Part of me is disgusted that I let him talk to me like that. I am starting to feel picked on. This is how I grew up. I escaped that many, many years ago. To be re-living it, is really not cool.
I worry about the example I am setting for my children.
I resented the he!! out of my mom when I had children. How on earth did she not love us enough to shield us from his venom? I don't want my kids to feel that way about me and I don't want them to suffer with that for themselves.
Will my son think it's ok for his wife to do everything for him?
Will my daughter's think that they are responsible for everything from the driveway back?
Will my kids think it's ok to talk to their spouses this way?
I'm torn.
Setting boundaries might be good for me, but kill my marriage. Which, I still believe can be saved.
I feel like no matter which way I turn there is no easy answer nor solution that is not going to have very uncomfortable consequences.
Do I sacrifice myself for the sake of my family? Am I strong enough to do that? I don't know those answers yet.
First, to correct Mach's bad fingers since we have no Edit button...
He meant to say
Trickle down... NOT tickle down...
Originally Posted By: MsRae
I have noticed that I start getting tense when the kids first get home from school bc H will be home shortly thereafter.
This is actually normal. I remember the days when I just wished H wouldn't come home for that very reason.
Originally Posted By: MsRae
It was one complaint after another. From the guy in the lunch line to the f'ing idiots driving home.
Isn't every man like this?
Trust me on this one, it is better than the silence that can come with this.
Really, it is water off of a duck's back. You have to learn to let it roll. If you can't handle this sort of stuff, the personal attacks, you will never be able to walk away from.
They will always end up in an argument.
And this is a perfect example of that...
Originally Posted By: MsRae
We get in bed. We're facing each other talking and he says, "Well, the london broil was a bit rare, but the potatoes and green beans were perfection."
"I knew you'd find something negative to say." Could NOT stop the words from falling out of my mouth.
Originally Posted By: MsRae
This is hard and I'm not sure that I am any good at this. It feels fake. I feel like I am acting fake. I don't want to pretend that I am in a good mood, when I'm not. I feel like I did before I got help all those years ago. Like there is this bright smile on my face that doesn't quite reach my eyes. For me, this is like stepping backwards. Pretending like everything is ok, when it's not.
I know I must be missing something. What? Tell me.
It is fake right now. It is called acting AS-IF.
It is important to do that, until you aren't acting anymore. It takes the fuel out of the fire.
Rae, did you read DR yet?
Here is the thing...
Right now, you want everything to be better and I have a feeling you have some "fixer" in you (don't we all?)
Whatever this is, you can't fix for him.
If you feel like you are stepping backwards, then you need to figure out how to step forward for you.
What you are missing, in this whole thing, is that this is different than anything you have ever dealt with because...
MLC is illogical. DB is illogical.
Until you really understand them. Then they make perfect sense.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Part of me is disgusted that I let him talk to me like that. I am starting to feel picked on. This is how I grew up. I escaped that many, many years ago. To be re-living it, is really not cool.
You escaped it, but did you heal it?
I am gonna guess not as much as you might think if you feel that way again.
We teach people how to treat us Rae, but we also accept some treatment that we shouldn't. A ton of it really is in our perception of the treatment...
Words, are words...
Until YOU attatch meaning to them...
My H would say, "The roast was undercooked..."
and I took it as a criticism of me, beat myself up for undercooking the roast and made a mental note that I better not screw it up again...
My BF says, "the roast is undercooked..."
and I take it as a comment on the food, and either cook it longer, or apologize and make a mental note that he likes it more cooked.
Originally Posted By: MsRae
I worry about the example I am setting for my children.
Then how do you change it?
What do you think you should be showing them?
Why can't you be a good example AND have a good marriage?
Boundaries, may not be the way to go right now...
Think smaller...
Make small changes...
Be less available to they HAVE to do things for themselves.
This didn't happen over night and you won't fix it overnight.
Baby steps are very important with all of this.
As is consistency. To make sure your changes stick.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
It's the personal attacks. I don't know how to separate his words from reality.
I know that it comes from how I grew up. Nothing I did was ever right. Any mistake was brought up over and over and over again. Until you could hardly lift your head any more. My dad is an alcoholic and he is one of the meanest people I have ever met in my life. Cruel.
I left home at 18. I've sheltered my own kids from my parents as much as I could. My D16 and my nephew went with my parents to the drag races last year in Dallas. I've never let her go alone with them before. She was texting me almost constantly. OMG, mom, he's so mean. Nephew and I told your dad that if he kept it up, we'd call you and you'd come get us. Mom, how on earth did you survive this? Constant until she got home.
I am starting to feel like I'm married to my dad. It makes me want to be sick to my stomach. Everything was and still is my mom's fault and responsibility.
Years ago, he had a boat. He'd been in salt water that day so it was important that he clean it off before he took it back to storage. He lowered the motor, cleaned the boat and was ready to go. HE forgot to raise the motor back up and, as he was backing out of the driveway, broke off one of the props. He stops the truck and proceeds to scream at my mom in the driveway about how it was all her fault for not stopping him.
I don't know, Cat. I thought that I had. I've had so much freaking therapy, for so many years, it's almost stupid.
To hear the words from my H that I heard growing up...I don't know if I can do this. Obviously, I need to look at this again. It would hurt this bad, if there wasn't something still there.
I'm crying so hard right now, that I can't even really see to type any more.
It's the personal attacks. I don't know how to separate his words from reality.
You separate by the truth....that only you know.
You use that "sting" test to see if they affect you...
No sting ?
Then you file it under MLC garb. Don't fully dismiss it yet, just file it for later...
If it does sting ?
You might want to take a closer look at it...
Originally Posted By: MsRae
I know that it comes from how I grew up. Nothing I did was ever right. Any mistake was brought up over and over and over again. Until you could hardly lift your head any more. My dad is an alcoholic and he is one of the meanest people I have ever met in my life. Cruel.
Your husband is not your Father, and treating them equally is not gonna bear fruit for you....
Two people, two sets of problems....
That's gonna zap your power if you confuse them....
