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LIS - point taken (not about the beach because I'm going to keep rubbing it in - once the big quake comes and I'm underwater, you can rub it back in - although I am POSITIVE your mortgage is a ton less than mine - for that I am HUGELY jealous....)

BUT

on topic.

Funny thing just happened a little bit ago. Just to show you all how things can get better.

W is home today and she likes to have her "space". I was working upstairs but had a question so I came downstairs and sat next to her for a bit. After we chatted, she showed me something online. The kids came down and I still sat there. Then she said, "Ok, get up! I'm done."

I didn't even think about it as bad or anything. I knew she had work to do and wasn't put off at all.

I went to workout and then came back.

She APOLOGIZED for saying that to me How dang funny! I didn't even think about it but it bothered her that she thought she treated me badly.

I do like this new W along with new Bolt. What I now have to do is to remember to thank her for thinking about me that way. It's more in her love language but still, very thoughtful...


oh and one more thing, LIS - Off to the beach
(couldn't resist)

Oh sweetie, that is so awesome!! That is such great work. I am so glad that you are so excited.

I wouldn't be so sure on that mortgage thing... I've got TWO... one in CT... No stress, though, absolutely no stress... UGH!

Ok, for the rest of you, we need to all meet, gather up our search party, head to Bolt's house and whip his behind. I've had all I can take of the beach!!!! I've got two problems:

1) It's cold
2) I'm in TN (transplanted from the NE) and I've not seen a beach in over a year. The longest in my lifetime. Now, I'm sad

who needs the beach

i have the ice and the snow and the wind and the, oh yeah

me

booo to you boltie

love the way it's going for you

i concur ! i love hearing your positive progress.. it gives me so much hope !! i need someone to live vicariously through.. and that includes the sun and beach !!

stuck in Canada atm and i'm done with the snow !!! i'd kill to trade in my boots for sandals ! *sigh- turns up the heat*

well now don't get too excited for me.

I come home from giving her her space and she's texting the guy again. She even told me.

I was pretty upset. I thought that we went over this. Once again, she thought I said something else - oh I thought you said I shouldn't text him about his situation...excuse...

So I said, text him right now and ask him if he would have sex with you. She did. She said basically, "...no strings attached, would you have sex with me?"

After a while, he returned that "he was just trying to figure out a relationship with another woman and he likes my wife only as a friend." He even said that he is encouraged by how me (bolt) and her were getting along better.

Not going to read into anything there but she called my bluff...

She assured me that she isn't attracted, in the least bit to this dude. We went back and forth where I said, this is where it starts. I told her point blank before to cut it off. I don't know how much clearer I can be?

Am I wrong here? She said that I have to trust her. This guy is only a friend whom she doesn't even talk to that much.

My issue isn't too much with her but with him. I don't know him. He seems nice enough and I KNOW he's a bit flirty and talks to a lot of girls as friends. He's not a good-looking dude in the least bit and has zero future. (Tooting my own horn - I'm just the opposite in both)

BUT I'm super insecure. I asked her what she wants me to do? She said trust her.

Well, I have to. I know I've said that before but maybe I'm just being tested...this definitely [censored].

When she showed me what he texted back, I said I'm sorry and she said she wasn't ready to accept it yet.

What's the addage? One step forward, two steps back?

F...

hrm.. even if she said she isn't attracted to him she may feel some rejection based on his response.. possibly a good opportunity to show her some attention she's lacking from OM.



if she doesn't communicate with him that much then perhaps the relationship will fizzle out on it's own if she's not getting her needs met, you need to fill that void.



aww i'm sorry bolt, these situations shake our confidence but you seem to have some really great qualities, draw on that, be the man she chooses.



it does suk indeed.. but you've done your homework, so ace the test with flying colours !!

what is your gut telling you to do ? what have you done so far that has moved you forward and not backwards?

I think the test is my insecurity and trust.
She has never given me reason to not trust her in the past. There hasn't been even an inkling of something odd in 17 years. She reiterated again that I have nothing to worry about.

We talked and she said that she would always keep me in the loop even though there is no loop to be in. She said, honestly it is just someone weird to talk to. I have to trust her.

She said that I've been transferring how I would feel if the roles were reversed. As a matter of fact, they were.

When that assistant from the firing earlier started texting me (before all of this mess started), I told her everything. BUT I did enjoy the attention.

Right now, I'm transferring that to her. She said there is absolutely no connection, she has no feelings and she isn't in need of that affection - I give her plenty of what she needs right now.

She did say that if HE started it in a weird direction, she would stop it. Reiterating that she is not looking for it at all.

I know through my typing it will seem that she is protesting too loudly but I know my wife and I know it's nothing.

Chrysalid, you were asking what my gut is saying? My gut is telling me I'm an idiot. There is nothing and stop being so insecure. I'm an artist/writer so I have a giant ego that is extremely fragile - BUT I've never been insecure in our R.

One last thing. She was taking the older D to a play tonight and before she left, she came over and said, "don't even think about this. Thank you for giving me some time" and kissed me and held me very tight. I had to let go not her.

I take that as a good sign...

now back to our regular scheduled program...

Bolt,
Still all very, very good progress. I don't know who the "sniper" was who jumped in, but that wasn't anything a little "artillery" couldn't fix.....

Thinks are still looking very good, but keep in mind, it is still the 1st quarter and there is still alot of game to be played.

As for texting the OM, I have struggled with that for weeks. I know my W is still conducting her EA via text as she has not denied it. But, we are separated and living in different houses, so there is not much I can do about it. But, your sitch is different. Please don't get too crazy with my suggestion, but you may want to stand your ground with the notion that it needs to stop. I don't think there is anything wrong with you politely asking again for it to stop. Use your DB skills and approach the topic carefully and honorably. My point is that considering the progress you have made, I don't think it would be "out of line" to ask for it to stop for good this time. You may even want to pose the request in this manner: "Hey, since we are both working so hard right now to get things in our house in order, maybe you might consider putting that distraction aside for now. It would help me to feel that we both have our heads in the right place." JMO.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

fobd, that's almost exactly how I put it and then it just got bad from there. I can't help but feel that this COULD turn into something more.

Now I'm faced with the dilemma of an ultimatum vs trust. We are to move to the state WHERE this OM is. I want to say cut it off or I'm not moving. Not sure what that would get me.

The other part of me wants to trust her. She's not the cheating type and she's not missing that part. She texts a girlfriend even more than this guy but STILL it's a dude...

I've even talked to him via email. He's assured me that he has no interest. She has helped him through his issues with his GF and exW. I want to believe him but I'm a guy too...there are almost always ulterior motives...

Bolt, I love your progress and patience... But I hate the disrespect your W is showing. Texting OM in front of you?!?! I don't care what he is or is not to her. If it hurts you or makes you unhappy it's unacceptable IMO.

What you do from here is up to you. Do what's best for Bolt.

How would your W feel if Bolt was seeing/texting OW? Would she put up with it? Only you know!