Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Trust... How do I learn to do it again?

When I asked my H if he would (not could) trust me again, he answered without hesitation. He said, "Yes, b/c that is the only way I can survive." I have thought about that every time I read about the struggles for the LBS. It took all/any merit from me and gave it all to my H. It was his ability to forgive me......based on him.....not me. That fact caused me to respect him more than ever.

I think it depends....I thought I could trust him again, but deep inside when I sat and listened to my intuition I knew I would never be able to.

It' simply who I am. Regardless of whether I "chose" or not, it would never have happened.

Thanks Golfgirl, it will be something I will need to struggle with for a little while. If I can't get over it then I will need to get on with it.

So this morning W takes a shower and stays in her towel while making the kids lunches and getting them off to school. This is highly unusual as she leaves the same time as the kids. After the kids leave she turns to me and says, "you have 15 minutes", (we of course took 25). It was mutually satisfying. But as is the case in these situations the mind starts to spin and I need advice...

W knows my LL is touch. I have told her many times that for me touch does not always mean sex. Contrary to so many perceptions, we men like to be touched too WITHOUT the expectation of sex (at least I do). Last night I explained to W that I don't always expect sex. I almost always WANT it but don't always EXPECT it. She believes that if she hugs or touches me that I think sex right away. I had no idea she thought like this. And to be honest, I never gave that impression. I'm almost positive of that. It's how she thinks ALL men are. I told her that is not how I am. Not sure she believed it...

So here is my question.

Is she testing me?

I don't believe she was since she was in a towel and ready to go.

I can see it being a test if she massaged my back or held my hand and I jumped on her which would prove her theory. But that was not the case.

She was naked and said, "you have 15 minutes."

Saying, "nah, let's just talk instead", would be a rejection, right?

Anyway, I will be away for the weekend and W will be alone to have some girl time with her friends.

I'm really not worried about OM any more. W is open about what she is doing and been texting/talking to friends to hang out at our house.

I think it's truly time to let it all go and try again to trust. She had reasons to leave. I told her many times that I didn't think we should be together. Said we were not compatible. Said she would make someone else happier then she could make me. It's easier to trust knowing I said these things cause in her mind I didn't want her. And I DID want out! Now that I am SHOWING that I love and care for her things are better.

thoughts? Comments? 2x4's?

That is what happens when a couple's relationship grows. Maturing together is not easy b/c we often have to experience "growing pains", but when the smoke clears and we're still standing, that says a lot!




Just keep teaching her by the method you used for quite a spell when there wasn't any sex and you were spooning. How her.

The next time she says you have 15 minutes, then be prepared to use that as an opportunity to teach her. "So, I have 15 minutes to do whatever I want? Well, get over her and let me nibble on your ears and whisper sweet nothings." Or, start toward her with your arms wide open and say something like, "I been wanting time for some good smooching!"

When she discovers that she can give you physical affection without it leading into sex, then I believe she will be quicker to touch you without wondering if there is enough time....

Sandi, I would love to do that but given the actual scinerio (stayed in a towel and naked), do you think I should just kiss and not let my hands wander? Won't she expect me/want me to?

I can't help but think she would feel rejected...

How would you feel? Honestly...

Oh right.....the towel thingy. Well, make that an exception. Don't want to give the girl a complex!

So I'm at the airport with my S12 waiting for a plane.

This morning when leaving the house I was waiting for W to say "ILY" and age didn't.

Now I know what you're all saying, persuit! But what you all don't know is my W has serious intimacy issues. Never told ILY as a child and it's difficult for her to say.

Well, I went back in the house and told her ILY and she said it back. I told her that I need to hear it too. I also let her know that I could tell from her body language and tone that she wanted me to say it very badly.

It was a much better send off. Several kisses, hugs and ILY's.


So off to a fantastic weekend with S12.

Wow, what a difference a month makes. Good progress!

Your thread "I can't tell" in Piecing is one of the first threads I read and posted on, so I come back from time to time to see how tings are going.

MZ

Thanks MZ,
Things are going well. Still not sure how I was able to turn it around. I still struggle internally but that's something I need to deal with.

I am finding myself trusting more every day...

Thanks for checking in...