Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Wife of 6-years Wants a Divorce - pt 2

Mike gave you some sound advice Alamo. Persistence beats resistance. Keep fighting the good fight.

With all that said about my situation today, everyone has been telling me to be firm. In case something similar crops up in the near future, how do I go about extracting information when my wife will not give it up? Do I make her so livid that she screams "That's it! We're through" and/or storms out of the house with my son? Or, how would I convince her to let me go with them? I don't want to be so stubborn with my boundaries as to push her away.

Tomorrow I'm going to see an attorney to see how I can protect myself in case this doctor situation does turn sour.

Even if things didn't go as planned. At least I know I fought a good fight. She knows my stance, whether she admits it or not. Hopefully she'll be more considerate or careful threading this kind of territory again.

People like Mike are why I'm glad to participate in this forum on a daily basis.

Man i seem to be stuck in the same boat as you. My wife too brings a lot of past history to justify some of the things she has done and in the end i have actually ended up justifying these things for her. When i look back, i now see how clearly these boundaries were crossed. In my case though i have always operated and let her cross my boundaries out of the fear that she would leave me. This thinking attitude really brought me trouble and i am now trying to correct this kind of thinking

Most important is that it is never too late to change. By being consistent in our actions we can effect great change.

Note also that losing your cool is an action, as is not losing your cool.

Don't beat yourself up over it either. I struggle to live my own advice every single day. I backslide often enough. I am still not where I want to be in my own R, but much further ahead of when she had one foot out the door. It is a journey, not a destination.

Don't pressure or argue, just state your position and leave it at that. Don't try to control things that are outside of your control. If she absolutely refuses to co-operate there is little you can do to force her. For now focus on the boundaries you can enforce, which are things she demands of you.

Good call on the attorney, you need to protect yourself.

Okay Alamo...no update on today yet?? Just checking in to see how you are doing today!

You beat me to the punch, Wanda!

So it turns out that my wife was worried that she might be causing emotional distress with our son. Earlier tonight she came and told me how it went, and that according to the pscyh, our son is fine for his age, but said that my wife needs to get counseling for her depression. The following is a text message conversation that was exchanged no more than 1 hour ago. It's been edited some for spelling errors and missing words.

M: Please feel free to drive the Audi tomorrow, if you'd like. If so, I'll transfer what you need from the Nissan.
W: Why is that ok, but I'm not allowed to take my son to counseling. I don't feel like going anywhere with you. I justed wanted to get him checked out, and I get treated like I'm doing something wrong. You have accused me of being selfish and screwing him up. All I wanted to do was make sure I haven't been hurting him with this. I just wanted to make sure I'm being a responsible parent. Pardon me if I wanna do this on my own. What is more important to you? That you be there to spy on my every move? Or that your son is being evaluated by a professional? I seriously wonder sometimes if you have cameras or voice recorders set up around the house to catch me and twist things I say or do. Just for the record, I don't do that to you. If you wanna take him somewhere I say ok. All I have ever asked is that you communicate with me. I mean seriously. One of my concerns was that I'm hurting our son's relationship with you, and I don't wanna do that because I know it's best for him to be close to both of us.
M: I understand. I am sorry for doubting your good intentions. You did the right thing for our son...you always have. I don't think I've told you how much I appreciate what you do for him as his mother.
W: She (the psych) did some evaluations and said that he's fine, normal 2-yo stuff. Why do I do this. I feel like I try and look out for you while you find ways to stab me in the back. The constant spying freaks me out. For all I know you have cameras set up or are recording our conversations. For the record I never do that to you. I could have lied to you about the appointment, but I chose to be upfront and communicate. I told you how it went. I honestly don't understand why you need to watch my every (move).

Then my wife wrote something that really hurt:
W: i thought I didn't like you before, but now I don't even know who you have become. Now I see you as this psycho Jekyll and Hyde. One day take whatever car, another I can't g(???). What are you soooo afraid of?
M: Truly I don't want to know about what, why you do, or where you go. I have myself to deal with, and that's more than enough as it is right now. I do worry a great deal, though, when our son in involved. So I admit I came on too strong when I hear you say that he needs to go see a therapist. Thank you again for letting me know how everything went today.
W: I want to ask if you're recording me but I know you'll probably lie. Honestly I've been getting the heebie jeebies, especially this morning. It was like you were directing me to blow up at you on purpose. Congratulations, it worked with all the stress I'm under and my emotional nature. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I might be paranoid but I had a tummy ache after I was driving, like something just isn't right.

While I was responding, my wife knocks on my door and we started talking. She asked again if I was video taping or recording her. And I said no, but she knew from my facial twitch (she's gotten good at picking it up over the years, obviously) that I was lying. I didn't tell her that I recorded our conversation this morning, but should I? Remember my history of lying? I feel so guilty for not giving her that information.

Then our conversation was essentially a rehash of our text message conversation. She also still harbors memories of me saying that she's a bad mom and I tell people that she's a psycho b****, and that other people think she is a psycho b****. I tried reassuring her a couple of times but she ain't believing the liar. She cried a couple of times because she feels trapped and under constant surveillance, and I cried with her too. I told her the feeling was mutual. I said we are both behaving due to our own paranoias, and i admitted to her that I fall into that trap and overstep my bounds sometimes, and if she sees me acting one way one day and different the next is because I learned from my mistakes.

I wish I have photographic memory to remember the entire conversation in detail. Anyway, towards the end, my wife started saying things that made me really, really heartbroken. For one, she still believes I am a porn addict. I told her the other day that I wasn't an addict anymore, when she questioned me about it. And she said that when an addict uses the word "anymore", it's not possible, because addicts are either in control or out of control. So she said I was in denial or something like that.

Finally she kept saying that she was under so much stress right now is because I'm not cooperative by not letting her go. She feels trapped and freaked out (from her worry that I'm spying on her every move). She said she doesn't want to be with me, and the way she sees how we are together, it's no wonder why we will never work. She just wants to be out of here -- as in separated separated.

I feel completely empty after all this. It's her loss. It's just hard to hear the woman I love say (again) to my face that she wants a divorce, no more, no less.

Now I wonder if my wife, as of today, is still watching or is so far gone in her decision and disgust for me, that she's truly completely done. Michele does mention spouses who are way past even what LRT can do. My wife still thinks the same of me when we separated, and she's even more distressed than ever now than before. Do I totally suck at DB/DRing altogether?

Aaarrgggh!