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Your words in your last post gave me some strength to get through a hard day. GAL is going to be very important for me today and for the future.

W and I have our next couples therapy session tomorrow. I am going to take you and Figgeroni's advice just to be a good listener this session. Instead of putting pressure on her for the hurt she has caused with her affair, take a step back and listen well for reasons why our relationship was vulnerable to allow it to happen. Like you said..

Thanks Sparks,

After a difficult day of waiting, Beckie finally messaged me last night:

"Hey just wanted to say happy valentines day even though with what were dealing with or isn't a very good holiday but as your friend I wanted to say hi on this day of love!! Not been that good of for me dealing with [14 year old daughter] and her getting suspended for smoking in the bathroom but I'm trying to deal with this with patience and understanding hope you has a better day!"

Throughout the day I had been thinking that she was deliberately not talking, because I believed that after getting the divorce papers notarized, she was trying to distance herself from me.

That was a mistake on my part. It led to feelings of anguish and despair inside of me which fortunately I did not act upon, but made me feel like hell.

Now I feel there is some hope because she is still coming to me in crisis.

Not sure how to help her with this crisis but I know that she is hurting. I am thinking of sending her an email, suggesting she can either go to a counselor on her own, or even together if she wants to get some unbiased perspective.

Not sure yet if that is the best thing for me to do, so I'm just putting it out there to see how it might feel.

Hmmm. Maybe that is just what she is doing with the divorce papers...

My Friends,

I would love to get your feedback on the email I am considering sending my WAW this morning, who is constantly in anguish about her life right now...



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Beckie,

I don't like seeing you in pain so I am writing to see what I can do to help.

I understand that right now you are feeling angry, unhappy, confused, alone...so many different things.

And my heart really goes out to you having to deal with [14 year old daughter] and [8 year old son] and everything else alone, while totally understanding that right now you feel a very strong need to listen to your heart and gain confidence in yourself and your decisions.

One thing I have often seen with us and have really come to respect, is that you are generally more intuitive, and I am generally more logical. You are often more comfortable being in your body without any need to think, and I am often more comfortable being in my head without any need to feel.

But I have also learned that in order to make good decisions, a person must listen to both their head and their heart.

Right now I feel that even if we are nothing more than friends, then certainly we can still help each other better understand and balance our thoughts and feelings, and start making better decisions for ourselves.

I also feel that part of the challenge right now, is that because you are so determined to stand up for yourself and make your own decisions, it might be harder for you to accept any help from me.

I feel that right now it is difficult for you to receive unbiased support from me, because we both know I am strongly biased towards us staying married and working through our challenges together, which appears to the polar opposite of the direction you are headed.

I feel that even if I offer you something good, there is an automatic suspicion, withdrawal or defence put up against it, that prevents you from receiving it.

Of course I could be mistaken, but that is how it feels.

Still, that doesn't take away my need to reach out to you when you're in pain.

Right now I have some ideas for how we can help each other start feeling better. Can I safely share some of my thoughts with you by email, in order to learn more about your feelings and see if I can help you get through all of this?

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What do you think? Send it? Don't send it? Anything I could improve?

Thanks,

Mike

Or maybe a shorter version?

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Beckie,

I don't like seeing you in pain so I am writing to see what I can do to help.

I understand that right now you are feeling angry, unhappy, confused, alone...so many different things.

My heart really goes out to you having to deal with [14 year old daughter] and [8 year old son] and everything else alone, while totally understanding that right now you feel a very strong need to listen to your heart and gain confidence in yourself and your decisions.

I have also been learning how to trust my own instincts and make better decisions for myself.
Is this something you feel comfortable talking about through email?

I have some ideas for things I feel can help us.

----------

???

Even better still?

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I don't like seeing you in pain so I am writing to see what I can do to help.

I understand that right now you are feeling angry, unhappy, confused, alone...so many different things.

I also know that the most important thing right now is your own health and happiness, and right now the kids are a constant challenge.

Can I offer you some suggestions and support for how to deal with [14 year old daughter]?

Don't send any of the emails. It is pursuing.

You are making this about "your" feelings.

You are trying to fix her.

Dang. Thank you Sandi.

Wish I'd got that sooner, but thank you for helping me see that old pattern I am still indulging in of trying to force things to go my way, instead of just taking my cues from her and God and letting things naturally unfold.

At any rate, here's the message I sent before I saw your message:

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Good morning, Babe

Hope you got some rest.

I understand that right now you are feeling angry, confused, alone...so many different things that my heart can't help but continue to reach out to you.

Hate to see you in pain, so I'm just writing to see how I can help.

Let me know if you want to talk about [daughter] or anything else you desire. Email, text or telephone. Whatever you prefer.

Michael

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Thought I was being understanding telling her again that I am here, but I see now that she already knows I'm here and the best conversations we have come after she has been the one to initiate them.

Thank you again, Sandi.
Your post was extremely helpful and will serve as a great reminder for me in the future.

I agree with sandi here I don't see any reason to send the letter other than to pursue

Okay so here's another opportunity for me to face my fears and put my insecurities even further behind me.

Yesterday I was feeling really anxious and in anguish about not hearing from her all day. Tells me I am still feeling too dependent and attached - I'm still allowing myself to indulge in feelings that do not serve me, I'm still relying on her to help me to feel better.

Sandi helped me see that the "compassion" I felt that I was showing, was just a story that I was telling myself - an excuse to remain in constant contact with my wife.

My wife is a big girl. Perfectly able, willing and eager to figure things out on her own.

I am the Lighthouse, always present and reliable.
Not the multi-tentacled squid reaching out to grab her!

What is WONDERFUL about your day today?
What is DELICIOUS about YOU?

Correct that. My wife is not a big girl. She is a grown woman.