Hi MZ, Good luck in piecing. Feeling very sad and upset the last couple of days so I cant help much. Only thing I can say now is that it is natural the secrets bother you, secrets=affair in your head. But it sounds like this secret was innocent? Take care, K
Yes, innocent, I agree. Affairs are so damaging. I was the most secure and trusting wife. It deeply saddens me that something so innocent and one that involved my sweet son had such a negative impact on me. It hurt all of us.
I needed to give my H the time and space to come out of his MLC. Now I need the time and space to recover from the A. Strange how I often feel blamed and shamed for MY reactions to this all. Wish I could be as calm and as gracious as Meg Ryan in The Women (movie) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0430770/ Wish I had a Candice Bergen mother figure to guide me the way she did.
BTW, great....fantastic movie. It's a true DB movie if you ask me.
I'm skipping over to Kalni's thread now.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
H and I have had a breakthrough of sorts. Incredible emotional closeness these past few days. I've been working hard on myself and the changes I nxxd ...wish to make. This, in turn, has brought H along in his actions and support towards me...then I move jumbo steps ahead. It's been hard to change my behaviors....XXX I am doing it and it is paying off.
I am working on dropping the words "need" and "but" from my vocabulary when talking with H. Also watching my tone/intonations/volume/level/rate when we talk. Watching my facial expressions. "I can hear you better when you don't look so mad."
Interesting that we are both having dreams about our home getting damaged. H dreamed (dreamt or dreamed?) the dogs tore up all the carpets and rugs and there were fibers/tuffs everywhere and "WE" had to clean it up. I had a dream about all this debris being dumped on our yard...concrete blocks from an old highway project. Messes inside and out. However, the theme of the dreams are that "WE" work together to clean it all up.
H hand-wrote me a restitution letter (to her) which he gave to me to have. I can keep it or I can mail it to her. I'm siting on it.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Well, today (April Fool's) is the 6 month date I had in my head to give myself time to decide if I wanted to stay in M or leave it.
I'm deciding to stay.
I went looking for an e-mail correspondence H and I had about this. Came across several reminders of A. Got me down. I will take some time to work my way out of this.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
6. Do not ask for help from family members. I don't have too many family members. Plus I didn't want family to know. Sister figured it out and that was hard because she is still angry with him and wanted me to leave him.
7. Do not ask for reassurances. This is something I actually did do. H never wanted to leave and said he wanted our M. An early agreement was that he should reassure me.
8. Do not buy gifts. Tough one. H's LL is buying him little gifts. Since part of my 180 was to turn and pay more attention to him, I did buy him a couple of little things. Nothing big. It was more like getting him the beer he likes. This was only because he really needed to know I wanted him. I came across as selfish to him, he felt I never thought of him.
9. Do not schedule dates together. He never left. I didn't schedule outings tho. I let him do it.
10. Do not spy on spouse. I once got out of work early and drove to his office instead of home. Then I was unsure if I should have done that. Long story short, he thought I was spying on him, accused me of it and said it built up a wall. I didn't feed into it. Told him that was not my intention and left it at that. Normally I would have driven my point home. Now that we are solidly in Piecing, I'm going to ask him about that day. I'll let you know what he says.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Don't want to jinx anything. Things are still going well. I don't like feeling like I have my thumb on the thermostat and he doesn't. As long as I'm happy and not triggering everything seems great.
Had a little trip the beginning of the week and had a lot of fun. Decided to ask a question I had burning in my brain. Asked in a very calm/even tone way. H still got a bit nudgy/defensive. We made it thorough. In MC yesterday he stated that the guilt and shame it brings up for him is hard for him to handle. I'm thinking he is maybe more human for feeling guilt. He doesn't show much emotion (unlike me)and so it's hard for me to read him sometimes. BTW, most people like my expressiveness and energy. H seems to misread it as...I don't know what.
I'm still feeling the need to put more of the piece of the puzzle together. However, the place I'm in now I didn't think I would ever get here. I'm still scared, still paranoid at times. This bothers me. Had the idea to go to his office and check email....I won't.
gotta go..son calling
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
