Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Always and Forever??????

Absolutely. I agree with 25ymlc. When I read your post, I wondered at your H's response in regard to son's arrangement. But, knowing how my H has been with his own, no shocker.

Continue to be challenged with S's acting out. His frustration gets the best of him - right now his anger towards his dad is eating away at him. He "hates" him so much / I tell him that we need to work through this either on our own or with a counselor. Honestly - just breaks my heart. It's not fair.

And it is exhausting. Not only me trying to get over - but being strong for S to get through it as well.

At the end of the day though - I am blessed with S in my life - and my girls have been amazing as well.

Keep moving forward...

Irish,

Just a thought. I understand a 16 yo boy being angry, confused and acting out. They do that even when nothing is going on. Is there someone in his life, a coach, best friend's Dad, grandfather, uncle, sister's boyfriend, etc. Someone on an unofficial basis that he could feel comfortable talking to?

He may be very uncomfortable sharing his inner fears, etc with a stranger, but there may be someone out there, a male, that he is comfortable enough with to take the Male role here, since his Dad is tied up, so to speak.

Thanks Punkin - I do need to reach out to someone who S can turn to - he has responded well to counselor - but I think it is a male he needs.

Lots of self reflection this weekend. Trying to be kinder to myself. Went to pilates and have stayed fairly quiet today. Some moments of tears. Unfortunately I have had visions of H dancing close and looking lovingly into the eyes of whatever new woman he determines is the "one" for him. But then I let it go -

I recently read "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." I still spend too much time worrying about the life I thought we had planned - the one when we were together. So that life is gone - what does my new life look like?

I am healthy, balanced, centered.
I have regular contact with my kids, family and friends.
I reach out and do kind things for others.
I smile.
I sleep.
I laugh.
I cook, I bake.
I craft.
I pray.
I am grateful.

I want to learn from this experience. I want to learn to forgive myself. I want to learn to forgive H. I want to get back to the place where I don't know about the seedy side of life. I want to believe in goodness and not be a fool to first believe rather than doubt.

I pray this is the life that waits...

I love this! "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned" Yes to that!

Nice to see you are thinking of your future. Be kind to yourself and please remember this is NOT about you. This is something your h must go through and experience.

It is so sad and unfair, but life does go on whatever life you are blessed with.

I think you've hit the nail on the head Irish. To be willing and able to let go of the life we had planned. It's a death, a grieving process I'm just now coming out of.

You are doing great!

Greetings all,

This is my first post - I'm new to this game and to this world. My sitch - W announced she was moving to guest room on March 1st, wanted to separate. I was devastated, listened to her pain, did not fight back, recognized I had not been the husband she needed, re-committed myself to her and our two girls and gave her space. After 6 weeks, we reconciled and she came back to the bed and we had a couple great months in sort of a 'new honeymoon' phase. Late summer, however, she withdrew again. This time said she needed to separate and when I told her I would not leave my house, my kids, my dog, everything I loved and had worked for, she decided to move out. Left us Oct 9 for an apt 2 miles away. EVERYONE who knows and loves us is flabbergasted, hurt, bewildered, confused. From what I have gleened from this site and other sources, she is a classic WAW in a full-blown MLC. She has even admitted it, said she suspects doing this could be a big mistake, does not appear happy, but conflicted, guilty, pained, and confused.

BUT, she's gone and while she is around a lot to be with our younger daughter (the older one is furious and will not go near her), I am hurting beyond belief . . . it is more than a nightmare. It's only been one month and I know my cue is to be patient, accepting, and forgiving, it is killing me to do so. She is wrecking my family, creating a financial mess at the worst possible time (older daughter starts college next year), and hurting some many people I've lost count. Friends and family who've loved her like a sister cannot fathom her actions or (lack of) feelings.

It is, as glamgirl said, so sad and unfair. Don't know what I'm asking for at this point . . . . just wanted to enter the forum and try to gain some hope and wisdom from this very learned, deeply experienced community. I've read the DR and recognize that this is all about her and I need to focus on the things I can control, taking care of my kids and making myself the best person possible. But God it's hard. I love and miss her so.

Best to all who are in similar situations. I am praying for you and ask you do the same for us.

Me 55
H 50
D 12
D 17
M 21
T 24
W moved out 10/09/10

Markk -

I am very sorry for your pain and for this terrible situation. I really encourage you to keep posting and use this site as a way to work through the challenges.

There are some amazing resources that you should read, re-read, again and again. Right now your daughters need your stability and attention. The less you pay attention to your wife's behaviors and the more you are able to "normalize" yours and your kids lives - the better you all will be.

Everyone keeps telling me to remember that this is not about me - so I'm going to pass it on to you / it's NOT about you. You have the capacity to transition through midlife and not lose yourself - your w and my h do not have that capacity.

Keep posting!

Markk,

Welcome to the MLC board. Sorry that you find yourself here but it is full of wonderful, caring people who have walked or are walking this journey with you.

May I suggest that you start a thread of your own. That way Cadet can come in and give you some very helpful resource reading material.

As IB said, keep posting!

Markk,

it's important to start your new thread so we don't get confused as to who's advising who. But you're otherwise in the right place. And you read Div Remedy so that's great.

Although we say "this is all about her" the thing is, YOU have to be all about YOU now. Because all you can control is you, your reactions, your proactive changes in life, new classes or hobbies and new people in your life, etc, is something you can and MUST do. That's the GAL, and having a Pos Mental Attitude too. I KNOW that's hard (it's Mother Teresa hard, trust me, been there, done that).
But you must remember this:

You have children watching how a man of dignity and grace, responds to a big body blow. Someday, they too, will face a betrayal and setback as you are now. Show them that although your pain is deeply felt, it is NOT fatal. Show them that although your pain is not fleeting, it is also not eternal.

You will get through this. You will laugh again, you will have love in your life again and for now, remember that YOU have the children! Unfair burden? Sure...but you must realize how lucky you are for that.

Most men lose their wives AND a chunk of their kids' lives when their wives go batchit on them. You won't, and for that, you must be grateful. Remind the kids that YOU will be there for them b/c they need MAJOR reassurances now. This has rocked their world. The ONE person who is always supposed to be there for you, (to kids)
is a mother. Sure, fathers are supposed to as well, but in reality, often the dads are not around. You are. That counts.

My kids say that what helped them most was when I told them that if the only way I could have THOSE people (ie my kids) in my life, was to go through all the pain and upheaval of our m and my h's MLC, I would again in a heartbeat. They're worth it. They did not cause any of our problems. IN fact, they were a big part of why I DB'd in the first place. They knew/know that I will always make them the priority in my life and that no matter what, I won't leave. This counts more now than ever. Reassure them, please.

No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction between the father of her children and them. You'll never regret rising to the occasion as you must now.
Will post more later when you have your own thread. Keep posting, you are in the right place.