My heart goes out to you. I would say that you should detach but with love as we say around here...try to do things for you ...let him see you doing these things for yourself if possible...go out with friends, wear that new ring...but caution...don't do things you don't mean..if you want to be married...wear your wedding ring...believe me ..I know what threats and empty ultimatums can do...lots of damage...and taking off your wedding ring can be seen as sort of a threat...anyway...take good care of yourself...you are in my prayers. You get my GRACE UNDER PRESSURE DB"ER AWARD for Today...for attending that dinner with him! Way to go, girl...you are an inspiration. Keep up the great db'ing...
Thanks Alaskangal..I do want to be married, but I have taken the rings off..and I love the new one.
H called me last night..left a message to call him back..a first to call me at home in a long time..of course a pit settled in my stomach..I just knew he was ready to proceed with d..but I talked myself into accepting whatever he had to say...
He wanted to tell me he was no longer employed...he is/was an auditor at a bank and because of restructureing..changes,cost savings, they have decided to have outside auditors..so no job for h...my heart fell....a couple of the guys there gave him some good leads on a few jobs and he was told he would get a great recomendation from both of them. Iknow many people in the world are struggling with this..but when it hits home, you can better understand..as in a marriage having problems..you see things with more compassion then before.
He seems to be so great about it..there could also be some leads in our church..he has always been a very positive person, and I thought I was doing so great at it, but I am scared to death for him and us..me..finances are the first thing I asked him about..when he quit his other job 5 years ago,he had 22 years of profit sharing to fall back opn..this time there is not quite the same amount. I know that is not what is important..and I am working real hard on sorting this out, but it is a concern..two households to pay for is a concern...2 kids still in college
STOP.....Sue..I had to vent and I am sorry...no more..... My co-worker found out she has very early stage one breast cancer..it looks very favorable, but still scary and always uncertain..so I will not seek pity because my h lost his job.
While talking to him..we had a very deep talk about us..again he says he does not feel like we can ever be a married couple..he said he still cares and loves me, but not like a husband should be able to..and that he does not mean to hurt me by saying these things and that no one is to blame, but it has happened..he said when I was ready to proceed legally then we would..I said I may never be ready..he said nothing...he said he will always financially help me. I told him I had pulled back from asking him over for pizza or to a movie because I did not want to appear weak, clingy..or get my hopes up. He said he has no problem doing those things with me if I did not get my hopes up.That we can be friends...I told him I did not want to stay in this house..as before, he asked why..then before I could answer(through tears, of course!)he said "because I am not there?" Yes I said, and becasue we built a life here..raised our kids here..all around are great memories that I don't want to come home and look at alone..that if I move these things won't be there..I know in reality you can't leave all those things behind...and when I get a grip on things, I know that I don't want to forget the good times..I just want out of this house..start clean and fresh..but now that will be out on hold. Maybe i should suggest we just live together to save costs!!! I hope he knows he could come back...no strings attached..until he gets settled.
So friends..that is my latest...I do feel peace about alot of things..I know with the Lords grace and faith, that we will weather this too..
A friend sent me this: Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance.
I'm so sorry to hear your H was restructured out of a job. I can relate some what as my position will be eliminated in about a month. But at least, I do have another position I can move into. It will mean a major change in lifestyle and I guess that's my point here. It may be the silver-lining in the cloud as these kind of changes tend to make one re-assess our choices. Give it some more ( ) time ... there's a potential for this impact to be the catalyst that could lead to him altering his present state-of-mind.
Quote: I told him I had pulled back from asking him over for pizza or to a movie because I did not want to appear weak, clingy..or get my hopes up. He said he has no problem doing those things with me if I did not get my hopes up.
Sue, keep doing these things only for one reason and one reason only ... because it is how you enjoy spending that time. Let go of any hope or expectation that there will be a next time and just be grateful to share theat period of time together so he can let his guard down and begin to enjoy time with you without any burden of "Is this supposes to lead to something?" in the back of his mind. If he can start to accept its OK just to have a good time with Sue, it becomes fertile soil in which those "feeling" can sprout from ... which just dawned on me!! It does seem odd that he should refer to those feeling as...
Quote: but not like a husband should be able to
... it almost sounds as an obligatory expectation demanded from him. Why not " ... a lover does" or a "romantic" love? Something more freely offered than being percieved as a burden. Not sure where I'm going with this just now .... arrgh ... this headcold is clouding my thoughts. Will ponder on this some more, but it does seem to appear more about his interpretation of his feelings than what he does actually feel. Keeping that in mind might help with how you look to do things differently.
Kaw..how are you??I assume you don't have an active thread anymore!!!
Hope all is going ok for what you need...thanks for the thoughts to ponder..I do always seem to rethink things after you point out different views...I really do believe that this job thing is a message for things that h may be able to pursue..our church is very important to him..who knows..he says he's not too worried..
I can't figure out what he's thinking about as far as the husband thing..I, of course, think that possibly he has guilt that whatever happened with the ff is leaving him unable to commit to me..I am probably wrong..as many times before, since in his mind nothing happened..
I am going on with life as if a d is in the future..and I am ok with it..maybe I am pushing all my feelings away somewhere, I do miss him and love him, but will not allow those feelings to cripple me.
I think he just needs a good kick in the pants! Seriously, in your posts there seems to be a feeling that he has, he has started the course he is on and must follow through with it and doesn't know how to change that path. He seems unhappy? From here it seems like a good jolt would do him some good, but you know best. But, it sure doesn't seem hopeless as far as your marriage goes. This is probably a good time to be a shoulder to lean on, somewhere he can come to talk about his job and realize what a support you can be to him. Are there some small things you can change, stopping by his house to talk, inviting him over, to just provide some friendship during this time, small steps to build your life together again?
Thanks, Jackie for stopping by..h really seems very happy, as do I..with all the changes we have made in our lives this past year..yet he just can't seem to want to be married anymore..he is afraid it would all go back to the old routines..the old feelings would come back..when he was still here..he was gone most nights..at church..now he is not out there so much..he likes being alone..to watch tv, which used to drive me nutty..as I don't watch much..plus he likes science fiction junk...so he's afraid of all the old stuff that brought us to where we are..so am I..guess it would be hard work to restore a new r..I will continue to be his friend...will invite him over...
Is it restoring a new R or creating a new one? If he was some new man who you found interesting how would you act? Would it be differently than now? Would you attempt to find the (annoying, I agree) sci-fi shows interesting? Try to join in with him in his pursuits? These are things he enjoys doing, can you in subtle ways begin to enjoy them as well? Build a R and friendship on joint interests or learned interests?
Sue I am so sorry about the news in your life... and i think Dagny advices are excellent, also i know how difficult can it be to pretend being friend of the man we love too much.. but i feel not too much anger in you and thats is great to construct a new R and friendship...!!... my heart and thoughts are with you Andrea
) time ... there's a potential for this impact to be the catalyst that could lead to him altering his present state-of-mind.
Why not " ... a lover does" or a "romantic" love? Something more freely offered than being percieved as a burden. Not sure where I'm going with this just now .... arrgh ... this headcold is clouding my thoughts. Will ponder on this some more, but it does seem to appear more about his interpretation of his feelings than what he does actually feel. Keeping that in mind might help with how you look to do things differently.