Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

This is what you want.....


How many of these do you show ?





The problem with this, is that you are assuming your wife feels the same way...

The damage this caused her is just as painful as the damage she caused you..

Yes, YOU can put it out of your mind, but you have to allow that to be her decision when/if she is ready to as well....

And yes, you said put them behind US..../\ /\ /\




Sparks, I do not personally know you. With that, let me say that anyone that tells me to trust them....sends up multiple red flags for me...

It is easy to say that it is over....

They are just words my friend....

Until you can look in the mirror and figure out WHY it was there to begin with...You may be beating a dead horse here..

So let me ask you...WHY was there just as much deceit from you as there was from her...

This isn't Tit for Tat here..


Fear?

Control ?

????






I'm sure you don't know how she feels....




These answers aren't really for me bro....they are for you.

I hope you can reflect and find them...

Sometimes these things hurt. They did for me, and although I can't speak for them...I'm certain they did for Cat, Figgy, J3B, etc....


I see you met Figgy......Good move, she's a smart cookie...

Hey Fig : )

They hurt as long as I let it hurt me...

That took a long time to learn though.

Wow. Now that is where the self discovery really kicks in. I see your importance here. I can only change myself and express the qualities. I can force them in my marriage. I cannot force my wife to instantly to change and hold these qualities. I cannot even imagine that any of these qualities would be included on her own list.



That goes back to my current feeling. Is the hurt from discovering my wife's affair REALLY equal to the hurt of the deception of checking her email? I can agree that damage has been done and both of us will need to work to fix that damage. Let's also hope that while fixing that damage, we make the foundation stronger as well to prevent future damage.


Maybe my originals words were to optimistic and short. I understand this is a two way street. It is also potentially a very long one at that. It is easy to say, let's put that in the past and move forward.

I know this long road is going to include us asking how this happened in the first place. How was our relationship vulnerable? What was missing? How were we not connecting? I am up for marriage rebuilding. At this point, though, I am not sure if she is in fact ready to answer those questions. She is still not sure of her own sexual orientation. Right now, she wants to work on co-parenting more than anything, becuase she is just not in a place to start making decisions on our marriage improvement. Hopefully, rebuilding some of that trust and forgiveness will put us in a better place in the long run where the decision she faces will have a positive outcome on each side.

Would you mind clarifying the deceit comment? Are you talking about why was there deceit from her to have an affair to begin with? Are you still talking about my deceit to check her email?



You are right. I don't know how she feels. It will take much improved communication on both sides for her and I to get to a point where these discussions can occur.

Right now, I need to find them in me. That happens first. This is also why I am going through Divorce Remedy with highlighter in hand really studying this approach.

Glad to meet Fig. If Mach is calling you a smart cookie, I should be honored that you would stop by and help me work through some of this. Thank you.

Google......Chinese Bamboo Tree






I think you have to LOOK at both....

Understand that you ARE responsible for an equally as important role in what she is feeling....

And you should ask yourself...Did I do my best ?

Look, on a moral scale, what she did was far worse than what you did...

Or was it ?

I'm not saying you are a perpetual liar or anything...

But if you are truly trying to work through these things in MC ?

Bottom line ?.....you lied to her...

Forget about her

Forget about why

Forget about that cows sleep standing


Is that your best ?




You justifying the "why" you did it....doesn't make it any more right...

Doesn't make what she did right. Doesn't make you doing it because she did any more right.

You being more righteous in your reasons, isn't any more attractive.

I understand. Here is what I took most out of it.

"It takes maturity to be patient. And it takes maturity to be willing to give your spouse the time they need to grow and to see that time as an opportunity for you to grow too."

I have to begin building those deep routes are undetected to finally see the bamboo grow.



You are right. When I go into the next couple's therapy, I need to go with the intention of taking responsibility for my actions and deceit. That was the role that I played and must apologize for. I can also understand that trying to belittle her is not an attractive quality for me to have. Pointing fingers of blame goes nowhere. I need to look at my mistakes.

I'd be wary of a woman who finds a man who belittles her attractive.

And that has honestly never been one of my qualities.

Awwwwwww Mach *blush* thanks!!!

Sparks
the thing is
there was a reason she felt she needed to find what she was lacking outside of the marriage

I am NOT saying an affair is ever justified

I am asking you to maybe ask her what she needed, what you could have done better, what she wanted more of or less of and then LISTEN

don't think of ways or reasons to justify why you did things the way you did them...

that is an "I'm sorry but" which is not really an I'm sorry

it's an I'm sorry you were wrong

who cares how many or what people said they would be gone???

I always said I would be gone too
but
that isn't what made me leave

that wasn't my end

now is not the time to play martyr...to give that wide eyed blinking bit and say "but I am a good person and believe in marriage and so it doesn't matter to me what she did"

now is the time for the steely glare and the
"this is my marriage, my life and the woman I love. I would appreciate you not speaking this way about her to me."

you can't undo the fact that you told people

you can stop them from telling you want a saint you are because they would be gone

this is where the metal meets the road

does your need to be the righteous
martyr
long-standing husband
without a bad bone in his body

trump

your need to be the stand up
fighting for the life you want
and willing to be the bad guy in order for it to happen
guy?

don't make her small in order for you to feel big