I'm going to post something that I used when I first started through this.
Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.
We get the two confused.
We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.
When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.
When you argue, you're working at improving them.
When you try to reason with them.
When you tell them how much you love them.
Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.
You are telling them that you have changed, and what they are hearing is that you haven't changed and you just want your way.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay for now
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, they want to defend you.
Right now , just try to relax, breathe , and get some sleep...
I went and talked with a lawyer yesterday. I brought some papers home for the W and I to fill out and get back to the lawyer. I filled out some of the papers before my W got off work and she stopped by and we spoke about what was going to happen. The first thing I said to her was that I was tired of all of the hurtful things being said between us and from this point forward I only wanted to talk about the kids or the divorce if needed. We shook hands and agreed. She took the papers then went to a girl friend's house. I told her I needed the deeds to our house and another piece of property that we have. She told me to go to the house and get whatever and she would fill out the papers tonight and get them back to me later. She texted me about 9:00 and asked if I would mind if she took the papers in tomorrow. I told her she could do whatever she wanted to do but that I had the deeds. She didn't respond and I was not going to push the issue. The funny thing is she doesn't even know the lawyers name or where the office is located.
Actually now that I am following through on whatever she wants maybe the tables will turn. I don't know I am just going to follow through with what she wants and work on myself a little at a time. I am a good man that didn't deserve what she is putting me through and I know she knows this. I for some reason really think she was lying about the OM, I think she said all of this just to devastate me and see if I would divorce her. I could be wrong and we will see today if she follows through on her part of the divorce. Actually I think maybe reality might be setting in and she might wake up to this is really happening. I am not going to hold my breath and I am going to act as if this is the best possible solution, just what she wants. I am a poker player and I am usually pretty good at spotting a bluff. I could be wrong but I have my doubts about all of this. I guess what I am thinking is that when you are hurt you want to hurt the person that has hurt you.
I am going to be the dark man and she will have to contact me for any information. I really don't know if this is the proper way to think about all of this stuff. But all I have left are a few threads holding this marriage together. I never in this whole situation ever wanted to divorce my wife. But now I think that may be exactly what I need to do to wake her out of the fog. I will continue reading posts and learning what I need to do to at least fix me because I flat out know I can't fix my wife.
I can't wait for a good night of sleep. I so wish that none of you were on this board, because I know how this is making me feel about life. I wish I had a pill for the WAS but it doesn't exist. I will learn from my mistakes and move on with my life.
Thanks for the advice and keep it coming. I will slowly start posting on all of your threads when I get a clearer mind.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Hey Seminole - you are quie today. You ok> Please chk in with us.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
I am working on detatching. She called yesterday asking questions about the water heater and asked when I would be available to install a new one. I did miss a couple of her calls not on purpose but because I lost my phone. You may not see the humor in this but my wife thought I wasn't going to talk to her anymore. Well I told her the truth and installed the water heater as an upbeat very happy man. No talk of OM, no talk of our relationship, just daily talk and quite a bit of talking about the girls. So I give my self a happy face for being a good man.
I am a new man today. I know I didn't deserve what she has said she has done but I also know I can live with out her in my life. I would prefer to keep my family intact but I just don't see that happening in the near future. Something is fishy about what is going on with her right now and I am just going to sit back and see what happens. I am the better catch and I realized everything that I have done wrong needs to be fixed, so I am going to make changes to better me and quit worring about who or what she is doing. I am starting to remember what I was like before I became the lazy man in my marriage. Now I just need to get him back out and live like a normal man should.
I like it how all of you have been helping me out and I really feel you have lifted my spirits. I thank you!
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Yesterday was a tough day! I gave my daughters Valentine gifts and they gave me my favorite candy. I asked if they got their mom anything and they hadn't. I offered them some money to go and get something for her but my oldest said she had money and I didn't think I needed to sound needy or over the top. So I said she would probably like something from the both of you.
I found out that my oldest daughter is engaged at 17. Her grades are terrible and I don't even know if she is going to be able to graduate next year. When it rains it pours.
I never in my life thought I would put my life on any type of forum. This just goes to show you that you never know what is going to happen in life. My old motto about life is coming back full force. Good things come to those who wait! I have nothing on my plate but time and I hear time heals all wounds. So that is my new reflection on my life.
Well it's going to be a good day, I slept for a change and I am not near as sad as I was yesterday. I will get myself pulled together in due time. Climbing out of this hole is going to take a steady and strong man. I know that guy and I kind of like him.
Have a great day everyone! Thanks for all of your input.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
