Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC WIFE THREATENS LEGAL ACTION

Bobby


She? What about YOU dude? Are you looking for a new Bobby?

So Bobby, what are some of the things that you really want to change about yourself?

God Bless,
Eric

I got home yesterday from work and found my wife and daughter in my house. My wife was happy that she will start her new job next week. She looked very pretty. She asked me to take our daughter to the football game and she said she would pick up. She offered some suggestions of what I should do around the house and I thanked her. She stopped by again last night with my daughter to pick up things for Katie. I am working today and plan to exercise and but some wood to make a bookcase. It seems like she is coming by more and calling more. I used to go off into the study to work on the computer when I got home. Yesterday my focus was on my wife and child. My biggest mistake was not putting my wife first. I really regret that. Bobby O

I received a call from my wife stating that she did not feel comfortable working as an office nurse around people knowing we separated. I told her she asked me for the lead to a job and that if she felt uncomfortable, then she needed to look for another job. She then said she wants to push through paperwork for a separation agreement which will become final in a year. I again told her that counseling would be a better option if things could be salvaged. She said if she can not support herself then she will find a man to support her. I got very angry at this point and told her I took care of her for 30 years and that was a direct insult to me. I told her I was having an agreement drawn up and the divorce will be final after September 4, 2011. I then hung up. She called multiple times and I did not take her calls and she left no message.
I believe if I do not follow through on this she will look at me as weak. This struggle has been going on for a year now. I am not happy and I can not force her to do anything. I sometimes feel she likes to be a bully. Well, I pushed back which she is not used to seeing. I try to avoid conflict and in many ways I enabled her. I can not live like this anymore. Bobby O

Why because she says she needs another man to take care of her?

THAT is why you feel weak. And because of



This ^^^^

Bobby I am going to say some things and they are not meant as insults I only hope that they hit hard enough so that you will begin to look at this differently.



How does this feel?

Like you are a doormat?

Why?

Because you don't control ANY of it.

Do you want to save your M?

Then you must take yourself out of the emotion that your W slings at you.

YOU MUST!

Did the stuff she said sting?

Then use it. Look at it if you don't like it about yourself.

YOU.

If YOU don't like it. Change it! Kill it.

Your self respect is not derived from your W and her comments especially when she is in crisis.

Why would you put your happiness in the hands of a crazy person?

DO or do not.

If you keep going on this path you will fail.



Divorcing makes you strong? Running away makes you feel strong?

DO for YOU Bobby.

NOT NOT NOT

In reaction to some action or inaction of your W or anybody else.

Your choice Bobby what to do with ALL this.

What do YOU choose?

Bobby,

First welcome to ANGER!

Second, sorry to tell you that you NOW pushed and you will now find out just how serious your W is.

Third, can you tell me IN YOUR words what VALIDATION means?

Let me show you something…


“I again told her” – WOW, that sound very manly! It also sounds very authoritative.

So Bobby you just TOLD HER what YOU wanted! DO you feel better now? I bet you don’t.

Let me tell you what she probably heard – “I don’t care what YOU want – I want what I want” OR “Look what your feeling right now is WRONG – AS YOUR FATHER, we must go to counseling” OR “I da man do what I say and stop your chit” OR

She may have even thought….”I have given him everything he wanted for 30 years and NOW he cannot give me the ONE thing I want”.

Yes, I am doing a little bit of mind reading here BUT do you really understand how fuc*ed up in the head your W is. Do you really understand that she is trying to fulfill something in HER life that she FEELS is missing.

You see Bobby, you still do not understand that this is about HER! In her mind the M is done and over with and your attempts to save them are validation to HER that YOU are not listening to her.

So NOW that you are not listening….she says…


You pushed for counseling and she pushed back!


Did she say that MAN cannot be YOU? I bet not.


So NOW that she is NOT doing what Bobby wants and NOW that she has hurt Bobby’s feelings, you throw in her face the 30 years of chit YOU did for HER. Hey, I have often wanted to remind my wife that no one put a gun to her head to say “I do” at the alter. So I’m gonna turn this around on YOU.

Did YOUR W put a gun to YOUR head to MAKE YOU take care of her for 30 years? I bet not. So dude, as angry as you are (and lord knows I have been there) direct the ANGER at something else NOT your W.


WOW – It will final on my birthday!

Bobby – do you want to be divorced?

ANGER can sometimes = manipulation.

IF you do not want to be divorced then your comment about drawing up the paper work is an attempt to “scare” (replace with manipulate) her into coming back.

Me…I’ve been there done that already. So now that your anger has gotten the best of YOU, what are you gonna do.

Option 1 – call back and apologize for your anger and tell her you will not file
Option 2 – move forward with the filing
Option 3 – GO dark and cut off all communication
Option 4 – Roll a “fatty”, take a couple of puffs, have a few drinks and do NOTHING.
Option 5 – some combination of any of the above 4 options

Me – I probably go with # 4 (x – the “fatty” thought I don’t do that).

You - ??


Can live like how?

Weak?
A coward?
Conflict avoidant?
Passive?
A doormat?
Less of a man?

Bobby – you do NOT have to live or feel like the above AND not file for a D.

Right now, your anger and frustration is writing checks that really you’re a*s does not want to cash.

So my advice to you right now is this…

Sit back and pour yourself a very large and I mean really large glass of SHUT THE F*CK UP (aka STFU).

While you are sitting back ask yourself one question.

What does BOBBY want that BOBBY can CONTROL!

Eric

I see everyones point.I think I am going to continue to stay dark for now. I will let her do the work if she wants to file.Thanks for the input. Bobby o

This is good Bobby

Bobby


VERY GOOD IDEA ^^^^^^

Now next time she contacts you are starts to push what are you gonna pour yourself a glass of?

Eric

It has been quite some time since I have reported and I for the most part gave up on salvaging the marriage. In the last several weeks I detatched totally and had been working on legal things for a separation agreement. Within the last several days there have beensome significant events. My wife learned of a friendship that developed with a woman and a woman I grew up with. These women have been good people and have been supportive during this long process. In any case my wife made contact to these woman to stop the relationship. My wife has been calling me multiple times in the day and night and now is actually talking and me listening to events that were problems in the marriage. She admitted that she realizes that it takes 2 in a relationship and that she for almost 2 years had shut me out.
I told her that we both made mistakes and the first thing to do is listen to each other and get counseling. She admiited to being jealous and that she still loves me. She is afraid that perhaps too much has happened in order for us to reconcile. She told me that it has been difficult for her and the cildren and that my children are angry with me because of these friendships. I did point out to my wife that she herself told me to date and find someone because there was no future for us. Ironicaly the legal paperwork for a separation is being done.
My wife is on the fence at present but I believe we can work through things. I did not tell my wife I love her but deep down I never stopped loving her. If I could get her to agree to counseling then perhaps it is a start. The ways of God are strange as I gave up on this marriage. Will post more as things develop. I do appreciate everyone who has posted to me in the past. Bobby O

Has there been Bobby?

Only you can answer that question.

And don't tell her.

Show her.



This bothers me. She is still doing the blame game and being the victim.

Not to say that you shouldn't think of reconciling Bobby.

What does it really look like to you when you would consider reconciling with her?



My advice? Letter her stay on the fence until she decides to step over to you side or rather the side of your M together.

I would not pursue her or make suggestions of counseling. Let her take that step for the M if she wants it.

This isn't about tit for tat Bobby.

Do you think this reconciliation process will have a chance of success if she is only doing it out of the emotion of anger and jealosy?

Let her keep sorting through her feelings.

You? Just keep listening. Validate those feelings etc. you know the drill.

Is it a good thing? Maybe. Just sit back and listen and more importantly watch.

When her actions back up her words to reconcile.

Then you can decide if that is enough for you to risk your heart and trust again Bobby.