"I'm not sure I can get those in love feelings back."
You know Bolt, human nature is amazing! One S acts and the other reacts. One S pushes and the other pulls. Look at everyones sitch. ALL our S act the same way and all us LBS's react the same way.
All I can tell you is that DB works. My W said the most hurtful things 4 months ago. I've now left har alone for three months and it's worked wonders. We are again ML often and this morning she said "I love you" to me first for the first time.
Now it's time for you to act and her to react. It's time to stop letting our WAS's lead. If we lead they will follow.
I keep hearing that kind of thing can happen. I know that when I detached even a little, she did come closer. My therapist called it a dance. By me pushing, it pushed her away. When I detach, I move away, causing her to move closer...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I LOVE the new guy that you have become. So stop thinking that. This tough guy exterior that you used to portray... the one who could just say screw it, I can find someone better, is not a good person. YOU, Bolt, are a GREAT person. Now, that doesn't mean that if you decide it's not working for you, that you're a bad person. If you do decide that, you are doing that with a lot of love and introspection in your heart. But, I don't think that is what you want. All you want is to stop the pain. Understand what is motivating you and your feelings right now: pain. Pain is an effective motivator, however, it yields bad results. Let putting your marriage back together be your motivator.
LOTS of great stuff. You have definitely helped me out of this funk. And you're right. Pain is the motivator right now. I can't stop thinking about certain things that she said instead of OTHER things she said. I will reevaluate for sure. Not sleeping and feeling like crap doesn't help..
oh and we have to show the house in a bit too...eeep...
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Do you detach more? Yes, but I don't think in the way you think. I mean I am pretty concerned you are saying you've lost your identity. Does that mean that you've wrapped your entire self and sense of being around saving your marriage? If so, then yes, you need to work on that and detach yourself from the outcome. Do you detach in that you distance yourself from your W? I don't think that is the right thing to do. She's insecure and she's lost and I don't see how doing that is going to help. You can still give her space while making sure that your thoughts, words and actions are always conveying that you are there for her.
I'm so glad you're here to say that. I needed to hear that from your perspective. That's exactly what I want to do. Give her space but still be that man that I KNOW she will slowly fall in love with.
Maybe this is that test. Can I still be that man through the hard times? Right now, I'm not BUT it's with you guys so she can't see it. I will work through this so when I do see her, she sees positive Bolt. Strong Bolt.
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Will you do me a favor? Go buy a book called Hold Me Tight. I'm reading it right now as it was one that was suggested on the Piecing Forum. It is providing me a lot of insight about what caused the breakdown, about patterns of conflict and about building the bridges back.
LIS
Thanks a ton, LIS. I will check out that book. I need all the help I can get.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
you are strong...so strong....a lesser man would have thrown in the towel a long time ago
not you - you know what you want and you are going after it the problem therein lies in just how to do this
this is new territory
it makes us second guess ourselves and who we are
we need to find the person that we are at our core
the person our spouse fell in love (thanks 2step) and could not live without
you are also funny (women love funny)
you are sensitive - moving to your w hometown has got to be tough for you, but you are looking after her needs
and i'm sure very handsome, with or without a cold
why grr, are you getting sweet on me?
I KID
I do appreciate the kind words. My kids say I'm funny. Funny looking! (little rat bast**ds:))
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romantic love is cyclical you must know that she will feel that again especially for women i think....lets face it, you guys can feel that sexual urge no matter what but when things are not good for us, we shut that part of us down as things progress and they will, she will not be able to keep her hands off of you just give her the time and space she needs and my support for you across my time and space
Such great advice especially from a woman. I need to hear that aspect for sure. I was chatting with the MIL this morning. She totally has my back and is echoing what you guys are saying - and she talks to my W almost daily. When I would bring up bad things she would say, "You are hearing it from a man's perspective. Hear it from a woman's"
I will say, I cried when I read the part about her not keeping her hands off me. I so long for that day again.
I just keep telling myself. Once we move, we can then do the work. Until then, don't sweat the stuff...
MUCH easier said than done...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I have to stop trying to look into things but right now I can't help it. I'm staying detached today and then W starts texting me.
She says, "I'm sorry I'm making you feel the way I have. I don't do it maliciously".
I'm not sure whether to take this as good, bad or don't take it at all...
I did go out and buy her one of her books. She's into Vampire porn and a new book from her favorite author came out today. I put a little bow on it and wrote, "Always thinking of you." and put it under her pillow.
Why? Because I still care about her and want to show her my love.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Actually, be happy about these times of vulnerability. They remind you of the NEW Bolt. If you put yourself into a position that you can't be hurt, then you can't be loved either.
As far as the text, take it as good. She, at least, acknowledges that she is hurting you. That's important. She cares about how you feel. I know about a dozen people on this forum who would cut off a limb for a message like that and for good reason. They need their feelings validated too. That's what she just did there for you.
Ok, this is where I am so pained to say what I am thinking. The book, so very, very sweet. But, maybe this is what she means by smothering? I don't know? I'm just thinking about that comment and wondering what it meant? Do you give her a lot of gifts? Maybe back off on that. This way you still can give her emotional support, but she doesn't feel like she owes you anything for the gifts. I don't know, just a thought...
As far as the text, take it as good. She, at least, acknowledges that she is hurting you. That's important. She cares about how you feel. I know about a dozen people on this forum who would cut off a limb for a message like that and for good reason. They need their feelings validated too. That's what she just did there for you.
Maybe not a limb, but I would easily give up a finger.
Stick in there bolt. You are where I want to eventually be. Your posts give me strength.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Ok, this is where I am so pained to say what I am thinking. The book, so very, very sweet. But, maybe this is what she means by smothering? I don't know? I'm just thinking about that comment and wondering what it meant? Do you give her a lot of gifts? Maybe back off on that. This way you still can give her emotional support, but she doesn't feel like she owes you anything for the gifts. I don't know, just a thought...
I'm praying for you.
LIS
I think the smothering is always being around. We've been having too much relationship talk. I think the checkins are too much for her right now. It's a good idea. Just not now.
The book is something I hardly ever did before. I want to continue to do this. I don't give many gifts because I want them to mean something. This is something that I feel that I heard her when she said she was excited for the book to come out.
We'll see how the reaction is...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
One S acts and the other reacts. One S pushes and the other pulls. Look at everyones sitch. ALL our S act the same way and all us LBS's react the same way.
This statement has hit home with me so much! You are so right! I have read so many of these threads, and you are right, the actions and reactions are almost exactly the same!
Out of nowhere, this statement has really confirmed what I need to do. I need to detach better. I need to do more for me, not just pretend.
But will that last! Haha, the ups and downs of this. It is agonizing...
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I am sorry I've been absent I just got caught up I will tell you I see somethings here. First you have been getting great advice SBH explained it perfectly.
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I'm going stay detached for the next few days.
You are not detaching. You are creating space. I will tell you why, actually you will tell us why.
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I'm having a hard time imagining myself without her right now
AND
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I'm having a hard time imagining myself without her right now.
Detachment with love means caring enough about your W to allow her to learn from her mistakes.
It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.
Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway
Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety
Detachment with love offers another option -- responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety.
If you are going to detach then do it for Bolt not expecting or reacting to anything that she says or does.
Make sense?
Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.
Keep your expectations low and you will never be disappointed.
