Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Young Couple with WAW

iwllbd1,
There you go, buddy. Your first positive signs. Feels good, doesn't it? Don't take the "bait" to fight with them. They want to fight so bad so that they can feel good about themselves. You have just executed your first successful DB move. Nice job, my man. You should be proud. Now, keep it up. She thinks she knows all about you and what makes you tick. It is time to pull a "switch-a-roo" on her. Make her start to wonder who you really are and what is going on. Remember, women are attracted to intrigue.

As for her "I am pissed at you then I am not" mood swings, that is the standard operating procedure of a WAS. My wife did it to me numerous times. When things wouldn't go her way, BOOM, she would explode. When I would calmly point out to her that I was trying my best, she would then relent and suddenly become friendly. That is just what they do. So accept it and don't let it bother you. You are the better person here.

Hang in there!!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

Do you see yourself as a button-pusher? I just wondered since you knew this type of behavior was very frustrating to her then why would you purposely continue doing it?

Anyway, you will learn that you cannot replace the wrongs "now" that you did in the past. You cannot successfully apologize now for what's already been done. Oh, you can try, but it will not carry weight with her. Those things will seem like you are smothering, or tail kissing, and it won't have the desired results.

This WAW who is in an affair--is different from the woman you M. What would have worked with her in the past...won't work now. B/c in her mind, she is done with you. She has her focus on another man now. She is caught up in a fantasy.

So, what are you willing to do to save your M? Without naming your W & D, what are the three most important things in your life?

I did feel that it was off the track of DBing to bring up how good I've been about answering her calls. She needs to notice on her own. I look weak by pointing it out to her.

If this is what you mean, excluding my W and D, the three most important things in my life are:

1) Piece of mind. I want to be able to rest at the end of the day. Right now I feel as if I never stop, I am so exhausted

2) Keep our home. I have move a lot in my life and want to just be able to have a consistent home. My W and I used to talk about that a lot. Her life has been similar to mine and I know she is tired of moving too. We both love this house and even though she won't admit it now, it would kill her if our house sold.

3) I want to feel a zest for life again! I used to love getting up in the morning. Now I have trouble finding motivation to do anything. It has been getting better since I began my 180/LRT but still nowhere near were I want to be

BITS

iwllbd1,
All solid goals. Keep them in mind each day as you move through your life. Heck, I might adopt them myself.

Keep posting. Hang in there!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

Okay, you answered three things you want:

#1 Peace - That's a good answer. Don't know your age but usually an older person or someone who has been through a lot of crisis says they want peace in their life. Sometimes peace comes at a high price, but I'm sure you realize that. Sometimes our choice to exclude the drama in our lives depends upon our choices and not what others decide. So when making small or big choices....think of this #1 goal.

I do have a question about how important peace is to you. In the past, have you more or less let your W have her way about things b/c it was easier.....and it kept the peace?

#2 Keep your Home - By what you said, I assume you mean the house you have right now. I moved around a lot when I was growing up, so I also identify with what you say. However, don't confuse a home with a house. Could you afford this house without her help?

#3 Zest for Life - Almost evvry person on this board, and the doctors will tell you to get on a exercise program that has a lot of movement like playing ball, running, swimming, etc. Eating a good nutritional diet and sleeping well is criticial. Keeping a good PMA is really the best thing of all. All of these things determine a zesty life or not.

So, you can control most of this, right?

I believe if you made yourself some daily steps to accomplish these three things, you would begin to see results in these areas.

First off I can't believe I spell peace wrong...bonehead!! Haha

I am only 28 but have been on the go my whole life. I joined the af when I was 17. I have been to most of the states and 18 different countries including quatar for the iraq war and afghanistan. I spent 6 yrs in the af. I loved every minute of it. Afterward I took a job that had me gone from home a lot. In fact I never even had a place to unpack my thing until a year and a half after I got out of the service. I would just stay by ppl like my folks. This is also when I started dating my now W. I took a different job and we bought a house. We stayed there for couple of yrs. I used the gi bill to get a degree. We then sold the house and moved down by her family. We lived with my MIL until we bought this house.

I am so tired of being on the go. I might be able to afford this house on my own but really have no interest in keeping it without her. We bought this house together and I see her everywhere in it. Its only home with my family in it. I used to sleep so sound at night and until now always took for granted the reason why. At that time I had the things that truly give a man peace of mind...a roof over our heads, my D2 asleep in her crib and the love of my life sleeping with her head on my chest. God I miss those days!!

I am "putting my boots back on" as my uncle has put it.
My diet has improved, I am getting better sleep, joined the gym a couple of months ago, and have been getting back to the friends I neglected when I felt my wife slipping away and followed her around like a damn dog. I have just put in new basement windows and ordered some lumber so I can continue to remodel my basement like we were planning. I am even getting prices on putting a deck on in the spring. I have had ppl tell me this is foolish since my house is on the market bbut I just tell them my name is still on the title and I'm gonna teeat it that way, not wait around for the ax to drop! Also I do most of the work myself and it really keeps my mind off the sitch. I guess it helps keep me centered

BITS

Well my friends, my wife texted me that she thought the outfit I put our D2 was so cute. We also talked about our mortgage payment. I was about to text when she called. We started with talk about a couple of bills but the conversation spread to many topics including cooking, our D2, and the upcoming storm. We even laughed and joked a little. Since we separated she did admit to me once about a month and a half ago that she missed my since of humor, I could always make her laugh.

I saw my W tonite for the first time in a month. One of us drops our D2 off at day-care and the other picks her up. With huge snow storm we got, my W, who lives with her mother, stayed home from work. I went to work and afterwards went to get my D2. I walked in and saw her dressing my D2 in her snowpants. She was still in her pj's but her hair had been done and she had just a little make-up on. I like to believe this was for me. We chatted litely as she finished dressing our D2. Even exchanged some pleasant smiles. My god am I married to the most beautiful woman alive! I want so bad to have her to curl up with tonite. I didn't stay long, but wasn't rude.

Tomorrow night we are getting our taxes done together. I made sure it was late enough so that I can have time to shower and be fresh when I see her. Something this simple has me so excited, just to see her. I'll let you all know how it goes. I'm hoping to have enough money from taxes to maybe get a DB coach. Please keep the advice coming friends

BITS

Advice... stay focused on being upbeat and the new you when you see your W tomorrow night. Stay focused on what you have learned here. Do NOT bring up the R.

Sounds like you have seen your first baby steps iw. Keep workin man. You are dong just fine!

BITS
Denver

Well my evening didn't quite go as planned. We met at the tax place. The meeting was actually going well. We were talking and laughing a little while the guy got our numbers crunched. Like everyone else we were hoping for a nice return. That's when the bomb hit us. We owed federal and state wasn't very much. All said and done we about broke even. Money has always put a lot of stress on us. Tax time was always good to us and provided some much needed relief. To have it fall so short this year, was beyond disappointing. We left in a totally different attitude. Got into our cars and went to separate places. We began texting about what a huge disappointment this was. My W told me that she cried almost all the way home. This tore me apart. Just feels like more gas on the fire. I'm applying for a part-time job today. Finances need to become a back-burner issue, not so controling in our marriage. I think it is hard for her to think about us when she is so stressed about money and work.

Here is a poem that my grandfather wrote on June 7, 1930

You say the world is gloomy,
The skies are grim and gray,
The night has lost it's quiet,
You fear the coming day.

The world is what you make it
The sky is gray or blue
Just as your sole may find it
It isn't the world...it's you!

Clear up the clouded vision,
Clean out the foggy mind,
The clouds are always parting
And each is silver lined.

The world is what you make it
Then make it bright and true
And when you say it's gloomy
It isn't the world.... it's you

BITS

Thanks for sharing your grandfather's poem IW. It is very true. I'm going to quote from a post you put on my thread and respond here. I don't mind at all if you post on my thread, but you really need to keep regularly posting on your's so that you can get others' input. Also, if you post regularly, it will become easier bc your posts will show up immediately.



My sitch is over yet, not over by a long shot. But yes, I'm seeing some positives. I hope that my story can eventually be one that others look to to find hope in their own situations.

IF you have this conversation with your W, this is what you need to do, ok?

1) LISTEN to your W... Listen, listen, listen, then listen some more!!

2) Agree with with her. I'm not saying on everything, but find something to agree with her on.

3) VALIDATE what she is saying... how she feels. The easiest way to do this, is to say "I understand how you feel W. I agree. I screwed up" Or whatever fits what she is saying. If she tells you that the moon is made of chocolate, say that you understand and that you agree.

4) If you don't agree, I'd suggest that you not contradict. Just say that you understand that she feels that way.

5) When you are done agreeing and validating, go back to number 1 and listen some more.

This is not the time for you to be putting your issues with the M or W out there. I would completely stay away from the topic of the OM. DON'T bring it up!!

The first time that I spoke to my W with the above rules in effect, I must have told her that I understood how and why she felt a certain way 20 times. She even made a comment about it... something like "is that all that you can say? That you understand how I feel?"

I just told her that that's all I could say. That I did FINALLY understand why she was unhappy in M. That sometimes it takes a devastating even for us to really get something and that now I got it!

Keep reviewing the DB stuff man. It is working for me and it may just work for you too!

And keep posting so some of the other BITS can get invested in your sitch.

BITS
Denver