I pay for

Very f'ing frustrating and hurtful!

I do understand my roll in the demise of our marriage but there is no excuse for cheating...

If she had had sex with OM, then al bets would have been off... She would have been done..

But as it stands things are good..

The odd thing for me is that women started to hit on me. It's like they can smell a single or available or vulnerable man... Very odd...

Was I close to taking a bite of the fruit? Yup!

Did I? Nope... And that was with the help of these boards and the great people here...

When all you want is love, and someone is willing to give you something that looks like love, it's hard to resist.. Really measures your character!