Rue, I feel your pain. You are not alone. We have all made mistakes. They are in the past, they cannot be undone. This was like a bullet from a rifle, it cannot be called back.
You were obviously upset. I would have been too. When we act out of anger or fear we are reacting. Often that benefits who or what is antagonizing us. Take a deep breath, detach from the negative emotions of this, find your center, plan your next few steps and possible outcomes, evaluate and adjust. These are all fluid situations. There is no one solution that will fit them all. IMO you did not ruin anything, your H had to have been expecting it on some level.
Bursting Mode is right the best we can do is evaluate, learn and try not to repeat.
Your kids have given you something to work on you can find strength in. Being strong is a good place to be. It always helps to find an anchor point to work from.
Please do not let this stop you
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Rue First off welcome. I can relate, my S is also involved in an A. It is a pain like we never could have imagined, but we must pick ourselves up. I did a similar thing to my S about her going to see this dink, only I did it over the phone. People in our sitch are bound to slip up. People just don't acquire the skills to handle this sitch overnight. It takes time. After I slipped, I pulled myself up, got back to my LRT/ 180, gave it time, and once again have noticed small changes for the better. Remember the WAS is a strange, unpredictable, and selfish creature not to be confused with your S. So keep posting and keep your head up. Also, have you been working on a 180?
grr, i feel horrible today. how do i stop thinking what he is doing with her? I know he flew to be with her for the next few days. Things like this happening makes it hard to have hope. You say let him see the woman he fell in love with, how? he isnt here to see it. i know i dont deserve to be treated this way. but i have so much guilt about how i couldve prevented this from happening. this isnt the first time H has left or had other EA. In both instances H claimed the OW was "nice". I know i wasnt NICE all the time but it was because of his behaviors and truthfully just sometimes i had no excuse. I just didnt treat him nice. Not always, occasionally. I just want so much to have a chance to fix our marriage. But all i think about now is him being with this OW and what there doing and how hes not home with me. So painful. Do they come back? Also does anyone have info or personal experiences with there spouses being a serial cheater or sex addiction?
iwllbd1, thank you for your response. im sorry you're in an bad situation too. I honestly feel like im a rollercoaster. My mind in consumed right now because i know he is with her right now, with what are they doing. That he's sleeping in her bed tonight, etc.... There has been very little communication between us since he left in dec. If we text its only about very general subjects. Never anything personal. I am trying the LRT technique but kinda screwed that up yesterday when i found out he was going to see her. BTW she lives out of state. I just cant get my mind off the fact that they are together at this very minute. Thanks again for writing.
Rue Once again I can relate to you. The dink lives about 7 hours away, they met through work. They don't see each other real often but the times when I can piece together that she is with him are beyond hard for me. I go in and out of spurts were I am on sleeping meds. I do look at there distance as a positive and maybe you should too. She will never move away from our D2 and I have to believe he will not leave his home. If I am correct, the A will fizzle out. In the mean time we must GAL our butts off. At one point in time our S found us more appealing than any other person on god's earth....make it happen again
I decided to text H and apologize for my angry words i left him on a text after finding out he went to visit ow. I need him to see the nice me. After all thats why he went for the OW because she was so easy to be nice to. I hope I did the right thing. Can a H really just throw his M, W, F away for someone who is nice? How can that be? I keep thinking that everyone is nice in the beginning. How long do these A's last?
Have you read DR or DB? When your H had the A the first time, did the two of you go into C? Is he still living at home?
As hard as it is, try not to take the things he says seriously. They will be very hurtful, but don't give in. He is treating you bad because it makes him feel better. It's a bully complex. He blames you for all the problems in the M to justify his A. But think about it. Was he really a saint this whole time? He had an A before. He's got the issues not you.
Stand strong and detach your feelings for him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Rue What happened to you. I hope you keep us updated on your sitch. This community is here to help one another and your part of it now. These are dark days, we help finding the light. Please keep posting and we'll be here.
