See, this is where I am confused as well. My telephone councilor even said "be a friend." But it sounds like there is a line there and I do not know exactly where that line is. How do you be a friend but at the same not giving them their cake?
Just like marriage, friendship is not a clear cut "we are either friends or not" type deal. There are healthy friendships and unhealthy friendships. There are friendships where one person does all the giving and the other all the taking, where one puts in all the effort and the other just coasts and takes advantage.
So to this I say, work on those fundamental skills that entail a healthy friendship first, but also contribute to a healthy R. As I have been saying, earning and showing trust, boundaries, honesty and integrity, healthy respectful communication.
It doesnt mean giving them everything they want, or when they say jump, you saying "how high?". Friends are not going to be there to serve every whim, or meet your every need, but conversely a good friend will be there for you if you really need them.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I thank you for staying up to speed with my situation, and being patient, because I do lack patience myself.
Believe me I understand, I have walked the same road you are currently on.
Good luck on the job, keep us posted.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Where has YOUR road taken you, If you don't mind me asking?
I don't mind at all. I was in a similar situation to you.
I have managed to turn things around. Not everything is perfect, but it is much better than it was. I am still learning how to be a better man, I don't think I will ever stop.
I have done a lot of backsliding, even after my W re-committed to the R, but most important is that I have never given up.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Where has YOUR road taken you, If you don't mind me asking?
I don't mind at all. I was in a similar situation to you.
I have managed to turn things around. Not everything is perfect, but it is much better than it was. I am still learning how to be a better man, I don't think I will ever stop.
I have done a lot of backsliding, even after my W re-committed to the R, but most important is that I have never given up.
Backsliding/struggling or not, you are a success story. You WILL get to that place you want to be, and I'm happy that your wife is there by your side. You are an inspiration to me and a lot of us here.
No doubt that I want my marriage to survive and thrive as well. I hope, with God's help and blessing, that I can fight the good fight.
It all starts with FRIENDSHIP. You're going back to the beginning in a way. You build the friendship FIRST.
I won't speak for Mike, but I don't think his advice is contraditory. Be the man that she would find attractive and who she wants to be with. But that starts with a friendship.
I'm praying for you.
LIS
Thank you, LIS. Friendship is the basis of all relationships. My wife and I lost a lot of that some years ago, I think. I know we can be at that juncture again, I feel like mine is itching to get out.
BTW, it's so nice to have a female perspective on my situation.
Just completed a coaching session with Chuck. He was really insightful and managed to turn my frantic ramblings and cries for help into some revised 180s and personal goals:
A. Recognize my buttons - my spouse knows which buttons she can press to test me. The idea is to either get rid of those buttons altogether, or reprogram them with something more positive. B. Take COMPLETE ownership of the hurt and betrayal that I've caused my wife. She's been testing me with a lot of questions, but all I did was defend myself, rather than validate.
Where has YOUR road taken you, If you don't mind me asking?
I don't mind at all. I was in a similar situation to you.
I have managed to turn things around. Not everything is perfect, but it is much better than it was. I am still learning how to be a better man, I don't think I will ever stop.
I have done a lot of backsliding, even after my W re-committed to the R, but most important is that I have never given up.
I have seen your suggestions and i love them. It is also very inspiring to know that there might some light at the end of the looong tunnel. Thanks!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I have seen your suggestions and i love them. It is also very inspiring to know that there might some light at the end of the looong tunnel. Thanks!
You are welcome. I will look up your threads soon and see where you are at also.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
