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I guess I should put up positive news also. Just like Fox News, fair and balanced

Had an enjoyable time at the show yesterday (it was kinda like the Blue Man Group, except with dancing). It was just the thing to lift both our moods. Before the show though, W got upset with my MIL. MIL implied that one of my hobbies was stupid and I just shrugged it off, but W was about to tell her M to shut up! W was never the type to stick up for me before.

In other positives for our sitch, W said 'you know I love you, right?', which was the first time I've heard that from her sober in probably 8 months! I told her I knew. She also mentioned earlier in the day that I was the only person she could talk to about things as I'm the only one who understands her. We hugged a lot yesterday which was good for both of us. These are the things I need to remember and focus on. Maybe the rollercoaster is heading back uphill...

The latest in journaling technology:
W has been anti-social for the past several days, not wanting to be around anyone to the point that her best friend called with an emergency Saturday night and W couldn't go to their house to help (45 min away). W's friend has been wonderful to me also, so I volunteered to watch their dogs overnight while they dealt with emergency. W felt bad that she just couldn't get herself to help out. Emergency turned out ok in the end.

Still, while W didn't want anyone else's company, she did say she wanted mine. We ended up talking about the apartment I'm getting (today), bills, etc and it was a relaxed convo.

Best part, though, was that by last night (and a couple of bottles of wine) we were watching movies together and holding each other close. Actually spent the night in her bed snuggling with her. W has been having nightmares recently, but last night she didn't have any; in fact, I heard her chuckle in one of her dreams. Best part of all was that she woke up early and wanted to snuggle some more before she had to get up for work. Been ages since we've done that.

It's weird, but right now it looks like separating is actually drawing us closer. Don't know if it quite counts as piecing yet, but it feels close.

Hope this gives some of you some confidence that things can work out, because W talked about D just two months ago. No guarantees yet, but hopeful.

Looks like I crested a hill on this &*^^% roller coaster, but not because of anything W did, but because I picked up the keys to my new apartment. Something inside me just snapped, it's like all the fun had been sucked out of the day and left me numb.

W met with her C yesterday and we had a light dinner and tv afterward. I'm sure she saw that I was numb and distant, we just weren't clicking. I went to bed early (back in my bed, not ours) after giving W a half-hearted hug. Still feeling a bit down this morning, almost want to cry off and on. Ugh.

The day will get better I know. Well, I know it intellectually, just have to convince myself emotionally.

LP - I just got caught up on your sitch. Everything to me sounds pretty positive. I would die to sleep in the same bed with my wife right now. I would love for her to tell me that she loves me.

Man. Keep up[ the good work.

I think you stepping back and giving her space will work in your case. It almost sounds like your W does not want to let you go.

What has helped me the most in my sitch has been three main strategies.

180s, GAL, and detach

Not saying that all will apply to you, but the wouldn't hurt at this time, especially with you moving out right now. Show her the most positive you imaginable.

Thanks for the encouragement sparks! Been doing the 180s, GAL and detaching to various levels of success, still backslide from time to time but fewer and farther between.

One thing I still need clue x 4s on is expectations. Getting better, but when things go well those pesky expectations start creeping back in. Like today, haven't heard from W since last night before bed (I leave for work before she gets up). We usually send each other emails off and on through the day. The one I sent this morning was friendly, not pursuing and short. No response at all. Again, I expect to hear back but don't which then weighs on me.

The kids sitch in our case is different than I've seen in other threads here. W doesn't like being around my boys, so when I have them over she goes off and does things. This is one of the big sticking points in our R (that and her continued friendship w/OM). I have them tonight, so I may not see W until our C session tomorrow evening. Then again, absence does make the heart grow fonder, right?

Tonight's goal: fake it til I make it, no matter who's watching!

W finally emailed back saying how busy she was at work and what the vet said about our dog. OK, detaching hasn't been my strongest trait lately, and I remember now why I called myself *learning* patience.

Both of us get off of work in half an hour so as part of my detachment and such I'll just wait until I see her this evening/tomorrow to respond. I've been busy too, right?

Been on a bit of an emotional tilt-a-whirl last few days. Think I'm finally getting back to where I want to be.

Had our C appt last night. I left having mixed feelings. W and I have been acting like roommates past few days and she brought that up in the session. Brought up how rude and disrespectful she thought my boys were. C tried to get her to hone in on how they were disrespectful, etc. Finally came to the conclusion that S14 is condescending, talks too much and doesn't respect his elders (i.e. me and XW). W begrudgingly admitted S12 wasn't too bad to be around. I also brought up the snuggling we did early this week. W seemed non-plussed about it, it was no big deal she seemed to say.

We talked a lot about W being on her own and having her own space. How often we'd visit each other, ground rules, etc. W really wants time just to herself, she's tired of most of our friends. This will be complicated by our upcoming trip to Asia with 3 of those same friends. We'll be spending 17 days together. At least for most of the trip we each have our own rooms.

W admitted after session that MC isn't really doing anything for her now. I agreed, W needs to work on her own issues before working on us. Was feeling less than hopeful after MC. Went out for dinner after and talked more. Even with this pseudo-negativity, W mentioned positive things about the future.

I'd realized this morning that I've been moping (probably about the move) and that there really are a lot of positives in our sitch. Haven't been doing a very good job at reminding myself of that. Might need some encouragement and/or 2x4s from the studio audience out there

After our therapy sessions, my W and I try to leave all of the heavy stuff in the room of the therapist. As soon as we walk out the doors, we try and be positive regardless of how positive or negative the session felt. This last time, we also went out for a few beers after. The talk turned from small talk about her job with me just actively listening to her, to heavier stuff about our sitch. I am not sure the moment it turned or who initiated it. I do remember reminding my W about our promise to keep R talk at therapy. She thanked me and said that she was okay talking about it. If it got too heavy, she would call a timeout. She actually mentioned that she felt more comfortable talking to me than our couples therapist which was interesting. (I don't think she is clicking with our therapist.) In the end, I think we both got positives out of it. I dropped her back off with a mind full of questions and confusion, but that is understandable given our sitch. At least it ended with a huge hug that she initiated again.

So my suggestion is to take the positives. Every small one will add up for you and you self confidence. That is important for you to DB.

Guess I haven't posted any of my own adventures in a bit. I had forgotten that my W is still a WAS, so some of the things she has said surprised me until I realized she's still in a fog. For instance, she still spends time with OM going to movies, dinner etc., but she was somewhat freaked out when she was out with OM and saw some co-workers. She didn't want any rumors to start. Hello? Yet she also told her C that on our upcoming trip, I'm the only one she trusts to keep her safe while going out at night. That the two of use have the closest interests in terms of travel. C asked her "well, what does that tell you?"

Enough about her, it's all about me now Moved into apt this weekend and W helped with everything but mattress and couch. Spent a lot of time talking and drinking on Sat. She did most of the talking and I listening. One thing drove me a little crazy though. On Fri I asked if she wanted to see a local band after our soccer game. She said she had plans to see band with OM. Of course I was angry, but rather than lash out or say something stupid I kept quiet. Next day, W's complaint was that she knew I was angry but I didn't say anything. I need to talk more. I agreed with her, but inside thought that I was in a catch-22. The clue by 4 I needed was having expectations (though she did mention to me Wed she wanted to see band). Not sure what I could have said Fri night that would have helped us along.

Some positives for me from this weekend. Apt is mostly set up; tv, internet, Wii/streaming movies. Friend who helped me move bed/couch is newly engaged. At one point I told him "let me give you some advice from someone who f'd up two M," and he replied "you didn't f up this M". Also got a big hug from MIL after returning her minivan from the move, telling me she knows how hard it must be for me. Finally, apt is near a major university and the campus cuties are already out jogging by. Can't wait for spring!

Finally, have to say that it was a little weird in the new apt last night, but I wasn't sad at all, just a little numb maybe. Slept well too. Good start so far...

Today's journalistic exploration: feelings.... nothing more than feeeee-lings (heh, sorry for the earworm).

Monday W and I had plans to do something together. We decided to just get take out and watch a streaming tv show at the house. I picked up a bottle of wine on the way over along with the food. Had a little small talk and sat down to eat, drink and watch tv. After I finished my glass of wine and the show was almost over (42 minute show) I had an overwhelming urge that I didn't want to be there. I actually wanted to go shopping instead! Told W I should go and she really wanted me to stay for one more glass and another episode. It was a two part episode so I agreed. Had big hug afterward and did go shopping like I had planned. Got text later from W thanking me for the enjoyable evening.

I realized I forgot my leftovers but assumed they'd be fine until Friday when I'm staying over to watch the animals (W out of town for weekend). W emails next morning saying I can come by to pick them up, she may or may not be there. I figure it's on my way to get my boys so I agree. Get there after work, hoping I don't run into her. Just as I was leaving, W pulls up and we chat for a minute. Get into car (no hugs) and take boys to see my new apt.

W texts later asking how boys like the apt. I respond 1/2 hour later that they like it, reminds them of apt I had after D. Then, boys M comes to pick them up and I show her the place. We talk for a couple of minutes and I'm in a hallway where she's uncomfortably close to me. That was also weird for me, as she wasn't physically close, but my personal space must have mushroomed out at the time. Not going to try to psychoanalyze why I suddenly don't want to be near either 1st or 2nd W.

Not exactly a Pulitzer-worthy story I know, but it's helpful for me to write it down.