I just wanted to add a few things after going back and re-reading this thread several times. I wanted to make SURE I didnt misread anything or post anything uncalled for. I think it was Creed that mentioned "my boundaries", I just wanted to clear up that these were made by "Us", not just me. When we started dating, we were NOT going to church, we were intimate and spent the night and weekend with each other several times over the months. We BOTH decided to begin church, yes same church for both of us.....(i think someone asked that question), and decided we should NOT sleep together according to how we believe. I just recently moved into his home, in my own room, as we thought this would be best, for a trial and too lesson expenses. We have talked about marriage and we want to be married but he wants to wait a little longer, It IS very hard on us, but we deal with it. We have talked and he knows where I stand and that I WONT wait forever, but feel like I at least ought to respect the fact that he wants to make susre its God's will for us. We have decided to talk to our Pastor this Sunday after church and get advice. We are trying to do the right thing. I have made leaps of progress since my divorce but have lots to go. I just wanted to update about my son and get some input on my relationship. To be hones, I though you all would come down hard on me, because I was moving so soon, BOY was I surprised! Instead you gave me the complete opposite. I was mainly wanting to know if you all felt I was moving too soon? Maybe I failed to word it right, I dont know, but I do know I didnt want to be judged in any way and I dont want to judge anybody. We have ALL got to make it......and I DONT mean marriage wise, I mean to HEAVEN, if not, we are headed for a place WAY MORE bitter and hot than ANY MLCer can dish out.
I've been following along. I'm going to ask a question and by no means are judging you or what you do in the least.
My question is: You say your BF is waiting to see if you two marrying is God's will. Does your BF ever tell you what it is that he considers God's will? IMHO, if you two have found the kind of love that makes two want to truly commit to each other then what else is needed as a sign?
I understand scared, I really do. I also believe things happen for a reason and that there are never any guarantees in life besides that we'll eventually die (oh, and taxes).
As far as your R with your son goes, I think Ian is spot on.
Everything with time and patience will sort itself out. Good luck!
Catching up with this thread; I am STILL a christian; and while I don't judge people for what they do and don't do..there are several red flags in this post that I can see:
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As for me, I am in a relationship with a great guy and love him dearly, but he says he is no where near ready to settle down. We have been dating 17 months. He was married once for a yr. and she cheated. They dated for two yrs. He says he rushed into marriage and look how that ended. He says he isnt rushing into it again. We both go to church so we DO NOT cross any lines, although we live together. Its very hard being in a relationship where you can not be intimate. AND on top of everything he says he is not near ready to settle down. He told me if i respected and loved him i would wait as long as it took. Any advice for me? Others have given me some advice but I wanted to see what you thought. I know you are a Christian and unless you are a Christian most people dont understand the boundaries.
Now, what you are doing is YOUR business; it is certainly NOT mine. But something's wrong when a man says he's not ready to settle down; and something else is very wrong when he says that if you loved and respected him; you would wait as long as it took.
That last statement of his is CONTROLLING...and you deserve more that to be hung out to dry until HE decides...I'm not sure he loves you; though he says he does.
But words mean nothing in a greater scheme of things.
All of this, tells me right off the bat that he has commitment problems to the max...and he's never healed from what happened to him; you said his wife had cheated on him once before.
You'll need to reexamine this situation; and see the reality within it, Sun.
Something's seriously wrong here; and it's not you, it's HIM.
I hope; and I didn't see this in your post; that he's not taking advantage of you in some way; and I DON'T mean sexual; you've made it plain that both of you are staying in separate rooms; and not active that way.
I honestly hope he's paying his way; even as he seems to be stringing you along....you love him; but he doesn't love you in the way you deserve.
You may flame the heck out of me for this; but this is what I see; as I read your post.
I'd not been back in awhile; because I got busy; the weather's been bad; and I'm a truck driver.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Well, I should have read through the rest of the posts before I answered...sorry.
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I just recently moved into his home, in my own room, as we thought this would be best, for a trial and too lesson expenses. We have talked about marriage and we want to be married but he wants to wait a little longer, It IS very hard on us, but we deal with it. We have talked and he knows where I stand and that I WONT wait forever, but feel like I at least ought to respect the fact that he wants to make susre its God's will for us.
If this is meant to be; and is God's Will; you two should already know; your intuition should have already told you; and both of you would already be settled and at peace with this within yourselves.
There wouldn't be the uncertainty within you both; that seems to be there now.
What has the Lord told YOU on this?
You always take a chance when you marry; God's Will or not; and a successful marriage takes TWO people; not just one...and both must be willing to each do their part.
Keep us posted on what the Pastor advises you.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I think we are both just scared. I have not, in my opinion prayed enough about this. I need to. We didnt go to church Sunday, but we will this Sunday and hopefully talk to the Pastor then.
On another note.....Snodderly why do you not post to me anymore? I was just wondering. I hope I havent offended you. You helped me so much thru my divorce. I will NEVER forget you and others here. I love love to hear what you have to say also.
Someone told me today that my son told them, during a conversation that I LEFT HIS DAD! Why on earth do you all suppose he would say something like that? He knows what happened, son and I had to move back into our old home because his dad wanted a divorce. Son even told me many times that his dad wasnt coming back. Son also told them that I did ok at first about the divorce THEN I started going downhill and started takin drugs. OMG! I have NEVER in my life took drugs and son knows this. What is happening to my child? This upsets me to know end, because I can not contact him to ask him about it. What should I do?
Renee, this is a 2nd hand account of something. Its been my experience that someone who would tell you something like that would run and tell them anything you say. My advice is to ignore it. Your son is a grown man, he knows how you feel about him. If you try to contact him, it will push him away.
BH his gf told me that. She added me on fb. I know she was telling the truth. I told her it was best if i deleted her, I dont want my son thinking I am spying on him. Its like he is blaming me.
To keep from further hijacking Tad's thread; I moved your last post to your thread.
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HB, thank you for your comments. BUT really, when does it STOP being a crisis? If a man and a woman is happy for that long, isnt it no longer a crisis? and does it ALWAYS have to be a crisis? Can people divorce without being in a crisis? Surley they can. I am talking about divorcing after long term marriages though.
The answer to your question in regards to divorcing without being in a crisis is yes, it can happen that way...women and men do this all the time; but some of the time it can be due to going through a MLC..depending on their age and other factors that contribute to the demise of the marriage.
Some couples do simply fall out of love with each other; and some relationships are physically abusive..it can be a mixed bag when it comes to divorcing because of perceived incompatibilities between the couple.
But there is NO excuse for going out and getting another before ending the current relationship..none whatsoever.
An honorable person would end the relationship and learn what they are supposed to learn to prevent taking the SAME baggage into a new relationship.
But not all people are "honorable"..and marriages in this day and age seem to be disposable when one becomes unhappy.
Anyway, I digress.
The typical MLC hits between the ages of 35 and 55; sometimes earlier, sometimes later; depending on the circumstances.
There have been some who go through it later because they managed to put it on hold for a period of time; and some, it overwhelms.
The crisis resolves and finishes when ALL issues are faced within by the MLC'er; and not before. There is NO "rule" against putting the crisis on hold for a time; but the issues MUST be faced; and the MLC'er must face themselves...and if it comes in several bouts of crisis, so be it...they can run, but they cannot hide.
It doesn't matter if they return to the marriage; end up remarrying, or what else they do.
The fact is, ALL issues MUST be faced within themselves; and RESOLVED; and the settling down process; (which simply means a "place for everything and everything in it's place") must be completed, before the crisis is finished and they go forward exhibiting the changes of a lifetime.
They MUST grow up and mature for the first time in their lives; the crisis does, indeed, extract a change from and within them.
They become better people than before; and coupled with the changes the LBS also makes; once the marriage rebuilds; it is a deeper, stronger, more lasting marriage; than what they had before the crisis.
The couple becomes more focused on each other; and though they have lives outside of the marriage; neither is threatened by that.
The bond that binds the couple together becomes much stronger after the crisis...and the vows that were taken when they married take on a new meaning; and committment is strengthened.
It can be a long road to get to this point, but it is attainable; depending on both the LBS and the then former MLC'er to be determined to rebuild from the ashes of the marriage that was destroyed; because of the crisis.
I know these things from my own experience; and that of my husband's.
I had a multitude of issues and aspects to face within myself; and it took six years to finish. I got them all; there was a overwhelming sense of peace within me when I came out of the settling down process.
I felt stronger and ready to take on the world.
My husband also had issues and aspects to face within himself; and it took him a LONG time to face himself; facing and resolving within himself.
He exited the tunnel back in late 2002; but he had set aside a most painful issue; that of his parent's divorce..he was 7 when they divorced.
To keep from facing it; he put it aside; thinking that it would never come up again...but like anything else that chases you; it caught up with him in late 2004; nearly two years after his exit.
I knew, but I didn't know...I was within my transition; catching bits and pieces of what was going on..
It was not until my transition completely ended in early 2009; just after the settling down process; I fully realized that things were not as I had left them.
My memories were fragmented and broken; and though I remembered his crisis as a fact; I could not understand what was happening.
The Lord helped me to begin to understand; when I came back here last year, and asked a question....I didn't understand the answer at first...but, as time went on, it was shown to me that the one child of his issues had been overlooked/set aside for all that time. And it was TORMENTING him to death; in turn, he was taking it out on me; and I was fighting him tooth and nail; making it clear that I would NOT tolerate his behavior toward me.
NOTHING was working...boundaries had worked the last time; but in this bout; he was not responding; only getting more rebellious and angry.
The cycle of rebellion had been running since he got caught by that final issue; and other than key times that I had enough clarity to stop other things from going on; once I finished what I had to do; I retreated back into the transition; I had work to do on ME..and I wasn't finished; and wouldn't come out UNTIL I was finished.
That took its toll on him, too...I'd retreated away from him; and he knew it; actually KNEW what was going on..but was continuously forgetting it; because of his own problem.
I completely left him alone; unless he approached me; and if he showed signs of getting ready to take his angst out on me; I walked away, out of the room to get away from him; AFTER restating my boundaries again.
It was not my fault; I had done nothing to cause it; and I hung on as best I knew how...I had already done the work on myself long before; so, there was nothing else for me to learn; except to understand this new possibility that laid before me.
I do understand why God instructed me in many ways...He instructed me to come down hard on him for his irresponsibility; and I did force him to turn over his half of household expenses.
I never threatened him with anything; not leaving, nothing....each time God would instruct me; I came down hard on him with a kind of anger that showed I meant business....he was angry; but I started seeing him start paying his way; pulling his own weight; but there was a still a long way to go, it seemed.
That 7 year old child had been in the driver's seat for so long; he was not too happy to have me start in on him...the man was in hiding; didn't know what to do; except leave the child out there to deal with me.
It's funny in a way; I wanted to go cut a switch and switch his legs...but this was a grown man, however, he was acting...but I really did want to. LOL!!
All he could do was LEAVE if he'd wanted to do that; but I sensed that he wasn't going anywhere; he had already settled that issue long ago.
So, I was comfortable in coming down on him; as per the instruction of the Lord; these instructions always came at a time when he was most receptive...otherwise, I left him alone, got on with my life; but NOT AS IF this time; I just simply got on with it; knowing that whatever happened; I was FINE.
I laid him completely at the feet of the Lord; in late November 2009; I had followed instructions to the letter; nothing was working; and there was nothing else I could do to help turn him again.
So, the Lord showed me in early December 2009, that something would happen to bring him down within three months; and I would KNOW when that happened. His rebellion and arrogance was over the top; I was unable to reach him anymore; and the Lord and I both knew this...
He broke his ankle in February of 2010; and I KNEW when I spoke to him; that this was what I'd been waiting for. This was ALSO the catalyst that started him out for good this time.
Within three months after he'd gone down; I saw him begin to turn and start his journey out of this secondary tunnel..it was different than what happened the first time...it was like he crossed directly over, returning into the settling down process; literally picking up where he'd left off before.
He processed throughout the rest of 2010; and in the middle of January of this year, something strange happened; he completely withdrew from me. I asked the Lord; and was told this was his "final facing"..which was not to be confused with "final fears".
He had ALREADY faced the final fears long go; this was a different kind of facing; that involved; not only the recent events; but the whole of the events from the past 11 years...and he was seeing these.
He wasn't calling me; but when the Lord instructed me to call and check on him; I did NOT ask him anything; except if he was OK.
He said he was sick, nauseated; and wasn't sleeping well at night....apparently the whole nine yards had been literally dumped on him...it took him nearly two weeks to finish out.
The strange thing was; when he was finished; he picked up; just like nothing had ever happened; teasing me because I hadn't called him that particular day; and he sounded great; upbeat and happy.
He is now OUT completely; I've seen him since that time; and I did see clearly he was and is fine.
He has clearly changed in his perception of me; he even speaks to me differently; is more respectful of me; very gentle and caring toward me.
This is the man I was starting to see so long ago; before his processing got interrupted.
It was NOT even a shade of this way before the crisis; and I do remember the marriage before the crisis; and I would NOT go back to that time for anything..not even knowing what I know now.
He loved me at that time with what he knew; and his childhood had been filled with heartache, abandonment issues; and his parent's divorce. He could not accept me; because he could not accept himself...and neither did he love himself; which, in turn; meant he had been unable all that time to love me.
He was good at times; but controlling and manipulating most of the time. The balance was very uneven; the crisis righted that balance between me and him.
As hard as the road was for him AND me; I am GLAD all this happened; as I see; not only within myself; but within him, too; the changes of a lifetime; and a love that is deeper than before.
God truly worked a miracle within my marriage; but I also obeyed Him in ALL things..this was key for me to endure what I did..as He strengthened me many times; and encouraged me to keep going; when all I wanted to do was give up completely.
I could have done anything I wanted; this was MY choice; but I chose to see what would come next; and, I was never able to answer all of the "what if" questions that come when thinking of ending a long term relationship. That, and the Lord continuing to show me the outcome; and it was a better life and marriage than I had known before...and so, I stuck with it; and made a choice to hang in there; outlasting everything.
I made up my mind that I would not end it, HE would, if he chose to do that..but he didn't; decided to finish it out with the necessary changes within himself and so, here we are, still married.
I can look back; and see where God continued to work His Will in our lives; and He continues to work His Will in my life, even now.
Two days before he broke his ankle, I was sent back here to begin understanding what had gone on; and what was going on...my memories needed to be restored; but that didn't start happening until a few weeks went by; and they didn't restore all at once; it was like pieces of a puzzle that came together.
Each of these pieces found its way into a "box" in my head...as long as I'm not asked questions about MLC...it's not something I think about; but when I start getting questions; the box opens; and out comes a piece to aid me in answering....my insight is completely different; there are answers there that I don't have experience with; but I can answer with what He gives me to say.
Sorry this is long; but one thing is evident; if ALL issues are not faced by the MLC'er; there is a bout of crisis that will come back later on...or it can be multiple bouts of crisis.
Time may pass; and it may be a long period of time; but rest assured; it will come up again as long as the MLC'er has issues that are not laid to rest and resolved.
And some of them get stuck; never coming through completely.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
