Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Valentine's Day questions

Well that end up being very difficult. After my therapy session, I went over to my brother-in-law's apartment to pick up my son. Wife, brother-in-law, and brother-in-law's girlfriend were all there. They were just going to relax and watch tv tonight.

As soon as I walk in, my wife points to her corner of the room where her air bed and table are and points to a setup of chocolates, three greeting cards, and a bouquet of Gerber daisies. They were from her brother and his girlfriend. How nice was that she asked?

I just went into a silenced shock for a few seconds and said how nice of them to do that for you.

I nearly broke down in front of all of them but calmly gathered my S and his things, said goodbyes and walk out the door. I received a text message just a few minutes later from my wife. "You seemed really upset. Was therapy ok?" I didn't answer. Five minutes later she calls and asks if everything is ok. I simply told her that it was difficult seeing the sentiments that her brother had gotten for her knowing that I could not show my feelings.

She understood how hard it is. She said that I am welcome to send her an email or text message tonight if I wanted to talk about it or how my therapy went.

I don't think that is going to happen tonight. As much as I want to spill my love to her right now, I can't. I may have even said too much that her brother's flowers effected me, since they were they same kind I got her after our first date and have ever since for the last five years.

Ugh.

Sparks,

Hang in there. I hope you enjoyed the night with your son. I can only imagine how that made you feel. But remember her brother was trying to make her feel better.

Our spouses dont seem to have any feelings for us right now, so what hurt you didnt even register to her. She just thought you would appreciate what her brother and gf did for her.

I know it doesnt make it any easier, I spent the evening with my kids and made bracelets for all our BFF's. Was pretty funny to have my little ones, my 15yr old and my 19yr old brother in law sitting around my table all making a beaded bracelet for our friends.

This was just another first for me this year. I made it through all the others, nothing left. All holidays have been put behind me, all birthdays have been put behind me. I made it through the year. It wasnt easy but i did it.

I know it is hard, and there isnt a quick fix. Hang in there, look for a positive in everyday that goes by. focus on that positive. You can do this, you son needs you to and more important, you need you too.

Thanks tank. Your words are very true. She was just excited that her brother did something nice for her. She was just happy and didn't think about it.

End up having a nice night with my S. Wife came in bright and early before I had to work and brought breakfast! Nice surprise. I made the coffee. She fed our S and put him down for a nap, so that gave us a chance to chat.

Later, I ended up telling her why I was not myself last night picking up our boy. I told her exactly how I felt about seeing the gifts given to her. The daisies that I have been giving to her for the last five years, etc. It old her that after sleeping on it, that I was happy to see her brother taking care of her in a time of need. That is just what she needed. This is why she was probably so excited to show me when I came in. We came to an understanding, and everything is clear. Just trying to keep the communication open and honest. I hope this did not break any rules.

Sparks

you were really upset that her brother got her stuff for Valentine's day
and
then you told her you were upset because you couldn't

holy pressure there buddy

you need to relax

getting stuff from her brother was NOT about rejecting you
not everything she does is a personal affront to you

and

then she had to try to make you feel better about you feeling like you couldn't get her anything????

Sparks
you need to man up and grow a set here (and I don't mean that to sound super harsh but it is a harsh reality)

if that is something you did with me (and I am not your wife)
I would want to smack you
simpering around and being bent out of shape is NOT attractive

(sidetrack)
2 years after my divorce, I was dating two guys...they both knew about each other...no secrets. One was confident and let me know he liked me but he was willing to hang out for a bit while I decided...never did he say he would wait forever...he said he was OK with it now but would let me know when he wasn't.

the other was a clinger...he constantly sent me lovey cards and called just to hear my voice and when I finally broke up with him because I liked the other guy better and it was to a point where I didn't want it to be casual anymore
he went into hardcore persuing
he bought me a $500 necklace (Not a jewelry fan)
he sent me tickets and money and flowers and cried and told me how much he loved me
I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he was a nice guy but it was like instead of caring that I didn't want THIS anymore, he cared more about how he felt...he even came for Christmas and cried and said he wanted a Christmas Miracle...really???

very unattractive to be that needy

needless to say, I brought him to a hotel and never spoke to him again (and returned all his jewelry etc and gave him back the money)

no one wants a needy nancy

you need to suck it up

what beautiful flowers...I am glad your brother and his girlfriend remembered Gerbera Daisies are your favorite...(s look to her brother) thanks for remembering

smile

don't make her comfort you
weakness and vulnerability are two different things
weakness is NOT attractive

Sparks, I have to agree with figgeroni on this one.

Right now you need to keep all your emotions in check. I know that is next to impossible right now, but you need to find a way.

She doesnt want the pressure you are giving her, and you are just going to drive her away. keep a smile on your face at all times and "fake it until you make it" if you have to.

Focus all your attention on your s, let her come to you and when she does, support her, validate her feelings. Dont argue and dont push your feelings onto her.

Sparks ... I understand fully why seeing that was hard on you.

However, you need to distance yourself from this crazy W called your W. You need this space because this is a great opportunity for you. You have somehow gotten into a rut thinking that being nice to women and buying them things etc. is what they want.

Do you ever feel like women are attracted to jerks? They're not. They're attracted to confident, strong men. The least attractive thing you can do now is get bent out of shape in front of her about VDay.

You need to stop being a nice guy, and re-learn how to be a bull. There are some books on the subject which may be useful for you. They were very useful to me ... to help me figure out how I had become somebody that was always worried about my W's happiness instead of my own.

You are in charge of your own life .... time to figure out how to make yourself happy. Crazy W? She's her problem now.

I understand. I have been an emotional wreck, but I need to keep them in check. There have been certain instances where I have broken into tears in front of her, and it really pisses me off. I know that it is not attractive. It is pressuring. It makes me feel like I don't have a pair. I fight them, but they just make them out. My W says that it is perfectly okay to cry when the emotion is overwhelming. She mentions how many times in the last five years that I have consoled her while she was in tears. I understand that is trying to console me, but I need to man up and not let that happen now. Thanks for the input.