Can I just say that I love it when you say "16 mos of separation." It just gives me hope. During your separation, did your H talk to you? I am just trying to give him time to realize what he is doing.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Throughout our separation we talked on the phone. In the begining, unfortunately, it was mostly me making the initiative. I think if I had been able to call him less, I would have gotten results quicker!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with the 16 months. It's now something I'm quite proud of. I used to believe that I'd break if I spent more than 2 weeks away from him. So, knowing that I can spend 16 months and be happier and stronger for it is something I'm very proud of!
There was one month in which I was really angry at him. The anger hit me hard. I used that anger to go dark on him for a month. After that month, when I finally cooled off, I called him. It was obvious from his voice that he was happy to hear from me and he asked me for a date.
So, for someone like me who was clinging and needy, going dark really was the best thing I could have done.
After that I continued to do my best to wait for him to call me, rather than me contacting him. Each time he called me I praised him. Told him "I am so happy you called, thank you!"
I kept my conversations happy, upbeat and short.
And after some time, he was calling me more and more often.
We also had more and more dates.
After about a year of separation (I think) it became obvious to me that he was happy with me. But he wasn't ready to take the chance and move back in with me.
I told him several times over that final 6 months that I was at the end of my rope. That he needed to make a decision. And I would be happy with either one. And I meant it. His response to this was always, "Divorce is rather drastic, don't you think?" Lol. I responded, "So is being separated for a year." Silly Monkey.
So, it was a long process with lots of fear on his part. But we are both much happier now.
1> He told me that the girl called him to complain that none of her friends hang out with her anymore. He told her he was sorry. He said that his time was very limited due to his commute and long work hours and that his first priority was his wife. !!!! Happy Tears !!!!
2> He told me that he spoke to her and what their conversation was about. This shows me that he trusts me to trust him, and is such a caring and loving thing for him to do.
3> He kissed me goodbye yesterday morning. This is such a small thing that really makes my day start out wonderful! I love it!
I always knew during the separation that any intimacy would be a sign that he was officially back with me.
We were intimate one time before moving in together again. I don't remember exact dates, but from what I remember, we were intimate and then began making plans to move back in together soon after.
Of course, when he first told me he wanted out of our marriage, he said that even sleeping in my bed was inappropriate.
Near the end of our separation, he spent the night with me, without intimacy quite a few times before he made that move.
In fact, I used to constantly obsess over it before we separated.
Not a path that I want to walk again, as I'm positive that my obsessing pushed him away.
The one person whom I was worried about being an OW, the girl, he's assured me was not. That there was never anything romantic between them.
At this point, I'm sure if I asked him if there was ever anyone else, I'm sure he'd tell me the truth.
But I don't want to know...
But, I've honestly not seen any 'evidence' of it.
Perhaps I'm being naive.
I did ask him when we began to date again if there was anyone. He answered me, "Well, if there was one, you'd have the right to know that, that'd be something I'd have to tell you. Don't you agree?"
And I answered, "Yes."
And that's the closest he's come to coming straight out and saying there was never anyone else.
Now I know there are people on this BB who will probably look at my situation and say, "Yes, there was someone else involved."
But I don't know...and don't care. Don't want to know as it would only hurt me.
Gee, Kitti...I guess this is a huge can of worms for me.
I'm sorry I can't give you a straight answer. But my gut says, no there wasn't one.
I'd say the reason for our separation was my undiagnosed depression and my absolute lack of a life and my smothering him, trying to make him my entire world.
I also didn't trust him, was disrespectful and couldn't hold a job.
I wasn't doing anything to improve my life, only barely surviving in the black hole I was in.
Now, I've held a job (in one form or another ) at the University for over a year now.
I am making my own life. I try to show him daily that I trust and respect him.
And I've gotten to the point where I'm in depression maintenance. Sticking to low carb really helps keep the depression away for me.
So, in a huge way, his leaving me forced me to change.
I was diagnosed for depression after I ended up in the hospital the first time he tried to leave. They put me on Zoloft. I was on Zoloft for a year, learned how 'normal' feels. I was taking 150 a day, and then slowly weaned off it with my Doctors help. I had to wean off slowly as each time I stepped the dosage down, I'd start to see 'trails'. If I waved my hand in front of my face, I'd see 'echos' of my hand passing in front of my eyes. Not fun. Took me about 6 months to completely wean off as I waited until the 'trails' stopped before stepping down to the next dosage level.
And now, I quickly put on the brakes when I feel myself sliding back into that black hole.
) at the University for over a year now. 